My children are becoming teenagers and I feel them becoming more independent and needing me less. I am getting extremely anxious and depressed about it! All I want to do is be with them and I know that clinging is not healthy. They want to be with their friends and have fun and I understand that. Still, I don't really enjoy myself fully unless I am with them, and they're home with me as it gives me a safe, secure feeling. I've been told by a few psychotherapists that I have an abandonment issue but they don't tell me how to resolve it! So what do I do? It seems they like to identify problems and then not tell you what to do.
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3/27/09 9:42pm
Hi Babette
First of all I have to say...what great comments you have already received! Our community here is so responsive...I do want to thank everyone who reaches out to help others on this site. It is really great to see!
I am entering into this realm too. I have two boys who are teenagers now. I have a unique situation in that my youngest son has autism but nonetheless...the pull towards greater independence is still there. And my oldest son is spending more and more time with friends and it does make me wistful for when he was young and wanted to spend more time with me. But life does go on and children grow older and we do too.
I think this stage of life could be an opportunity though. You can have more time to devote to things you didn't have time for before. You can also now relate to your children on a whole new level. There can be a depth to the relationship that only can happen as your kids grow more mature.
And as a previous commenter mentioned, your children still need you. They may need you even more now but in a different way than when they were little. They will always need your love and acceptance.
One idea I had was...if you have time perhaps you could volunteer or work with children or even another population who may need your time. This is but one way to extend those nurturing needs.
I did find two great articles on the empty nest syndrome with suggestions.
Here is one article which explains the range of emotions empty nesters may feel and offers ways for parents to cope.
This next article is written by Miriam Stoppard, who is a well respected doctor and writer.
I hope this helps some. And thank you for your question!
3/26/09 4:50am
Now I would ask you, Have you ever confronted them on this?
I am not a professional but it would seem to me that the only way for you to deal with it is to talk about issues in your life that would result in your feeling the way you do.
Why are we so afraid to be alone?
I remember when I was a child my father and my siblings left me behind at a gas station somewhere in berkley, ca I believe. I came out of the bathroom and no one was there. I walked across the street to a park that was having some kind of hippie festival and was offered by some pot smoking couple to hang with them until whenever. But I caught something out of the corner of my mind and just started running down this street, sure enough it was the wrong street, I found the car and beat them to it. And they never new about the 5 minutes I was standing in the park scared out of my mind.
Find someone to talk to and make sure they know what you expect to get out of the meetings. Remember your the one paying for it.
Hope this helps,
Pat
3/26/09 4:55pm
Babette ! Wow...can I relate ! I raised my 3 children alone, so my whole life surrounded around them.. I did not even know that I was feeling so empty and low when they moved out....I TOTALLY understand the feeling of security knowing they are home and safe and loved and with ME !....and it is an EXTREME adjustment when they become independent (which, as I am sure you know, is VERY normal right around those teenage years !)....I felt as though my children were abandoning me and did not need me or love me as much as they once used to anymore. I was in total despair and was very sad and emotionally lost. Of course, none of this was true, but I sure felt it !
In my case, there was always someone home, kids always in and out, phone always ringing...; therefore,..... no loneliness !!, someone who always needed something...; therefore,..... no time to think about becoming depressed! I did not even recognize that I was so deep into the Empty Nest Syndrome because I have so many friends so i wondered how I could feel so abandoned and lonely with so many friends by my side ???....That did not matter....I felt
I was losing my kids and it REALLY hurt !, especially in the gloomy winter months when I would come home to a dark, quiet house....WHAT A HORRIBLE FEELING !!!! I used to just cry !! I truly believe, (at least in my own case)...that it does have something to do with a genuine feeling of abandonment and "loss". It is just hard to believe and accept.... It was if my children did not need me anymore and they consumed SO much of my life and I was and still am at times missing that.. I will bet that you excessively worry about them, and their well being is another emotion you may be experiencing ??? I also bet you wish they were once again babies or toddlers ? Am I right ?? ...MY SUGGESTIONS :
1. Your Children will ALWAYS NEED YOU...trust me !!! Even more after the teenage years !!! I have 2 who live out of town and one who lives nearby and is married.... I did go to counseling and therapy did help. I highly suggest it !! Feelings may come out you were totally unaware you had ! ... I make a point of trying to keep busy with friends or try taking up a hobbie of some kind. If you work, make plans after ! If you don't work..., again, make plans or do any volunteer work....(very rewarding and great for self-esteem !) Try setting "dates" with your children....Let them know you want to go with them to a movie on such and such a day, or shopping or whatever ! Look forward to it ! Embrace it ! AND!..... It is ok to let them know how you are feeling. Don't feel guilty and worry about upsetting them as I did (I am famous for always feeling guilty, because I never want to hurt anyone !)...They will amaze you if you are honest with how you are feeling...They will always love you !
2. Do NOT beat yourself up...Changes are a crucial part of life, and the adjustments to those changes can be most difficult and overwhelming ! Most important !!!.....find a good counselor or support group in your area !!..Again, you will be amazed at how talking about these feelings can help to ease them.... I UNDERSTAND AND FEEL FOR YOU..... IT IS DIFFICULT BUT YOU WILL ADJUST...REMEMBER!! THIS IS FAR MORE COMMON THAN YOU KNOW!!.....
YOU ARE NOT ALONE !! BEST OF LUCK !!
4/ 4/09 10:22pm
Thanks for all comments, especially yours Jeannie.
It is hard to WANT to find other interests because my interests are my family and children first and will always be.
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By Babette— Last Modified: 12/19/10, First Published: 03/25/09
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