we are still living together but he is at home and i am at work, we always talk alot through the time when we are apart, we have a very loving relationship hence theemails and calls throughout the day, i do understand he is having an awful time and he deals with everything by shutting himself away, it does frustrate me but until this point i have always been able to curb my frustration and not show it too him, this time i couldnt and it has had devastating effects. at this point and time i think he wants me to go away and forget him or at least he has told me that on an occassion. he feels he is no good for anyone but i love him more than anything in this world but the constant pushing me away makes me feel alone vunerable and afriad, im afraid of losing him, im afraid he will do something stupid and instead of being the positive person i always show him i am this time in anger i have voiced it... i do feel better in myself that i have released my tension but i am just sorry that it is at the expense of the most precious thing in my life, thankyou for your support, it really helps me to have somewhere that i can open up ands ay how i feel, the advice and support i get here really does help to keep me sane!!!

hi JohnD,

thankyou for your response, it actually reduced me to tears that someone see's how difficult it is for me, as we speak i have been completely frozen out and i am swinging between wanting to run away and save myself and fighting so hard for what we had before. it is extremely difficult, he will not communicate with me at all, even though i have poured my heart out to him he completely ignored me... the last few weeks have been difficult, i have had one "i'm sorry" text message and everything else i have tried has been ignored, he is normally a very loving considerate compassionate man.. i know when this passes again he will be consumed with guilt and thats the last thing i want, i have really read up on his illness so that i would be able to understand and everything that i read tells me that not too dwell on the bad times but it is difficult when you are adored for two days and hated for the next three weeks, more than once he has blamed me for his condition because with me he opens up and talks without realising it, and he has walked out of my life saying he doesnt want to see me again because of it, but he always comes back... alot of the literature i read is very conflicting, some tell me to walk away others tell me that the signs he is showing should be indiciating to me that its a relationship he doesnt want to be in and others tell me to bide my time and things will settle down again once this cycle has passed, it is just so difficult, i want to support him and i do love him very very much all i want to do is help and nurture him and get him through but when he wont communicate or even let me cuddle him i am finding it more and more difficult to be the upbeat positive person i truely am... i will get that book you have recommended at the moment anything i can read up on at least makes me feel a little useful.. thankyou so much for the bottom of my heart for your advice and encouragement, having a male perspective is very helpful, loving someone with this illness is hard work and draining and i do find here is probably the only place i can express how difficult it is for me... THANKYOU!!!!!!!!