here's the story..my boyfriend is currently suffering from depression and anxiety. We haven't been seeing each other for long but I have really felt that I have found someone special..someone that I believe has equally strong feelings for me as I have for him. I met him on vacation this April and he lives in canada, I'm in the UK - we had such an amazing connection that 3 weeks after the vacation he was on a plane to visit me and stay with me for a week...it was just wonderful...stuff that happens very rarely, at least for me. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say that I thought I'd hit the jackpot..but not in an infatuation, losing my head way...i had both feet on the ground and knew how he was treating me was genuine and good for me,... However in the last few weeks he has had problems at work that have triggered his stress and depression. He told me whilst in the UK of previous depressive episodes and more information about his childhood...it was almost like he wanted me to know all the bad stuff..warts and all..quickly. He was prescribed anti-depressants just before coming over due to problems as work but didnt tak them...he defintiely seemed a little distracted and anxious at times....but i didnt realise until now that he was perhaps starting to have the dark clouds over him. He is now on anti depressants and seeing a counsellor after going back to even bigger problems at work. Whilst we some limited communication at first, i was admittedly getting impatient and my efforts at trying to cheer him up and to engage in talk about us just ended up backfiring. He pretty much told me he can't cope with the relationship right now as he has so much going on and is basically having a meltdown. I took it completely personally, thinking I was an idiot to think that he was in love with me... but of course those emotion filled texts didnt get a response. the only response I got was when i said "just tell that week was real"...he replied saying "oohh it was real and you knkow it, just bad timing for me". After sending him a message to say that I am here for him and that I will in essence "wait for him", he did reply positively and thanked me for the message... so I was happy to see that he responded quite well to this - so once a week since then I have sent a nice text saying that I'm here if he needs me and that I;m thinking of him/miss him. Yesterday after one of these messages, he replied...but his reply was very short and clinical. he said thanks for all my messages but he's decided to move on...that he met somebody a couple of weeks ago and is pretty interested in her...thanks for everything and wish you all the best in life"... my close friends and I all agree that the email was too contrived and sounds like he wanted to say something that would really hurt now and get me off his back...i honestly think he's overwhlemed with his depression - he suffers from panic attacks and has told me he has some self-esteem issues. when i answered saying that I think he's lying becuase i think he has issues that are unmanageable and asking whether he was sure he wanted to do this ...he said "please stop..i'm moving on". felt to me like i was hitting a nerve. So my question is...has anyone have any experience of this? there is of course a small part of me that wonders whether I have been completly fooled but who travels across the Atlantic and makes plans, good positive plans ..meets the parents..etc.. just to "move" on 4 weeks later? I have sent a long email from the heart and hope that he will think about what he really wants... any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Q: partner suffering from depression - is his "moving on" an excuse to shut me out from his problems?
Hi - I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years with a man who up until the day he broke up with me was still telling me how perfect I was and how much he loved me. He essentially had a meltdown and had to leave. The symptoms had been there before he arrived at my home for the summer--dropping grades at school, no drive to work out at the gym, weight loss, pulling out patches of hair from his face, but I did not realize how severe the cloud was until I came home from work one day to find he had returned back to his parents' house.
Over the course of two weeks he would be in touch erratically, and the messages were always mixed. I love you, I dont know what I want in life, I want to work it out I just don't know when, etc. Simultaneously I noticed that he was hanging out with old friends and engaging in destructive behaviors. A therapist diagnosed him with an imbalance but he refuses to see a psychiatrist. Finally, he called to tell me it was over.
These roller coaster rides upset our own personal stability. They leave us feeling hopeful and hopeless, happy and terrified, because we spend time wondering and speculating about the possibilities. What are all the scenarios and outcomes? Will he eventually come back?
The point is that we have to take care of ourselves. In my case, I invested 2 years in a relationship and I am reluctant to let it go down the drain. But I have decided to move on with my life. I send him little messages occasionally to encourage him getting better, to tell him I still love him, but I don't get a response. The important thing is that you start taking the steps to move on. If you read the blogs, you'll see that this is a lifelong battle and that it is probably safer to get out before you get invested in a marriage or children.
I also pray for my boyfriend to suddenly get clarity and want to work things out, but he may have convinced himself that it's over forever. Recognize though that these are symptoms of his illness, so no amount of rationalizing or intervening is going to help.
I wish you all the best, as I wish all of us suffering with a partner like this may one day find peace and fulfillment, even if sadly that means finding someone healthy.
I can relate to this perfectly. Since everyone and every situation is different, I have no idea what to tell you, but to agree with everyone. Look out for yourself mainly. TRY to live your life, and whatever happens, happens. It's the hardest thing to do, I can only offer understanding.
I know how real the feelings are. I also met my match a short while ago, almost 7 months now. In getting to know each other, I really felt that we were seperated at birth, things just don't come along and happen like that.
The first month, we were seeing each other every weekend and emailing every day.
He was very honest and respectful, earned my trust.
Then he lost his job. The emails and our time together were more infrequent.
He mentioned something about depression and how he refuses to take medication making him a zombie,and how he goes through this every so often.
After not seeing each other for 3 weeks, he apologized for his mental problems and was suprised I wasn't mad, saying I was very special and how much he really likes me.
I can only imagine what he has been through in the past.
I didn't know I fell in love with a time bomb though.
He did find a job, but one that is very beneath him, which is making him worse.
I could see him trying to come out depression to see me, and I do believe he genuinely wants to be with me.
Now, after his birthday, I have not seen him in 2 months and became very confused and worried. I thought I was being played for a fool, and thoughts plagued my mind.
Did he lose interest in me, am I a fool for still being here for him, did he find someone else, what did I do wrong?
All of my messages went unanswered. He did apologize and explain in the past how he isolates himself so I was pretty sure that was it.
I wasn't sure what to do. I wanted to let him know I am here, but I felt like I was bugging him and pushing him away. He did thank me for being there, so that kept me going for a while. But I was losing my mind.
I told him I was about to give up then he explained that he just doesn't feel like being around people any more and that he just needs to think about things.
Not sure how long that will take, but I said I will be there for him and thanked him for his honesty.
He has truly helped me understand, by being so open with me.
Depressed people have no energy to worry about someone elses emotions. I realized how I was putting pressure on him by saying that I missed him and making him feel bad for what he is putting me through.
I had no idea until he explained. I had no where to turn, my friends were no support.
I got everything from....the first 90 days do not count, he was just acting a certain way that he thought I wanted in the beginning, to are you sure he's not married?
Now I know he is in hell, struggling to just survive.
Instead of worrying myself sick, I am redirecting energy to take care of ME, and will patiently be there for him, if it is the real deal it will happen. And that is what you need to do regardless
As a side note, it seems your guy might have been feeling pressure as well. It is incredibly frustrating. Being in different countries even more so. Let him breathe, give him time to think about you thoughts in the letter and let it run it's course. There is nothing more we can do but hope
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