Withdraw from partner, but not others when depressed?

Thank you for this.  This is like reading my own diary but I have not found anyone yet online who seems to have experienced something similar to my own situation. 

I woke on August 8 2008 to find that the love of my life, the person I was committed to spending the rest of my life with, had disappeared next to me overnight into total darkness and out of my life completely.  Literally.  He didn't even seem to recognise who I was and could see me but I was "behind plate glass and he couldn't reach me or get to me".  This had followed 3 months of the stormclouds of severe depression looming.  Anti depressants had been prescribed  2 weeks previously before he took his daughters on a catastrophic holiday, which had had a quite severe effects of already beginning to dampen emotion.   Bad luck followed hard on the heels of intolerable trauma: the treatment he received from his psychiatrist who was on maternity leave was inept and unethical to the degree my own doctor and pyschologist have recommended since August that I should report  her to the BMA with their professional backing.  Whilst totally vulnerable and he was advised that he should not be in any emotional relationship and that he should end it immediately.  An emotional email saying just that arrived following his appointment with her, although he said he wanted to recover but would be there four months down the line in December (our anniversary).  I managed to speak to the psych.  briefly; clearly the depth and validity of our relationship, the fact we were getting married was held to be of no importance in the light of his depression.  I went to see him that night and he was a husk,  broken and tearful but kept telling me he would be there in December and how much he loved me and how sorry he was. Two emails followed with the same message but included the message that his pychiatrist had emailed him and was going to phone him about my telephone conversation with her (unethical apparantly but parr for the course). I went to see him again 5 days later after she had spoken to him.  There was nothing in his eyes except fear and loathing.  I received a lengthy email a fortnight later full of paranoia and fear.  In an instant I had turned from the person he adored and could not bear to be without, who he wanted to spend his life with, into the amalgamation of his ex wife and every other woman he had disliked.  Classic transference apparantly.  The endless love,help and support I had given him for several months as the depression began to rollercoaster was dismissed as being controlling, manipulative, wishing to subordinate him, sinister and unwanted.  I was unrecognisable as the person he had loved so completely until the night of August 7. 

I can only describe the months that followed as dealing with monumental emotional trauma, like having a sledgehammer pounding on every inch of you with no escape.    Initially I took 2 weeks off work and my weight plummeted unhealthily.  I took the same road as you - friends, support, counselling, reading everything I could, rationalising his behaviour into illness and fear.  I have had to remember constantly that the love between us was what it was, not a sham or a fraud or a lie.  It has not been easy.  I received yet another lengthy letter in December (when he had felt he would be able to come back into my life)  full of more paranoid and fear and dismissal.  I went to see him in December and knew that if I saw everything he had said to me in his letter was true in his eyes and his heart that I would have to walk away and have no further contact.  But it wasn't.  He was subdued from his medication, but tearful and recognising to a degree what had happened, that he felt he had "f... up and gone off the rails with his mum's death.  Yet there was so much he couldn't remember, couldn't see - was perplexed why I was looking so thin and unwell.   Ironically, he didn't think his psychiatrist had been able to help him but his relationship with her of course remains sacrosanct.    His confusion emotionally was immense and of course I was trying to talk to him as if he was rational - after all he is working and able to hold down his job, undertake all the responsiblities and duties of his father and daughters.  He said he wanted me to be his friend, to maintain some contact.  Yet I knew the moment he shut the door that yet again he would withdraw and shut down.  Another message arrived saying he wanted to be left alone, he couldn't face me,  he didn't want anthing else, talking was no good, he just felt beaten up and unable to cope with all the burdens he has of divorce, house sale, daughters, ill father, work, ill health, duty, responsiblity.  You get the picture!  So really no different to August.

I have sent a very loving letter and two cards, none with any expectation of reply.  Of course there has been no reply.  As far as he is concerned I have been cut out of his life irrevocably and he has painted a picture of me being sinister and controlling and bad for him to keep himself safe and free of any responsiblitily or guilt for causing any hurt or pain.  

