Letting go of the past is hard to do but I think I must to move ahead
Hi everybody I am trying to move ahead with my life.One of the things my therapist and my friends on this site have said is that I need to let go of the past as best as I can.What is the best way to deal with negative family members who I love and deep down inside are good people but seem to have a hold on me.When lets say my mother calls me daily or even 2-3times a day it puts me back to the days of high anxiety when my mother was a alcoholic and my father was ill and I could not live a normal life.I took care of my brother and sister.Now that I am older my mother does not drink anymore but still can be very negative.She seems to want to control me.Sometimes she will even say things like what is wrong with you,you should be doing more for me,what are you doing and why are you not doing more,you are weak.These statements throw me right back to my childhood.My sister has turned out like my mother she is depressed and very anxious.The same negative voices come to me when I talk to her.I guess I must cut back on my dealings with negative family members and not let them have such control on my life.Sounds simple but will be a battle for me.Which I think I can win.Your words of support have been very helpful.Any words of wisdom are always appreciated.THANKYOU.
Family.......geese, they can be the hardest to deal with. I'm going to say something and I know its easier said than done, because I try to tell myself this all the time. I have a tendency to look at the negative and am working on changing my mind settings. I am at a time in my life that I am very vulnerable (not sure how to spell) to negative people, so I need to keep myself at a distance from them, including family. I love my mother dearly and she is older and going through major health issues, but I cant hear negative all the time. When she start going on I sort off do what I do with my kids at times......listen but tune her out (if that made since). There have been times when I have had to ask her if she is happy about ANYTHING and maybe to look at it sometimes.
You owe your mother nothing, if anything she has a whole lot of making up to do. If you are trying to have a better life sometimes you need to stay away from the people that are going to put you in a dark place. It's okay to talk with your mother, maybe if you cute her off when she "gets started" and just let her know you love her, but are not going to deal with this, she may get to a point that her conversations will be better. Can I ask what age group your in, 10-20, 20-30, ect.?
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (2)
- Report Abuse
Hope
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 11:21 AM
moonflowers
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 12:00 PM
I always hear that you have to love yourself and all that, but sometimes its hard when you don't feel love from another human. Do you have kids, grandkids, or maybe even animals?
Hope
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 05:13 PM
Hi I have no kids I do have a friend that I have known for 15 years but it is not a close friend.I have been by myself and basically the only people I see is family.My brother lives with me.I recently posted a personal ad for someone to work out with at the ymca.I had a few responces and hopefully one of them will work out.I feel that this would be good for me to get out with people. I must have the courage to follow through with my plans.I also joined a depression support group.In the past I have made plans to get out but have used family and work as a excuse not to follow through.I really think anxiety was the real reason.I am trying to follow through this time. I need to do this for myself.Thankyou for your support.
Hope, Moonflowers makes some good points here. If you can't bring yourself to not answer the phone every time your mother calls, maybe just take a deep breath and make the conscious decision to have the conversation, but start cutting it off when it gets negative. My mother is a lot like yours and it's always felt like her attitude is that we owe them everything for raising us. Well, I feel like I didn't ask to be born and they didn't do all that great a job, anyway, so I'm trying not to buy that one. My mother finally "got it" after I cut them off for almost a year (which was not fun, by the way), but after that, she respected my space a little more and now I do the tune-out thing when I'm with her.
Hope that helps some!
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (2)
- Report Abuse
Hope
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 11:33 AM
Dear Judy It must of took a lot of courage to cut off connections with your mother for a year.I can relate with the constant suggestion from my mother that we owe her.This is repeated over and over.You are right we did not ask to be in this world and our childhood was not that great.I can take strength from your courage.When you are from a very dysfunctional family it makes sence to try and cut back on negative interactions and try and surround yourself with more positive people.It takes a while to reprogram but I am going to try.THANKYOU FOR YOUR HELP
Hi Hope
This is a tough situation for sure. Know that these things your mom is saying...they are not true. They are most likely a projection of how she feels about herself. Some people...whether they are family or friends...sometimes they can be toxic for us. And so we have to limit some interactions for our own mental health. You don't have to be a punching bag for your mom. And you also don't have to internalize her messages.
