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Thursday, September 17, 2009 Hope asks

Q: How to help a family member in need

Hi everybody I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for many years.I am now 46 and want to make changes in my life.My sister is having serious issues now.She has been depressed for a long time but never went for help.She lives with my mother and father with her two kids ages 13and15.She married a verbally abusive alcoholic 15 years ago.They are still married he lives with his father and provides no support for the kids.He takes the kids on weekends and says nasty things about my parents who are supporting the kids.I think this is terrible.Asfar as I know he does not drink around the children.He takes them out spends his fathers money on them fun stuff like the movies,tennis,dining out etc.He makes my sister out as the bad parent.Because she insists on them doing there homework before playing and sets limits on how late they can stay out.My sister only works one day a week.Her car broke down at his house and he said he would fix it.That was over 2 weeks ago.So my sister has no car,she is almost broke,my parents support everybody.They are getting stressed.To sum it up my sister is miserable,depressed,and sleeps alot.I have advised her to see a therapist,a lawyer,the dept of child support but she has done nothing.I have had long talks supporting her.I do not know what else I can do.I am trying to recover from depression also but to see my sister like this really upsets me.Is there anything else I can do? Any suggestions I can not spend to much time at that house it really brings me down.But I always go once a week.Any advice would be great.THANKYOU

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Answers (1)
9/19/09 10:29pm

Hi Hope

 

This is a very complex situation with so many people involved that it would be really hard to suggest any one thing to do.  I think as much as you love your sister you have to set some boundaries for yourself as to what you do and do not have control over.  You simply cannot force her to make changes you would like to see.  You can support her, encourage her, and love her.  But she is responsible for her own life.  It is really hard to let go of trying to change people and situations but...for your own sanity...it might be a good idea. 

 

Lead by example and...be a role model for making changes in your own life. 

 

Keep on reaching out here.  We will do our best to offer our support to you.

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9/20/09 5:43pm

Thankyou for your reply.It makes sence that the only way my sister is going to get better is if she does the work.I can support her but as much as i would like to i can not do those things for her,She has to take the first step.Just as I am trying to chart a course for my life.

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