Like you must do I just take each day as it comes.  Every day has been tear filled, each day changes.  The visceral missing him, not wanting to live feeling has begun to dissipate.  I cannot drop into the abyss - I have my three children and a mum with Alzhiemers who lives with me and I teach.  I try as you do to see all of this in relation to mental health and illness.  It helps that I have a brother who has manic depression.  I see it as being that depression is such a self absorbed and self centred illness that it brings to the fore the very worst characteristics of a person.  How much responsibllity they have in illness for the intolerable cruelty and pain they bestow is of course another question.  I can veer between thining it is forgiveable because it is born of illness and would never happen in wellness to thinking it is unforgiveable no matter what.  If you love someone how can you knowingly and deliberately destroy them emotionally?

I don't know what the outcomes will be for my partner.  I cannot give up hope and faith in who the best of him is.  I know in my rational head that he may not recover or if he does he will be very changed and that there may be nothing more between us.  At the moment those feelings still leave me with my stomach lurching and panic crowding my head.  One day at a time, trying to be focused and strong for me, for those around me.  Being patient, understanding, tolerant, turning the other cheek is not always easy but then I don't think any of us in this situation think anything about it is easy!!  I keep thinking that one day I will have got through the day when I have not thought about him, not cried, not wanted him and missed his voice, his laughter, his hand.  It hasn't happened yet.

So I continue as you do to live in a kind of void, with no reply.  I will send loving reminders of happier times, when life was not full of anger, darkness, fear and negativity, when life together was full of the colours of happiness.

I hope that the colours of happiness return for us all. 

I am dealing with the 8th month of her depressive episode, or so I think. since she will not respond to any of my attempts to communicate with her, I have no information one way or the other. so I assume I'm still being shut out because of depression. however, for all I know she can be well and simply not interested in anythign about me anymore. I tried to call her yeasterday evening but what I got in return was a stinging instant message with the word "what". That's it. I was sadly happy that for the first time in months she actually contacted me in some small way. But when I stared at the word "what" I was stunned at the coldness and anger I suspected it was written with. So my heart sank as did my mood. I didn't know how to understand it or what it meant. All I can do is respond with a worried "nothing important. sorry". No response from her. Then I wrote another short line with small talk. She never responded to me. She dismissed me as if I was the most unimportant and insignificant piece of trash on the planet. So needless to say it set me back by leaps and bounds. So I cried a lot. I was dumbfounded at my own ignorance. I was crushed emotionally. That was short of emotional abuse and right in line with absolute indifference and comtempt towards me. I had a terribly painful and fitful night and decided that she simply no longer loves me, likes me, wants me in her life, and I do not matter to her in the slightest. Even in her darkest moments she should be able to say anything nicer to me such as "hey, or hi, or what's up, anything that remotely speakd to me as loving human being. But she doesn't. So I can only take that as her wanting me to leave her alone for good because she has moved on from me and no longer cares for me. It's difficult for me to accept that and to understand why she can not be on friendly terms with me, be able to say hello, ask me how I am, tell me she's still not ready, anything - but she is gone. She is no longer the person I've know for over 20 years and not the person who loved me beyond anything last year. I seem to have become her enemy, I went dfrom being her confidant to being the last person she would confide in much less actually talk to in any way. I am beyond consoling. Beyond comprehending. I feel unimportant to her, insignificant to her, unworthy of her - but I know I am not any of those things in real life. I can not imiagine the horrible things that I've done that can not be forgiven, or that would cause the love of my life to choose to cut me out so coldly and completley. But she has. And there is nothing else I can do. I have worked so very hard fro 8 months in my own counseling to deal with me, and with the emotional pain of her depression. Nothing has changed. She wants out and so it shall be. I understand that untreated depression lifts between 6 - 13 months. I am in the 8th month, I think, because as I mentioned earlier, she doesn't speak to me so I don't know if she is actually still in depression or simply just feels nothing but contempt, hate and nothingness for me. So I am giving up now. I've done all I can possibly do as a human being to be there as a friend, as anything, and she is simply just not the same person she was with me 8 months ago. I wish you better luck than I've had. I wish you heaven and peace of mind.

