Lauryn, I am a living example: that feeling does go away. For years I was suicidal on and off and it was terrifying to feel like I was losing control (of everything.) In fact, I talked to my therapist about suicide for an entire year. She told me it is like a forest you have to walk through to get to the other side. You can't avoid it, you can't go back, you can't go around it or under it or over it, you have to go through it. And at some point, if you keep trying and moving forward, you will emerge from that dark forest into the light again. I don't know if I believed her at the time, but it was true. And since 2004, I have no more than normal ups and downs. No suicidal ideation, no stray thoughts about suicide.
A great deal of my problem was stress. I had come through a divorce after 13 years of an abusive marriage, had to quit my job of 12 yrs because the depression was too bad, and I had to move in with my parents for a long time. My problem was making decisions. I thought I would rather die than to have to make one more decision. When faced with options, my brain just shut down. Do I get out of bed? Do I look for another job? Should I try to make friends? Everything seemed far too difficult to consider, even the simplest choices. So I eliminated as much stress as possible and don't ever plan to go back to it. I'm not having to work right now because I get Social Security Disability Income and a small pension from where I had worked. I am finally in my own apartment for the past year. Things are looking up.
BUT I have to keep taking the medication. And it did take some trial and error to find one that worked. Actually, I take Wellbutrin SR and Zoloft. Whenever I think I don't need meds anymore, just a couple of weeks off of them proves me wrong. The depression starts to come back.
Don't make bad choices, like considering suicide, when you aren't feeling well. You are basing everything on the assumption that you will continue to feel this way forever. You won't. It will go away. I'm glad you have a boyfriend who is around to love and encourage you.
And the previous answer, about seeing a professional, was right on target. You need at least regular visits with a psychiatrist, and you might need a therapist, too. It helps to have someone to talk to who is not going to judge you, and who can often assist. If you truly are considering suicide right this minute, do not hesitate to go immediatey to a hospital and ask for an evaluation and admission to their psychiatriat facility, if they have one. If they don't, at least being where someone is taking care of your physical needs for a few days, and getting a good medication started.
As I said, I am living proof -- you can get through this. Thank you for coming to this site and sharing with us. You are always welcome.
Donna
Thank you for the encouraging answer Donna, even though it wasn't intended for me personally, it was something I really needed to read this morning! You are a blessing!