For the longest time my relationships have all ended because of me being oversensitive and clingy. I've tried to not be so sensitive and clingy but it just seems that's who I am. What can I do about that so that it doesn't ruin my relationship? I don't know what to do.
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Q: I think I keep screwing up my relationships
Answers (3)
8/17/10 11:18pm
Hi, Tristan. When you say that you're too sensitive and clingy, I wonder what it is you're afraid of losing, really. It sounds like you might be depending on other people to make you feel good, like their opinions are all that matter. Maybe that is just who you are, but you can change that if it's not working. If you don't feel good about yourself, all by yourself, where is that coming from? Just a few questions to get you thinking! Thanks for visiting our site.
8/17/10 9:03pm
I'm glad you say "relationships" with an "s" on the end. That means you haven't stopped trying. It is so easy to stop. To hide somewhere, away from any possible interaction with others. That's usually what I do. Of course, I do have my reasons. I have always been basically shy and introverted and overly sensitive to criticism (I even listen for implied criticism in order confirm my suspicion that I don't measure up.) I suffered from pre-teen depression all the way into the present. But I'm much better. Just a bad turn now and then. I was always very competitive and poured myself completely into whatever I was doing, setting myself up for disappointment when I didn't come out on top. I never stopped long enough to have any fun in life.
One thing you might consider is keeping a journal about your relationships -- from family relationships (which are often mirrored in other relationships) to romantic ones. And everything in between. That way you can see what is going wrong and when. Maybe that would help curb the sensitivity and being clingy and dependent. Forewarned is fore-armed.
Don't be so hard on yourself -- other people can sense that and it's not a turn-on. Concentrate on relaxing around others. And believe it or not, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is still an excellent book on how to put your best foot forward in relationships.
Best wishes to you. Please feel free to report how things are going.
9/ 5/10 2:26am
Hi Tristian,
The answer is in your question ....in two ways...
1. You say "my relationships have all ended because of me being oversensitive and clingy. I've tried to not be so sensitive and clingy"...you haven't tried hard enough...OR..you haven't gone about it in the right way to make the change effective.
2.You say "my relationships have all ended because of me being oversensitive and clingy.....I've tried to not be so sensitive and clingy but it just seems that's who I am."
Think that you are, or think that you're not...you are always right!
You need to reframe your solution to take account of the fact that your behaviour is one of passive control...your need to gain control of your life by controllong others. This is not healthy. So change it now.
The approach you could adopt to be more successful in your approach would be... think of a role model of someone you see or think of as being self-assured,and confident around others allowing them to do their own things. Someone who takes responsibility for themselves, is independent, non-judgemental and takes accountability for their own actions. Then begin to adopt their actions, behaviours and mood states.
Good Luck!
Contact me if you encounter any difficulties and I'll try to suggest other ways forward, should you need them.
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By Tristan— Last Modified: 12/27/10, First Published: 08/17/10
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Donna, thank you for all that advice. I'll definitely try to start keeping a journal on my relationships. It sounds like a way to look back on what I did right and wrong. I'm gonna have to look up that book too. I hope Barnes and Noble has it because then I can get it as an ebook and carry it around everywhere I go because I'm getting an ipod touch for my b-day and Barnes and Noble has an ereader app for it. I'll also keep in touch with how everything is going. I already feel very welcomed here.