Hi

Don't lose hope or faith and don't give up just yet! Your earlier entry struck many cords as it will have done for others at your generosity of spirit and love for her.  Sadly we all know there is no rhyme or reason what symptoms unfold with depression or even from reactions to medications. Like myself you do not know her state or condition or what medication she is on etc.   But you do know absolutely that she would not be behaving like this towards you if she was well. She has known and loved you for 20 years and you have known and loved the best of her. This is now the worst of her, complete with callous cruelty and utter selfishness - symptomatic of depression sadly. Go with all your earlier intuition and instincts and try and hold on until there are signs of wellness. If it is meant to be she will come back if she can.

I am sure like me you have read everything under the sun about how long this type of clinical depression lasts. Horrendously for us again there is no given or guarantee. A friend of mine is still waiting patiently after almost 2 years. Heartbreaking beyond belief and panic making beyond belief. My very wise 17 year daughter frequently reminds me that although these months for me have been painfully slow, time in depression is very different and may seem like very little time. I don't know what led to your partner's breakdown. My partner's was a cataclysmic chain of life events until every burden felt like rocks in a rucksack he couldn't carry - his words. I believe there will be no beginning of recovery until all those burdens are gone or dealt with, they are too closely linked with the depression.  That is worth thinking about in regards to time about your partner.

I think all we can do is continue to keep them in our hearts, thoughts and memories but regard them as being lost and not wanting to be found by us for the time being. It sounds as if our partners have something in common - the need to be in control and stay at work and put all their energies into responsibility and duty and being seen to be strong. There is nothing left emotionally for them and they have nothing to give. Any contact with us is as you say a reminder of depression and helplessness but it is also too much pressure and expectation that they cannot rise to.  But in addition, part of the control element is that they want to be left alone to sort things out themselves, in trying to help we are seen as taking away their control and their problem and stamping our own emotionality on it.

It is worth perhaps lessening your contact - this is now the 9th month of this nightmare and I since December I have contacted him 4 times, each time with something he can hold onto when and if he is well. Occasional reminders that you are still there for her is probably better than a weekly reminder which she will probably regard as a pressure or threat. It is also better for you because you will not have the constant stomach lurching with "will she reply or won't she" syndrome.   Always make it clear that your intention is gentle and well meaning and you have no expectation of reply, then you won't be endlessly disappointed. At least silence means that they are still unwell, no matter how hard it is to deal with. You can always write what you want to say to her each week in your diary rather than to her.

This vortex of no contact and no knowledge of how they are or how they feel is unbelievably painful all the time and it clearly is for you. The missing emotionally and physically is beyond endurance. But their shutting down and withdrawing with such deliberate and ruthless aggression completely corrodes your confidence, the reality of what the relationship was, who you are and who they are. It is so difficult to separate emotion and reason sometimes and keep remembering all the time that they are ill and full of irrationalities themselves!  That fact hasn't changed about your partner.

Believe in who you are, your own goodness, generosity of spirit and strength.   Even if you think you cannot carry on and will give up you know you won't because you love her too much and tomorrow reason will kick in again.  Keep your partner in your mind but try and refocus a little.  Be gentle with yourself and don't lay yourself open to unnecessary hurt and pain.  Can others find out how she is for you?  Give yourself targets to contact her and perhaps just send cards or notes, something she can choose to open and read or not, but something that is tangible and there in black and white.  I think receiving texts or voice messages is too instant and almost shocking for them.  Awful ...

Perhaps all this feel the same to you as it does to me - like climbing a mountain with no oxygen and no summit in sight.  Time ... and time ... and time ...

Sorry to have rambled on for so long but I hope some of it helps!  Keep in touch and try to take good care of yourself.

