Jerry - unfortunately, all I have is my support - I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer other than just commissurating.  My wife basically went through the same process and I reacted in a very similar way.  She accused me of the same thing - interesting that she used the same words - that I had ruined her life and destroyed her self-esteem.  We've been married close to 20 years now and my wife's progression was very similar but slower.  During the course of our arguments over the years, she seems to slip more and more into a feeling of despair and anger, more and more often taking it out on me (nearly exactly as you described).    Have you ever asked your wife about counseling?  Again, our situations sould erily similiar - in my case, the last person my wife was taking advice from was me, but some objective participant like a counselor *may* help.  Friends & family are out because it seems that trying to get your wife to consider addressing depression risk the high risk of seeming like you're pitting a family member, or a friend of hers against her.  I though of approaching one of my wife's friends about the situation (we'll call her "M" to protect her...) - M knew we were having troubles and, having known both of us for a while - my wife longer than me - M still seemed to not hold my wife's opinions of me against me (I hope that makes sense - I'm sure my wife told M about what she thought I was doing wrong, but I never got the sense that M treated me differently because of that - not sure if M understood what was going on or that she was just trying to stay out of it.  I think it was the former, not the latter, because I think M saw herself just wasn't the same as my wife would complain to her about, but that's my own read, which could be entirely wrong).  I considered talking to M and seeing if she would consider trying to get my wife to see someone about her depression, but never did because I didn't want my wife's relationship with M to be affected if my wife thought I was trying to use M "against" her.  The same held true with family - I didn't want to put a family member in the middle of this mess and run the risk of ruining that relationship for either one of us, too.  A counselor may be an option simply because they have nothing vested in either side and can be more objective.    I recommend that with some hesitation, however.  As I said previously, the first counselor we saw listened to my wife for 30 minutes and asked her if she ever considered that she was depressed - my wife took offense at that suggestion and we never went back to her again.  We ended up seeing a counselor that my wife heard speak in public one time and really like her - we went to her many times but she never even mentioned the possibility of depression to my wife.  Well after we stopped seeing her, and after my wife was on her meds, I asked her why she never thought depression was a factor in what was obviously a bad situation.  The counselor throught that depression was overprescribed for marrital troubles and thought that my wife should have come to that conclusion on her own - that if she wanted a better life, she needed to go through her own self-examination to determine that.  She told me that her son was bipolar and that's how he eventually sought help - he was tired of living the way he was and took action to change it.  Her answer sort of pissed me off - THAT was the whole problem - my wife simply thought that *I* was her problem.  Therefore, why look inward if you think you've already identified the problem?  I was sort of hoping, as an objective observer, the counselor would have seen that factor playing into the equation and brought it up, but never did.  Maybe I was unrealistic in my expectations but clearly we lived for years not seeing the problem - I was paying someone to help us figure out what we couldn't see, only to identify and drive a remedy to the problem on my own.   Again, I think this will only work if your wife sees value in trying to see a counselor in the first place - if she doesn't think that will help, it's hard to not make that self-fullfilling.  However, if she's open to it, it may work.  Like I said earlier, if there is any "common problem" that you can see an opening with her to try to solve together, that's how we got to a solution.  My wife's depression made her tired - I kept encouraging her to see her doctor to solve that problem, which she wanted to solve, too.  I'm not sure if your wife would considering counseling if it would help address something she mentions as problems (eg, not being happy, being irritable, etc.).    Please don't take this the wrong way - I'm not trying to get personal and I'm no expert on the subject by any means but if you've been married for 25 years and have a few kids, is it possible that it's pre-menapause?  My wife is 40 and she feels like she's starting to get pre-menapausal sometimes - hot flashes, etc. - I suspect my wife's mood & hormone levels are going to fluctuate if this is happening.  I don't necessarily think that was my wife's problem - her symptoms seem to be evident well before, but it may be something to consider.  Again, I'm no expert so I am not in a position to suggest a coorelation but it may be something worth looking into.   Sorry for the book (again).  Hope the post is useful in some way.