You do have control whether it seems that way or not.
I think a big part of this situation is recognizing that you cannot change her. So you can only change yourself.
Have you ever told her that these things she is saying...that they cause you mental distress? Does she have any awareness that these things affect you? If you say something...know that you are saying it for YOU and not to get a response you like or to change her. Probably won't happen but at least...you have been honest then about your interaction.
Have you ever been to an adult children of alcoholics meeting or anything like that? This might be good for you. If you need information just let me know.
I hope things get better for you. Let us know what happens.
-
- Ranked Helpful (2)
- Report Abuse
Hope
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 10:18 PM
Hi I have not been to adult children of alcoholics meetings.I think it would be helpful to here other peoples experiences and what they have in common with mine.Where would you look for information to find a group? Thankyou for the support I wish my mother had gone to AAmeetings or more therapy after she was released from rehab to help her be a more positive person but she has not. I remember that she did not go to rehab until she hit rock bottem.She had to make the decision for herself.No matter what we said for many years she only went when she wanted to. I will let you know how things are going.THANKYOU
Merely Me
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 10:24 PM
Yes Hope...here is the link. I really think such a meeting would help you. If you grew up in a family where you had an alcoholic parent...there are some issues which will be common to others in this group.
Let me know if you find a group.
Hope
Thursday, September 24, 2009 at 08:53 AM
Hi thankyou for your help.I will let you know how my search is going.Thankyou for the support.
Hi Hope,
I agree with the sentiments expressed by all. I will share with you my experience. My mother attempted to hang herself in my presence when I was alone at home with her and exceedingly small (4yrs old). I took all the actions I could do and remember hugging her and begging her not to kill herself (Ithink the words were Don't do it mummy!) Anyway from that point onwards through various further attempts by her to commit suicide throughout my childhood I have been the one she turned to and for some daft reason I decided I was responsible for her happiness and wellbeing. I think she must have told me this on one ocaision. This coupled with her negative views of just about everything I do, does not bode for a fantastic relationship. When my father dies in 2002, I took her into my home....the control re-emerged....my life suffered greatly. In the end I took the advice of my therapist. She said to me "You can only control that which is within your control"(we can't control the reactions of others to us or their actions in their lives.We are only in charge of our own life. She also said "You are not able to control what your mother does. You need to hand back control for her life back to her and allow her to carry the response/ability (responsability)" "Be honest with her that you can not do certain things for her right now but you will support her to allow her to take back control of her life" That is exactly what I did. I helped her move out of my home to where she wanted to be. I also told her about the abuse I had suffered as a child and when she said "I suppose you want to blame that on me as well" I said "No. This is about me, not you." and there it was... I needed to take control over my life and she needed to take control over hers. When she phones me if it's not convenient to talk she leaves a voicemail. I choose when I respond to the voicemail...when I feel I can have a positive conversation with her and can maintain the boundaries of control and responsibility, and being a helpful and supportive daughter without taking over control of her life by rescuing her or being dumped upon by accepting negative criticisms that are more to do with her, than me! We have both grown from this process and have a much happier relationship. (Just have to watch out for those moments when she retests the boundaries though!)
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (2)
- Report Abuse
Hope
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 08:33 AM
Wow you are a very strong person.To witness such a horrific thing as a child is horrible.I am glad that you were able to get out from your mothers control.My experience was that I would come home from school and find my mother on the floor.At age five you do not no what to do this happened many times.So many times I thought she was dead but was passed out.My father was in a car accident at age 18 he had some brain damage.He recovered but lost his sence of smell he also developed mental issues .He was paronoid,depressed and sometimes violent.On a few occasions he beat my mother in front of us kids.My mother stopped drinking when my sister and I took her to the hospital because her blood pressure was very high.I was 29 at the time the doctor came out and said lucky we brought her to the hospital she was on the verge of having a stroke at age 49.I told the doctor that she was a alcoholic and had been abused as a child.At some point while in the hospital she decided to go for a month of rehab at a fantastic center they treated us well.She has been sober for 17 years and my father improved with meds.She however did not go for therapy when she got out.Everything was our fault.She could and still can bring your day down if you let her.Your family was proabbly the same way no one showed feelings.My parents never showed much affection never said I love you.But I need to live in the present and not let my mother drag me back to those dark days and the feelings they bring up.Thankyou for sharing and listening.
