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Saturday, May 09, 2009 pinkpanther10, Community Member, asks

Q: my boyfriend needs space and im scared he will break up with me. im sick and depressed what can i d

im 17 and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. it started out perfect, he was crazy about me and i was everything to him. we used to see eachother once a week out of dance lessons, but speak loads and also see eachother in dance lessons. we got closer and closer and started spending a little more time together.

 

i soon realised i was madly in love with him. we'd never argued in that whole time, hes gorgeous and always treated me perfectly and told me he loved me. he came on holiday with me and my parents to spain after 10 months of being together, and he confessed that he thought i was the 'one' for him and he never wanted to lose me and wanted me to be his forever. by this point we'd never done anything remotly sexual excpet kiss. so i knew that was not all he wanted. i fell more in love with him and said i felt the same.

 

in the september we started fooling around sexually and that brought us closer and made us want each other even more. everything was still amazing. but when he started college things changed a little. he got this friend, a girl, who at first i hated and suspected something was going on because of the amount of time they spent together, and this caused me and him arguments and i always got upset. he had a go at me and told me he would never see her like that they are friends and if he liked her he wouldnt be with me. i trust him and believe him even still. but then problems started to grow. i began to get upset if he cancelled his plans on me and id be nasty to him, because i wasnt used to it and wanted him. this made him really angry and caused more arguments.

 

 one night he went out with this girl mate of his and because i was upset he'd cancelled on me and was nasty again, he text me saying 'were finished' after a long hard cry, a million texts and fonecalls he admitted its not what he really wanted and that he did want to be with me, he just had a moment. so we were still together. in the january we finally slept together. no matter the tiny little problems we were having we were still in love and this made us even closer and he whispered to me 'id only do this because i love you'... we started spending more time together, stay in eachothers about 2 times a week and see each other randomly other days. i still started getting annoyed if he cancelled or upset if he went on and on about this other friend of his. this still made him really annoyed with me. he's still said only a few weeks ago that he wants me forever and doesnt want me to leave him, we've promised each other that.

 

but about two weeks ago he started asking me for some space. because of my moods and because he thought we were spending too much time together, he just said i need a little space. 'dont finish me' i said and he said 'im not baby i just need a little bit of space'.. so i let him have that and for the next few days i didnt call him or text him as much as i normally would, i left him to be with his friends and didnt mention anything about coming round or anything. then on the monday of last week he asked me to come round tuesday.. ahaa great he's chasing after me! i thought. and he was staying in mine on the wednesday aswel. tuesday night was great we didnt argue and had a fun night in.

 

 wednesday was a different story though. he had just got a new phone and wouldnt put it down and kept texting and wasnt speaking to me, this annoyed me because he was in my house and wasnt saying a word. so i asked him to leave it alone and he got irritated. he then put it down and went all silent and was just staring at the wall. i asked him what was up and he said nothing, im just thinking. and i said about what? and he said us. i instantly started crying because i thought he was going to finish me. n said baby please dont and he said dont what and i said end this and he said im not im not.. i just dont think its working. i couldnt stop crying and i said it is working and he said 'maybe for you but not me. like i feel like im trapped down in a relationship and cant breath because you always make me be with you and if i cant you get upset or moody and i cant take it.' and i said im sorry and that id change that and he said he needed more space. he said a part of him thinks he should move on but he said he cant because he loves me so much and he is part of my family and so close to me. he also said if anything did happen that he'd never want me out his life, we'd still be best friends and he'd still come round and stuff but i simply cant do that because id want him more than a friend.

 

 i was just crying and crying. he was being lovely about it and telling me not to cry, wiping the tears away and cuddling me but i just couldnt stop. he said 'just give me a week then, thursday to thursday lets not do anything outside dance'. so i said ok.. so were not together for a week? and he said no i dont want to be with anyone else were still together i just dont think we should spend this time together this week. so i agreed and said itl hurt me and he said hurting me was the last thing he wanted. i said id give him as much time as he needed but that i didnt think it was worth splitting up for, i just think we should spend less time togther like we used to when we were happy. and he agreed with me. i said do you still love me and he said of course i do and kissed me.

 

we kissed quite a lot that night. didnt have sex but we were happy toether and he said he felt better already. we were cuddling a lot and fell asleep happy. when he was leaving my house the next day i began to cry again saying i was worried and he jus took my head in his hands and said dont worry i love you ok? and i nodded and he said its only a week. that night i was so upset because i was scared he wouldnt want me at the end of the week.its only two days later and i'm still crying a lot.

 

today in dance he was annoyed at me because i didnt like his new haircut, i made a silly joke which he laughed at at first and then he turned it into something it wasnt. at times he was okay with me but others he was off with me. i dont get it as he was being so lovely about it on the wednesday night.he said he wants me to just leave him alone for a week, still text/ring him but dont speak about the break. i cant help it though because i just want to tell him i want to get through this and i'm sorry for annoying him and everythin but i dont want to drive him away.

