my spouse is depressed and refuses to get help. He's gone from being extremely bright to barely able to function. He does nothing all day except watch tv and surf the net. I've had it. I don't know how to help him and he's causing me so much stress I'm worried about my own health. He also drinks but since he only drinks "a few beers" a day he says it's not a big deal. I'm considering leaving him unless he gets help but how do you leave someone who is sick?
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Q: Leaving someone who is depressed/drinking and will not seek help
Answers (3)
10/13/08 3:33pm
Hey Ipcon
This is a really difficult situation you are in. There seems to be a common theme for so many on this site of trying to help a loved one who does not seem to be accepting of help. Since you are the one asking this question I want to focus on you. I am sure you have heard the old adage that you can't ever change someone else...the only person you can change is yourself.
What do you ultimately want from your relationship? What is your bottom line? What will you tolerate and what will you not be able to live with? What boundaries do you have for self preservation?
The only person who knows the answers to these questions is you.
Does he know how you are feeling? Have you told him that you are considering leaving and why? I would give him that chance, at least, to know your present state of mind. I wouldn't deliver it as some angry ultimatum but as a matter of fact portrayal of your feelings right now.
There is nothing easy about your situation. What does your heart and gut say? Always trust your gut.
Let us know what happens. I am hoping others can share their thoughts and experiences. I wish you the best of luck.
11/ 1/08 12:15am
What would he say if you told him you had made him an appointment and you are going with him? If he gets anger and says he's not going, it's time to think about yourself. I should have walked out 15 years ago, now it's 41 years later. While my spouse did seek help, his depression/mood swings/anger is just as worse now as it was when he was first diagnosed. Maybe a separation instead of a divorce might be what is needed to force him to seek help for his depression. If you're separated and he still refuses to get help, get on with your life. I know all about the stress and what it does to your health because I have years of experience in living with a depressed spouse.
Good luck
Betty
12/ 8/08 2:48pm
I was the depressed spouse (BiPolar, Law School) but I was hospitalized, got treatment, saw therapists and got involved. However, my spouse perceived me as a mental patient. In 12 steps programs, we often see how people who try to control the situation make it worse by infantilizing the person. It enables patients to stay stuck, they lose self-esteem and self-respect and it spirals. I agree with the other response that you have to talk to them, figure out your bottom line and create boundaries. Unfortunately, my spouse got angry and resentful because I didn't do things I was supposed to know he wanted done. Since I was home "sick" I should cook, clean, exercise to OCD levels. He made himself (and me) sick. Please do not withold love, affection, or sex as these are natures antidepressants. I had a withholder who made himself a sexaholic, (from masturbation, cyberporn, and we are now processing an affair.) I acted in, he acted out. Watch your codependency. So much anger for a "Keep the Peace" generation. I will tell you that I switched therapists after 7 years. In one year of recovery there are people who do not recognize me, or recognize the old me. Its wonderful! Keep yourself healthy-positive begets positive. Whatever the outcome, I am finally happy.
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