Hypno
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 01:27 PM
Thank you, too. I remember I used to come home from school with this dread of what I'd find in the house...would she be hanging...what should I do... cut her down...how? I was only small...put a chair under her legs...ring an ambulance...or what? I used to hide in the garage until I heard her moving around the house and then I'd go in. My father was so very helpful telling me if I found her and she was dead hanging..then her tongue would be black and distended. That obviously was not the ideal answer to a 4 year old who needed therapy and reassurance! Every time I reached this house with a high hedge in front I used to freeze...just three more steps and I would see my house and know I had to go in...anyway it is all in the past. I forgive her, and my father. They were both traumatised themselves and did not know how to gain the support they needed...yet alone realising they needed to seek help for themselves.
Hope
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 01:41 PM
Seems like we all have much in common.I think the lack of love and feelings had a big effect on us all.Nobody ever talked it was like a nightmare that you could not get out of.I remember even recently dreams where there would be a emergency and when I went to dial 911 none of the phones worked.I no this must have something to do with not getting through to my parents or there inability to show feelings.They are better now but still do not show there feelings.I am moving ahead now little by little .THANKYOU FOR YOUR REPLY
Hi Hope,
Wow, this web site is confusing for a newtimer! I find the best way for me to let go of the past is to remember that all there is is the moment. The past really doesn't exist and neither does the future- they are just thoughts in our minds. The best way for me to do this is by meditating- staying focused on one task with entire awareness. If thoughts of the past or future come in, gently let them go and refocus on the moment. Practicing this trains our minds, I think to let go of the past and the future. I take Qigong, slow moving meditation form like TaiChi to practice this. Also, I do walking meditation- just walking and paying attention to sounds of the birds, feeling of the earth under my feet, feel of the air on my skin. Anything that puts the mind in the present. I get stuck too in past and future but try to bring my awareness back to present. Sometimes just a cup of tea and focusing on the tea and steam in the present moment to bring awareness back or a bath. Writing helps too for me to get things out on paper, then forget it and do some task in the present again. Everyone says surround yourself with healing energy and positive energy to heal. I struggle with my meditation because I have car noise everywhere and I can't stand it while I am meditating- guess I am not quite practiced enough but I hate the car noise!
:) Smiles
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (2)
- Report Abuse
Hi thanks for the reply.I am 46 and my mother is 66 and in good health.It may seem strange that my mother is still trying to be such a big part of my life at my age.But I feel that since she has no real friends she associates with anymore she has to much time on her hands and is overbearing on us.She stopped working at 55 and seeemed to stop seeing her friends at that time.Up until now I have used work as an excuse not to have a personal life.Now that I am laid off any negative voices seem stronger.My mother knows I am home more often.In our family it seems like know one shares there feelings.My mother or father have never said I love you to any of us ever.I know that they do love us but hearing it when we were kids would of been nice.I did have a angel in my life my grandmother who showed me unconditional love and said it and showed it until she died two years ago at age 89.She saved my life with her love and I tried to do as much as I could for her.I spoke with her on the phone daily.I stayed with her for 8 months when my grandfather died at the age of 63.She lived by herself for 24 yrs.When she was ill I visited her as much as possible.Every time we spoke we ended the conversation with I love you.Writing this a thought came to me.I need to get another positive person or people in my life.I miss my grandmother dearly and she would want me to be happy.You are right I need to cut the conversation short if it turns negative with my mother.I had enough negativety when I was growing up.Wish me luck it will not be easy but I will try.THANKYOU FOR YOUR HELP