 

my friends have told me not to worry and think it will be okay and that we will still be togther after this week because he's still saying he loves me but i cant help but think negative. i actually cannot see my life without him its been so long and its amazing. he makes me the happiest person in the world, i miss him all the time and truely think we still have something incredable. iv never been so close to anyone before and the thought of losing him makes me want to die. im in love with him i really am, i cannot function without him.

 

im starting to get ill though. i cant eat properly and feel sick when i get upset over him which is most of the time. i just want to be with him and am petrefied he is going to break up with me next thursday. i cant let him go i'm too in love.i try to not text him or ring him as much but i cant help it sometimes because i dont want him to forget how it is to have me there telling him i love him and stuff.

 

if there is anyone who could give me some advice on how to keep us togther and to make me happier please help. i cant do anything anymore i have lost interest in a lot of things because i cant stop thinking and worrying over him. hes my baby and i really cant let him go. please help x 

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Answers (2)
Merely Me, Health Guide
5/10/09 9:54am

Hi there

 

Okay...let me tell you first of all that I am an old lady...I am 44 and that is most likely ancient to you.  But I do remember being 17 and feeling what you are feeling.  Can I tell you now that you will feel this many times over? 

 

You are giving your boyfriend a whole lot of power and control over you that he probably does not want.  There is some stupid saying about holding sand...if you squeeze too tightly...the sand leaves your hand.  But if you hold it gently, you can keep holding onto it.

 

When you say things like that you can't let go or you couldn't handle if he broke up with you...I worry. 

 

Do not let this experience make you feel sick or depressed.

 

I am going to suggest things you may not want to do but...you have to find focus in other things outside of this young man.  He will enjoy you more if you are not so focused upon him each and every moment. 

 

Let him come to you.  You must be prepared that he may choose to go.  Allow him that option and I bet he will come to you.  If not...it is better that you know now and can move on.

 

You have so much life ahead.  He may be the one or he may be teaching you things for your future.  Remember this time...it goes so very fast.

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me00000, Community Member
4/25/11 5:36pm

im 28 and my bf of 8+yrs just told me last wk that we need a break, that he feels he's been treating me bad and doesn't know what he wants. now at the beginning of last wk he told me 'it's just a break maybe some days or longer' but i kept talkin to him and last we spoke i asked 'this is just a break right?' and he said 'i dunno i dont have the answers'. so what do i do now? i DO love him, and with this happening i've realized that i love him more than i ever thought, will he back or will it be that it's just the end? after all it IS more than 8 years. please do help me.

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Charr, Community Member
10/16/09 6:50pm

I'm in the same position as you. However I'm 16 and he's 18. It's down to fine details though and I know how hard this for you.

You can't bare to be alone can you.. The thought of sitting there without him kills you.. You want to spend every minute of the day with him, telling him you love him more than anything every few minutes. Being in his arms is the only comfort you seem to find.. The thought of being without him.. makes you feel like your not whole.

When he tells you he needs space... you go almost over the top.. begging desperately.. and looking a little bit scary to him.. making him want to leave even more.

One thing you have to remember is that he loves you.

I know how scary it is when someone that means alot to you has a friendship with someone else! I know how jealous you get! I also know that it eats you up all of the time. How dare she be with him! He means the world to you. How dare she get the privelege of his presence. You know how amazing he is don't you, the things noone else notices, I know you do.

I know.. I feel the same, what you've said made me cry to be honest.

 

All I can say is.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder :P

I mean, I know it's said alot but it's so true.

You want to know why everything was AMAZINGGG before you spent so much time together..

because you had to WAIT for it.. and so when you were together... you made the most of every single minute.

Waiting for the first cuddle and kiss, was hard.. but when you got it .. it was great.

 

 

My advice to you is just that when he talks about the girl.. bite your tongue.

Seriously. Unless he cheats or gives reason not to trust him, let him talk!!

Think about it rationally.. Your close to him! He is going to tell you stuff.

You should be more worried if he ain't telling you nothing.

 

He's been with you this long. You have a bond and it scares you that it could break.

Even though it looks as if this situation is down to him.. It's up to you.

Don't text him or call him. Let him contact you.

When he does. Tell him your going out.. To have a girly night, just go enjoy your time!!

If he see's you smiling your jobs almost done.

He loves you! All he wants is to see you happy.

From his point of view he's scared too. He feels like nothing he can do can make you happy.. which would worry someone who tries really hard. Space is what he thinks YOU need. Not him.

Prove to him that your ready to get back on track, keep smiling and be positive.

You might not be together. But you love eachother. That's more special that anything he'll 'have' with that girl.

 

Good luck. I'll save the page and if you message back, I will too.

xxx

 

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JJTheAngel, Community Member
2/ 7/10 10:28pm

Just enjoy your life .. and be confident. and he will come to you if YOUR happy.

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iris101, Community Member
6/20/10 11:47pm

Men are strange, my boyfriend and I have a daughter that is  1 1/2 yrs old, he told me last month he wanted more kids, and now wants space, and he wants me to be happy without him,  to findsomeone that might be better for me.  And when I try to speak to him about our relationship, he refuses to speak to me.

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By pinkpanther10, Community Member— Last Modified: 04/25/11, First Published: 05/09/09