Thanks. I will admit that I've lost hope & faith. After reading your post I feel a little less hopeless. Thanks you so much. It felt foreign to hear yet soul soothing that my generosity of spirit and love for her perhaps struck many cords. There's a quiet and gentle satisfaction unknowing anything I say helps anyone going through this madness.  My love for her spans back to 1984 when we met at basic training and has never changed. These Last 8 months has seemingly killed that. There really is no rhyme or reason to the symptoms that reveal themselves during depression. It's impossible to know what the symptoms are and what their actual real feelings and thoughts are. When I feel weak and defeated, I tend to believe she simply no longer likes, loves, wants or believes in me as a human being. I start to believe she distrusts me and wants me to disappear forever. She went on medication at the onset in august and did her requisite 8 weeks as well as counseling. Then she quit. Since then, she has simply departed from my life in fast motion. I do not know her state or condition or anything else about her for that matter. You made me remember that yes, I do know absolutely that she would not be behaving this way towards me, most likely, if she was not unwell. At least to be able to respond politely and kindly to me on any level. I was so appreciative to read your words that reminded me that for over 20 years she has known and loved me and I have known and loved the best in her. She was always my hero and the light of my life. Never gave me a single worry or unkind word. Her love was so kind and unconditional and forgiving. Until August 2008. That's when clinical depression set in and changed her personality completely. The worst of her has emerged and it surely had included callous cruelty and utter selfishness. Thank you for reminding me that those are symptoms of depressions and not who I have known her to be for all those years before this. My earlier intuition and instincts have to help me to try to hold on until there are signs of wellness. I do not know how I will see those signs as she lives and works in NC and I in FL. She will not allow me to go home there so I can not see her. She will not talk to me on any level. I can not know if she is well. I guess I have to believe that if it is meant to be she will come back if she can do that.

I have read everything humanly possibly about how long this kind of depression lasts. And there is no guarantee. The average untreated depressive episode is said to last between 6 - 13 months, but I know it can be longer. It's mindboggling how 8 months can seem so painfully long for me yet seem like no time at all for her in her world. I have to remind myself that I can not compare 8 months to 20+ years.

What I believe led to my partner's depression is also a series of life events. Her experience in Iraq, retiring from the military after having served her entire life since 18. Watching her mother slowly die from breast cancer and taking her last breath. 2 car accidents that totaled her car. A new job with so much responsibility. A heart breaking relationship/friendship with someone, losing a good long time friend to breast cancer, and finally 2 incidents with me where in a state of hormonal imbalance I broke up with her without meaning to. She says the 2 incidents with me were the catalyst and that they are the 2 gaping holes that she can not get over. She says there's nothing wrong with her except her heart and that is what she needs to fix if we are ever to be what we once were. And most recently her stepfather remarrying and I am wondering if her rock, her precious dog, has passed with me not knowing. She told me in august that she feels she was on a mountain and loved that mountain, then she feel from that mountain in the hardest and most painful way she's ever fallen in her life. She did not know how or if she can recover from that and make it back up there. She feels she is in the hospital room looking at that mountain, liking it, loving it, wanting it, but unable to get to it because she has to recover. Her words. My greatest cross is the thought that she believes I am the reason for her hell. Like you, I believe that until and unless she deals with all of those monumental experiences she too will not recover because they are more closely related to her depression than I can ever be.

Please tell me what you mean by "That is worth thinking about in regards to time about your partner." Did you mean that she will need as much time as possible to deal with all of those things before she can possibly come out of this?

I am trying to find the fortitude to continue to keep her in my heart, my thoughts, and hold on to all those genuine memories. I am beginning to slowly accept however that it's time to start seeing her as being lost and not wanting to be found by me at all. She does need to be in control and stay at work and she does put any energy she can muster into her sense of duty and responsibility to anything work related. I never really got why that was, and why not with me or us? You've made me remember that it is the only place she might feel strong and capable for now because she does not seem to have anything emotional to give me. It is so hard to accept that any contact with me is a reminder of her depression and sense of failure but I strangely understand how it feels like too much pressure and expectation and she can't rise to it. I only know this to be true because of the many; many times I heard those words come from her own mouth in pure desperation for some relief from it. She does want to be left alone to sort her mind out on her own. When I've tried to help in the first months I was seen as taking away her control and stamping it with my own emotionality/. "Too much support". Her words....

