I am 38 years old and still having a problem with my parents. My Dad has been saying terrible things to my face and saying things to my siblings and to my neighbors (I live in the same town). I have tried to handle everything politely and just simply let everything do. But it does seem to be taking a toll on my depression. I really am trying to understand how a parent can intentionally hurt their own child. My Mom knows and hears the ugly comments coming out of his mouth but chooses to say and do nothing. My Husand and children are also being affected by the unkind words which does not help me either. I want to protect my immediate family. I am struggling with what to do. Should I just simply turn my back on my parents and move forward while saying nothing? Should I confront the situation which I feel will change nothing? I am at the end of my rope with this struggle and just want to find a way for this to not get the best of me. This all has been going on since I was a child living at home. I would appreciate any word of advice.
Hi there
I know that this can be an awful situation to be in. May we ask...what sorts of things is he saying and why? Is there an underlying feud going on?
I think at this point you have to choose your priorities. Your immediate family should come first as well as your mental health. If you do say something...make sure you do it for you and not to gain any result. If it makes you feel better to get things out in open...have your say...and be upfront and honest about it...at least you can say...you did that. It may make his behavior worse...you don't know. But at least you would give that chance to let your feelings be known.
After that...you need to choose a course of action...you can move away if that is possible or...you can not allow the things said to bother you. There are some people who will not change. You have to decide then...what YOU will do.
Please tell us how things go. I am so sorry this is happening for you.
Oh my god! that is beyond horrible. What kind of person is this? I think you should get far away from this person...I cannot imagine how you must feel. Perhaps in this case...you need to separate yourself from him and his words.
Anytime you need support please do come here in addition to talking to your therapist and loved ones. Know that we care and we are here for you. I am so sorry you have to endure one bit of this terrible abuse. You are a true survivor.
Hi, Tornadomom. I think I can really understand what you're dealing with, as my parents are the same, except that my dad has mellowed out some with age (he's now 84). What I did once some years ago was write them a letter and tell them I was taking a break from them for a while - it ended up being almost a year. I told my siblings ahead of time, but I took a lot of grief for it, guilt trips, etc. Not that anything really got resolved (because I know with them, it'll never happen), but I think they're a little more careful around us now. Sometimes polite doesn't do it. I'm 61 now and it's still the same old song and dance. You don't have to exactly turn your back on them, but try to limit the time you spend with them, especially if you can get to the point of telling them that you aren't going to put up with it any more. If nothing changes still, the consequences will be that you will spend less and less time with them. Yes, it is hard to understand how parents can act like that, but I think they're probably missing something. I think my dad probably had PTSD from WWII. He and my mother have fought all their lives and are super-critical of each other and everyone else. It's a real energy drainer.
Do whatever you have to to keep yourself balanced - you have a right to live in peace!
Hi Judy,
This has been emotionally draining. My Dad has always been verbally and physically abusive since I was a child. I have always been able to be the better person and just let it go. But he crossed the line by saying He wishes I would just kill myself already. I said nothing to provoke this behavior. I know that I just need to move on with my life without my parents but it is so disheartening. I really appreciate your response.
Personally, I think after you get old enough and especially after marriage, you are responsible for your self and your spouse and children. Not for whether or not you are pleasing to your dad or mom. You are a separate entity and I would say the best thing to do is ignore your dad and move on without your parents. I did not start having a really good relationship with my mother until after my dad was gone. You are not responsible for defending yourself against your father's lies, his negligence, his negativism. Your relationships with others are certainly a witness to what kind of person you are and how you conduct your life. I would hope they know "how" your father is -- vicious and uncaring -- and take what he says with a grain of salt.
Donna
I do not think at any age one can prepare them self for what someone that is supposed to be your parent would just say that he wishes I would just kill myself. I did nothing to provoke this behavior and nasty words. My Dad has always been like this since a child but I have always tried to be the better person and just not react to such nonsense. But I do feel as though I would not be struggling with my depression as much as I am if he would just stop and leave me alone. That is all I want. My Husband and I have talked at great length and hope to move on without a relationship with my parents. I really do appreciate your response. I think I am just emotionally drained at this point.
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He said that he wishes I would just kill myself already. Which I can say...I never thought he would go that low. As a parent myself, I would NEVER under ANY circumstance say such words. My Dad has always been rude and saying things that are simply mean to myself, my siblings, my husband, and my children. I have always tried to be the better person and just walk away but this time was just different. I know that this is a difficult situation when I suffer from Depression and had a suicide attempt just a few months ago. This will be something that I will be working with the Therapist and hope that I will rise above the outrageous remarks. Thanks for always being so supportive. I rely on this site in between therapy appointments when I just need some insight. Thanks for everything.