I've been maried 30 years and my wife has had depression for 5 years. It was completely new experience for me but both of us never hesitated to find a professional help when my coworker who has wife with depression advised us to do so. Based on my experience and my friend's most of you in this forum are likely having something other than depression.
Since my wife had depression I had come across several people with depressed spouse and read quite a few books and articles in order for me to cope with the situation.
First of all it seems very odds to me that all your spouse show anger or resent toward you. Usually a person with depression is angry to oneself. If it gets serious then they commit a suicide. My wife had been admitted for suicidal watch for two weeks. I haven't heard any depressed person commit a murder or being violent toward others. Aggression toward others are totally different problem.
And depression is cureable disease with modern medicine. It takes time the medicine take effect when you find right kind of prescription. All the symptoms of depression will subside once the medicine take effect and you can function as normal as anyone. There is no stigma attached to the disease these days. My wife has had job in managerial position with a company and she is the one refused to be promoted.
But the problem of depression is not the depression itself but it is the side effects from the medicine and psychological and physical change which is resulted from combination of medicine and depression. My wife just had nerological transmitter implant for her back pain problem. She has been suffering this back pain for 7 years and doctors couldn't find the cause of the problem, so for the last resort she dicided have implant. But a significan portion of people with depression complains a certain chronic pain. Doctor even could not explain which one cause what. Is the pain fake or real? Sex? Forget it. I've been in celibacy for years now.
The disease itself is not big deal. Together with depression sha has insomnia, back pain, and anxiety. Usually it is all package deal comes together. If you have depression you will have one or more of the other also. Just imagine the prescriptions she has to take every day. She is always tired, sleep until 2 in the afternoon on day off, never eat at home, don't want to go out at all, complain pain on driving all the time, there is no activity and life except sleeping and going work. Whenever she comes home from work, she is about to collapse to the floor.
The real problem with depression is that they are completely self sufficient. They don't need any help to maintain their own life. Just feels bad, that's it. And this causes the relationship getting crack.
We have had seperate room for 7 years because of her insomnia, and I can not argue for anything not to cause her sleeplessness, can not hug becuse of her back pain, I even forgot how to sex with woman. But She still have job and does not need my help to walk, bathe, or whatever. So her voice is as equal as mine. So she will exercise her decision power with full authority. I have to lose for anything. Otherwise, I am selfish, not understanding, and on and on.
So finally I felt there has to be some change for me to survive without breaking this marriage. I don't care about money, future, new car, real estate bust, bad economy, stock market, 401K, whatever. I got to have a life NOW. I told her to move to one of south American country. Then I don't have to worry about whether she may kill someone or be killed on the road with auto accident, she can sleep all day, we don't have to worry about making ends meet every month, medical cost is cheap like dirt or fly back to US if we have to, and we can spend time on rain forest, volcanoe, or tropical coast. I never had expensive hobby and don't even drink. As long as she is safe and happy, I will be happy and we will be together forever. Oh but she was mad and angry when I said that. She declared she will never go to third world country to live, and keep the job until she falls.
Now I am going to have depression. I have no life. Even a person living with quadraplegic spouse would not have this problem. My friend was diagnosed as Lougeric's disease and crippled but don't have this emotional conflict. When one spouse is dependent on the other, probably it may enhance the bond. But depression works opposite. If you go other forum you will realize this tendency.
I love her very much, but I just want to live rest of life like this any more unless I were to be given one more life. I lost all the motivation I had. I had but she refused. Depression is worse than terminal cancer. It is slow torture to undepressed partner.
I am not a doctor. But there is more than you hear from doctor or counsellor in depression. That is why I am making long story. Be prepared.
If I had known this consequence, I would had turned the handle different direction earlier but it's too late.
Good luck, people.