Wednesday, December 30, 2009 Shadow asks

Q: He told me he needed space!

I've been with my bf for almost a year. We actually dated in person for almost 7 months and the rest was over the phone when he was stationed oversees. Everything was great, he is an amazing man. He've been married once and has 2 kids. I am 30 and never been married and no kids at all and he is 34 y/o. This past Christmas he went home to be with his family with his kids. He didn't even ask me to go with him but he assumed that I don't like his place. But it's understable it's family thing and tickets are too expensive. So, I don't have any issues about that. When he came back after Christmas, everything was ok. We exhanged gifts. I didn't see any issues coming till the next day. He asked me what is my long term goal or how do I see myself in 5 years or so. I answered him honestly a "Happy family". He knows that at least I wanted one and I wanted to get married one day. And he even told me he wants those things. Suddenly, the other day...he just told me we have different goals in life. He doesn't want anymore kids or even going to get married. As soon as I heard him saying that...it's like the bomb just explode. I felt so weak, heart broken...didn't expect that coming from his mouth. My tears started to come out. He told me when he went home he had a talk to his mom...and she said to talk to me and be honest with me what he really wants in the future.

I asked him if there is something involved in between and he said no. I believe him because he doesn't have any friends at all. All my friends are his friends too. He used to tell me he's a loner. I had a talk to him again last night...he said he already explain himself and he doesn't know what he wants in life. He said we needed a break or cool off but he also said that we can still chat, go to a movie or dinner. Do you think this is fair with me?

It's like I live with him but I don't. After work, I go home to my house then go to his pad and stay the night everynight and spend the weekend as well. I do everything for him coz that's how much I love him. Lately we've been kinda arguing because he doesn't tell me sweet things anymore, I always have to chase him now/remind him.

I took what I can carry on some of my stuffs today...but there still some left. I still have his keys to his apt. What should I do? I need some advise and opinion to what step should I do next.

Thanks y'all!

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Answers (3)

Merely Me, Health Guide

12/30/09 6:43pm

Run!

Okay seriously...from what you have told us here...it is my honest opinion that you have all the facts you need. He is being honest with you. It is a good thing his mom made him have this chat with you otherwise you might still be in the dark. The future counts. If this is not the future you had in mind as in....no future....I think it is time to move on and stop wasting time with him.

To not even invite you for Christmas? Not a good sign.

This will hurt like ripping off a bandaid but better to hurt now than invest any more emotional time and energy on him.

What do your friends say? How about your mom?

I am really sorry this has happened but it may be a blessing in disguise that you found this out. Such bad timing for the holidays though.

Hope this helps...let us know how things go for you okay?

Judy

12/30/09 11:12pm

Hi, Shadow. I guess I'd have to agree with Merely Me. You want kids, he doesn't. Even if you were to talk him into it, it may blow up in your face later because he could end up being resentful for being coaxed into it. That would be a deal breaker for me. It's a shame this had to happen over the holidays and to catch you so off guard, but "ripping off the bandage" is probably going to be less hurtful in the long-run and you won't have wasted years with someone who doesn't want what you want in life. At least he is being honest. Marriage is tough enough when you do have common goals and interests. Take care of yourself, you will find the right person. Dating is the time to find out what the other is like, to see if you have a future - at least you found out before making a lifetime commitment. I wish the best for you.

Paul

12/30/09 11:31pm

I have to agree with both the above writers. He has spelled out pretty bluntly that things are not going to progress but that, for now, he would happy to receive all the benefits he has been and this unfortunately, has the effect of holding out hope in your mind.

I think you should look to your life and your future. I have to tell that if I were serious about a girl, the first thing I would want is for her to meet my family and hope that she is impressed with them, more than they with her, though I'd want both. But she would come first.

I feel he has done the right thing by telling you and I know the pain you are feeling. I'm sorry. Just wanted to add what I thought.

Q: He told me he needed space!

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