How to deal with negative people
Hi I am trying to change my life but do not know how to deal with negative people.I absorb there negativety like a sponge.I am 46 so you would think I would know how to deal with this.My family has serious issues my mother is a recovered alcoholic but never went for therapy to deal with all her issues.My sister married a verbally abusive alcoholic had two children.Her husband lost the house moved back with his dad and does not work or support the kids.My sister lives with her kids at my parents house .Works one day a week.She is depressed and on top of everything she has no transportation.She has no self esteem to even go out and file for a divorse.My mother calls me daily and complains about how she has to support my sister niece and nephew.My sister is miserable.I have offered to pay for the divorse,given her info on support groups suggested she go to a councelor.I do not know what else i can do.My mother is very negative and controling at times.She would do anything for you but has a toxic way of thinking about things.Any suggestions on how to deal with my negative relatives.I used to jump in and do everything.I raised my brother and sister when my mother was ill.No one expresses feelings or talks this is how it was in a alcoholic household.How can I step back from all this contact.Not cut it off just cut back.And not feeling guilty about it? I am holding myself back from living and the negative atmosphere does not help me move on.Any suggestions would be great.THANKYOU
Hello, Hope. My family background is similar to yours, all that negativity and toxicity and you feel like you're being drained dry. I would definitely try to cut back on how much contact you have with them. I tried cutting off contact for a while but just felt too guilty, but now I can handle limited amounts of time with them. I am 60, so I feel like I could do better, too, but it's a compromise. Sometimes I don't answer the phone when I know it's my mother or someone else I don't want to talk to. Try to remember that you are doing everything you can to help - what are THEY doing to help themselves? Some people will not take that step, no matter what you do, at which point you have to let go, turn it over to God and leave it in His hands. You are not responsible for their happiness - THEY are. You are only responsible for yours. You can keep more distance and still be kind. But be kind to yourself, too. The less time we spend with negative people, the better - it IS contagious, it's not just that you soak it up like a sponge, but you might be more prone to, having had to deal with it all your life. Try to spend more time with people who energize you, it really does help.
Good luck with this and feel free to write here any time; there are many who can relate to what you're going through.
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Judy
Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 04:31 PM
Hope, your mother calling every day is way too intrusive, if you ask me. I think if you aren't available so much to take her calls, maybe she'll cut back on them. I get the difficulty in telling her how you feel. My mother's favorite is to react by being so upset it then becomes all about her. My father, too, was violent, and my mother still gets at least a daily dose of his emotional abuse and I don't think she knows how to act any other way but as a victim. On a hot day, for instance, she'll be dying of the heat but she "can't" turn on the air conditioning because my dad is cold all the time. Could he not put on a sweater??? Sometimes I just spit it out because it makes me so frustrated when she acts that way. I'm not sure if she's an alcoholic, but we did get her into treatment some years ago but there, again, if you don't work on yourself and deal with the issues, you're just a dry drunk. She blamed my dad for making her drink, therefore it wasn't her problem. Families can be a piece of work, for sure. Let me know if you want a sounding board!
Hope
Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 05:54 PM
Thankyou for your reply.I agree that the way my mother calls every day is to much.Of course I love her even with my difficult childhood.I want to try new things I am not a child anymore.Her negative comments take me back to the depressing days of my childhood.I am 46 and want to start changing and living my life.I know it is a slow process but one step at a time is ok.I think are families have similar issues.I really feel deep down that I need to surround myself with as many positive people as possible.I suffer from depression and it makes sence that if I surround myself with just negative people it will be very difficult to change.And one more thing you are exactly right about my mother using the victim card.One time she got me so mad I called her a dry alcoholic.I could not believe that came out of my mouth .She was very mad then she tries to make me feel guilty if I do not come around to doing what she wishes.THANKYOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT GOD BLESS YOU
Judy
Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 06:38 PM
Hope, I think you've got the right attitude. You aren't a child any more and sometimes our parents want to keep us like that, but it's not the same kind of relationship, can't be. Sometimes you feel like you're becoming the parent, I know that's very common, but I resent it because I feel like my mother used me as a confidant when I was growing up, expected me to make her feel better because of my tyrant father. Well, I'm done with that and sometimes I feel bad when I don't cave in to her unspoken wishes, but I just can't do it any more. I bet you WERE shocked when you called your mother a dry alcoholic - I hope you can kind of laugh about it. You probably shocked her, too! Yes, it is a slow process, one step at a time, but you can do it, recognizing you need to do it is half the battle. Hang in there, I'm cheering you on!
Hope
Friday, September 18, 2009 at 07:54 AM
Hi judy thankyou for the reply.I know what you mean my mother does the guilt thing well.When she calls and wants to do something I sometimes do it because she will put a huge guilt trip on me.Like she will say I did so much for you kids and ramble on.She will even hang up on you if she is in a foul mood.But sometimes we will go out for lunch and she is ok.I just need to get away from her daily calls.A good word for it is smothering me.I think in her own way some of this is guilt from when she was an alcoholic and alot has to do with the need to control.I need to get better that is the most important thing .Thankyou for your help
Hi judy I feel exactly as you said drained.I have little energy to do anything.My mother calls daily asking what am I doing.She makes me feel like a loser because I will think to myself I should be doing more.Bad negative thoughts like I am lazy,a loser,will not amount to anything ,I should be doing more.My mother said all these things when I was growing up she was an alcoholic and very mean at times.She became sober when I was 29 but never went for therapy to get rid of those toxic thoughts.My father was violent when I was young but is better now.My sister is so nice and it kills me to see the way she is now a emotional wreck with a alcoholic dead beat husband who does not support the kids.Since my sister lives with my mother when I get a call or go over I get a double whammy of negative talk.I have talked many times about this in therapy.What I know that I need to do is cut back on my exposure to it.Maybe like you said let the answering machine get the call unless of course it is a emergency.Do not let my mother control me or make me feel guilty.I have my own issues and need to work them out before I can help others.I have thought that someday in a kind way I will tell my mother how she talks is destructive.I am a ways from doing that but I can tell myself that I can not fix them they have to fix themselves.Thankyou for your help.Any advice is greatly appreciated.God bless you.