Reading some of the articles/questions posted here today makes me realise that I am not alone. I have been in a relationship for approx. 12 months now and for 9 months my partners depression has taken hold of him. I was fully aware when I entered the relationship that he had suffered this for 10 years and it comes and goes. I have found it to be particularly difficult to work out what I am supposed to do for the best when he feels this way. He retreats into his cave (as I have taken to call it), as I am now understanding most people do, when they are depressed. I won't hear from him during this time and I do what I can to give him all the space he needs whilst letting him know that I am there for him and love him unconditionally. I understand that this is what works for him and it’s what he needs to do. I do get a lot of pressure from my family and friends who feel that it's less than ideal that he disappears for weeks on end with no warning etc. but I know that this is how we have to approach this and I'm happy to do what I can for him. Most of the time it appears that I am single – attending weddings alone etc. but I am willing to live this life if it’s what it takes to make things easier for my other half. The only concern that I do have is, his ex-girlfriend (of 4 years) seems to be his pillar of support. They are still friends, close friends at that and I honour their relationship and support it. However, although I am bending over backwards to ensure I am doing the best I can by him, he just doesn't ever seem to come to me. I am finding it a little difficult as he is retreating from me and running to his ex-girlfriend. During his depressed bouts, they go to his work nights out together (nights that I wasn't even aware were happening as he was in his cave at the time) and stay at her flat afterwards etc. even though I live in a City Centre flat and my place of residence is closest and more convenient by far. When he is unwell I hear nothing about his Dr’s appointments etc. – his ex-girlfriend attends all with him. I understand that she is a comfort to him in his time of need, but I guess my question is - has anyone else ever been in this situation? I am working really hard to deal with it all as this is a relatively new relationship and we, in some ways, are still getting to know one another as his depression took hold very early on. For that reason I can see why he is seeking the familiar but feel that we are in a catch 22 situation as if he continues to shut me out and run to her we will never have a real chance at a fully functioning relationship. He insists that he wants me in his life and I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him when he is well, but when he isn’t this is what’s happening. Dealing with a partner with depression is very new to me and I don’t know if this security blanket (his ex-girlfriend) is a normal reaction or not. I don’t think for a second that anything is happening between them but I just don’t know how to approach this situation. Can anyone advise? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Q: Depressed partner retreats from me and seeks comfort from ex-girlfriend. Is this a common situation?
Hi, there. You sound like a saint, to me! I'm wondering if your partner is getting any help at all - is he on medication, seeing a therapist? Anything? Has he ever had treatment in the 10 years? If you want to stay in this relationship, I would insist on couples therapy so that you can each understand how the other feels during these depressive episodes, it would get him talking to you about what's going on. Really, his spending so much time with his ex does not sound good. He is being so disrespectful of you - he is sharing a part of his life with her that he refuses to share with you. What does that say about him? If he isn't getting help, I think that speaks volumes. Sounds like his ex is therapy enough for him, so he thinks. I hope you will think about what YOU want out of a relationship and what you need - it's not all just about him. And no, I don't think it's "normal" to run to an ex when depressed. I do hope you'll think hard about this; you don't have to sacrifice your life and dreams for this guy if he's not willing to carry his weight. This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but it's just my opinion based on what you've said and how it looks from the outside.
I'm wishing you the best and hope things work out, one way or another. I think you're too good to him!
This is a hard question to answer. I don't believe its right that he runs to her with his problems. I think you need to ask him straight out if he is getting back with her or what is going on. If he wants you in his life let him prove it.
I am sorry if this sounds hateful. I was married before and my ex told me he was just helping this girl out. LIE LIE LIE, I was sympathetic and felt sorry for her and then they started sleeping together. I filed for divorce. We were never really happy together and we were married for 18 years.
Thank you for your message, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It certainly puts things into perspective for me as whilst I am trying SO hard to be understanding, I am not particularly happy with this situation at all. And for that, I feel guilty! The problem I have is then - how to approach it. I don't want to add stress to an already imbalanced situation, so I think I will wait until he gets better and then ask the dreaded question. I am sorry to hear of your situation. We try to be the best we can for our partners often for them to take advantage of our kindness. I hope things have worked out better for you since your divorce - if you were never really happy together hopefully this will be a fresh start for you to live your life.
Thank you for your kind words. My life is somewhat better now, I married again to a wonderful man who is very sympathic to my problems and is willing to help me with them. I am also a diabetic and he is helping me with the doctors and stuff so our lives can be better together.
That's what it takes in a relationship. Everyone has ups and downs but if you can make it through the storms you are better off in the end.
I am not saying that he is cheating on you but things just don't seem right to me.
I wish you all the best, don't let yourself get down about this.
I wish you the best of luck and a happy thanksgiving
You sound exactly like me, being so understanding and supportive in a new relationship. You also sound happy with your own life to give someone special the space he needs. The ex is a tricky situation, I am sure she is a comfort zone. My ex husband is my best friend, and is my comfort zone when I feel like shutting the rest of the world out. Talking is great therapy, and sharing insecurities you usually wouldn't with a new partner.
I know my boyfriend is out with friends while not well, as a distraction. He'd see me once in a while throughout this, apologize and try to explain when he could. Now I think the pressure of a relationship is scary for him. That is why I am trying to make it as easy as possible, since he is incredibly special to me.
But I would wait until he is well, to talk about your feelings. Let him know he can open up to you, that you want to help him. One day hopefully we will be their comfort zone, that is what I want. It's been 9 months for mine as well, and I just wrote about the lack of support I have been receiving. It does feel like you are single, but that is kind of an insult when you put so much understanding into the relationship. If you have a good feeling and a sense of self, then you can most defintely do this.
If it ends up not working out, then at least we have been looking out for ourselves enough to say we tried and didn't waste our life waiting. Go to weddings and parties and enjoy yourself! If it does work out, then I hope we get that appreciation we deserve. Feel free to write me anytime, since I am in the same boat as you
Two people with the same problem tend to reinforce each others problem. Or, develop a dependancy on the other person.
That is not necessarily true, in my case, I can offer more understanding than any one else has ever done that has not been through it. I am very content with my life to not 'need' a relationship, I just happened to have found that right one to share my life with when the time is right. I can let go when needed, since I have that much confidence that all good things come in good time. It all comes down to what feels right for you, every one is different.
It sounds to me like you are the new ex-girlfriend. Couples break-up and couples get back together. That seems to be what has happened here.
If the old girlfriend wants to play Moma, let her.
"Necessity is the mother of invention". Until he needs to get better, he will not.
Regardless of your age, you can do better. So, let the ex have him and move-on in Life. Or, spend the rest of your life being this guy's MoM.
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Thank you for your response. I've been finding it very hard to work out what to do. As I said, I've never been subjected to depression before and didn't quite know if this is something which often happens - i.e. seeking comfort in the familiar. He has had treatment in the 10 years - quite consistently - they've tried various different methods of therapy etc. He is also on medication (3 times the normal dosage as instructed by his Dr). Nothing seems to help. Your answer has aqctually helped me quite considerably as I was feeling terribly guilty for having an issue with the ex-girlfriend factor. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind them being friends but this whole situation just felt like a little too much to understand.