For 20+ years my letters to her were the sole source of our love in so many complicated and profoundly important ways. Not writing to her is unthinkable. In August I tried to take my unread letters back and she fought me like a bear. She then told me that although it's so hard for her to read them, she needs them with her as therapy, and she reads them as she can. So I've been so hesitant to stop. I have no idea if she still wants them or not, she hasn't told me to stop although I've asked in so many ways. She only ever asked for me to tone down the amorous words because they trigger intense guilt and spiral her out of control. So I am lost at what to do about that. I will stop and maybe send her a posy car monthly. I don't know if that's good or bad. I will stop calling for sure though and leaving voice mails. I share your idea that providing them something to hold onto when she is well. I can see your point that occasional reminders that I am still there for her is likely better at this point than weekly ones. I have seen her fly into a rage when she's felt as if what I do is pressure or threatening for her. I wish I can convince myself that her silence with me means she is still unwell because sometimes I almost convince myself that her silence in only the writing on the wall that she has recovered but wants nothing to do with me anyway. I have taken to writing her my true feelings and thoughts in a notebook since December, so I will continue to do so. To at least get it all out of my head. Maybe one day I will give it to her when this has all passed.

No contact or knowledge of how she is insufferable.  I am resilient yet so unbearable weak at the lack of emotional or physical connection. Shutting me out and withdrawing and feeling as if I am an insignificant stranger is the worst. We seem estranged for not a solid good enough reason in my mind. It has made me question the absolute meaning of us to the core. Remembering she is ill keeps me sane. Her irrationalities are so mind boggling. I almost start to believe it all at times.

I do believe in who I am but do need to be reminded that I am good, generous of spirit, but have a hard time believing I am strong. I do feel as if I can't carry on one more second with this and then suddenly see her picture, read her cards, follow out 20 year history of happiness and it goes away for a while. I've tried to give up so many times but won't because she is the love of my life, my true soul mate so I am unable to. Reason does kick in and I battle that monster again. Unfortunately for me there is no one that I can contact to let me know she is well. I sneak & call her receptionist at work to ask for her and am told that she's in the field. The other day she was in the office so somehow she busted me and that was the ‘what" IM I received. I will refocus a little. Thanks. I will send her cards and notes that she can choose to open or not. Tangible black and white does seem to be so important and I haven't understood why. It was enlightening to read your comment about texts and voice messages being to instant and shocking or raw for her to handle. Thanks so much for that. That became crystal clear when I read it.

Yes, our mountains seem identical almost, no air to breathe and no actual end in sight. Do you mean time is all we have on our side?

 Please keep me in your cyber world because for the first time in 8 months I feel I have possibly found a kindred spirit and want to hold it close as a blessing.  Is there a way for us to exchange our emails safely so that we can c communicate in that way if possible?

Hi again. 

Yes, it certainly seems odd to be pouring our hearts out in this cyberspace fashion and I agree it is pretty remarkable to have found someone who seems to be experiencing such a parallel life across the waters and within the same time frame.  Please do let's see if we can swap emails safely and continue to support each other.  I think I have worked out that if you go to "my home" and then emails you can send me a private email (I think you would just send to K as I have not put my full name in) and then I will receive it.  If you send me your home email I can reply to that, would be easier.

Let's see if we can do that -  I'll check in to see if your mail comes through.

In the meantime - just to answer a couple of your questions.  I meant it is worth thinking about in relation to time of recovery how long you think rationally the practical and emotional burdens your partner is dealing with - prior and during this depression - may take to work through.  For example my partner's (not that I am allowed to think of him like that!) divorce will not come through until August, his daughter's exams will not finish until June ... etc etc so rationally there is no way any kind of recovery can even begin until then.  Amazingly, like your partner, mine watched his Mum die of cancer on March 9, was with her on his own and could not get the picture of her last breaths out of his head.  This then became irrational guilt about him being somehow responsible for the unhappiness in her life.  His father's Alzheimers worsened and again he took on the guilt of him being ill and having to go into a home, all made worse for him because my Mum has Alzheimers but she lives with me and my family.  Death and grieving can take 2 years to recover from, so that would take us to next spring .... 

It sounds as though, like my partner, she was in a maelstrom of emotional batterings that she could not cope with and it was that that brought her down, not your actions when unwell yourself.   In wellness she would have supported you just as you are now supporting her.  Try to remember that the triggers your partner says tipped her over the mountain side are handles that she holds on to so that you can be blamed almost for her treating you so appallingly.  This will put it into context for you - my partner says that he cannot see how a relationship with me would pan out and that he would always be frightened of me because under great stress and worry after an uncomplaining 3 months of black clouds blighting our life I lost my temper and called him a victim.  And worse I shouted the word!  I am too good with words and have a sharp tongue but that one incident of weakness has been used to measure who I am, not every single second of every single day I was there to comfort, support, encourage, listen to and love him.  By blaming my shortcomings he does not need to feel any responsiblity for my emotions or pain and can walk away without any guilt.  Ironically, of course, he is the victim and I am the perpetrator of the crime!  Like you, the pain of dealing with that is sometimes beyond endurance.  I have spent the last few days crying endlessly with the irrationality of how much he much despise and loathe me.    I know inside that that cannot be true in wellness, I know in wellness he adored me as much as I adored him.

You see I am good at giving advice, not always able to hear it myself and act on it rationally.  Depression breeds depression and you and I are dealing with the fall out of this darkness.   

But you know, there is much that is positive for you about your partner's response to you and much to hold onto.  She holds her letters from you as a talisman to help her recover.  What does that tell you?  She has asked you not to be as intense with your emotions as she cannot withstand the guilt it induces.  She has not returned your letters unread.  She can explained as clearly as she can that she has fallen off the mountain and doesn't know who to get back up but wants to so much, to recover to who she is.  She is saying much to you about how she feels through a fog of emotion that she cannot cope with or deal with.  Much of it is shorthand which if you didn't love her you would have no way of understanding and you wouldn't try to.  You know absolutely the person you loved and loved you is not the person you are witnessing be cruel and callous.  Absolutely not.  She is capable of it, of course, but it is triggered and maintained by deep unwellness.  You have twenty years to hold onto, eight months is no time.   

I have written so much more than I intended to until we can correspond privately but wanted you to have some comforting words and thoughts.  Funnily enough writing them to you enables me to give myself a good talking to at the same time! It does not mean that I won't be going to sleep dry eyed tonight, I teeter on the edge pretty much all the time and I have had a very tearful day at school today.

Your partner is lucky and blessed that you love her so much.  Until we speak again I am going to leave you with one thought that I believe shows the true power of love.

My Mum has severe Alzheimers, her speech is nonsensical and memories of every last minute are fleeting.  She does not recognise her other 5 children or pictures of my father who she met when she was 17.  But miraculously she knows who I am and still calls me my name, knows my children and my dogs (but not their names).  Our roles are now of course reversed.  Yet on 3 occasions since August when I have been unable to contain my grief in front of her, she struggled physically until she could put her arms round me, stroke my cheek and try to comfort me once again as a mother.  So you see even amongst scrambled brains love remains, buried and forgotten, but still there.  If we are going to be able to continue to love our partners unreservedly in sunshine and in this terrible, terrible storm, then we have to believe that the love that was there in wellness is still there, buried but there. 

I'll look forward to talking more.

Hi to K, Amanda, and all of you

It is such a relief to read all your entries describing what I have been going through with my fiance since Easter this year. It feels like such a bizarre thing to experience, something which nobody else seems to know about or have experience of. I have read a couple of books on depression and talked to lots of people about it, many have had some experience of depression but not of the depressed person completely cutting out contact with their partner.

I have been with him for 3 years, it had always been a wonderful, stable, strong, loving relationship. I felt that I could depend on him, trust him, know that he would always be there for me. He proposed to me in Feb 2008, sold his house and moved in with me and my children (ages 14-20) just before Xmas. He had started new role in his job May 08, which was not working out well and was v.stressful, lots of problems. It was all very tiring and manic moving in at Xmas, couldn't unpack properly as had family staying etc. Basically a lot going on in first few months, too many things to say now, then his Dad unexpectedly died up in Scotland in March. Month after that was when he started acting out of character, very critical of my kids who he'd always got on with before, snappy with his kids when they stayed, wouldn't go on holiday, wanted to be alone alot, obsessive about exercise and music, no interest or energy for anything else, lossed lots of weight etc. etc. I'm sure you know the symptons. He knew he wasn't behaving right, but would not see a doctor or councillor. We struggled on until June, when he suddenly shut down on me completely, distanced himself from me and moved out again in July and went to live in a rented house.

 I thought I would still be seeing him but after a week I'd heard nothing from him, so I asked if I could meet him. He insisted he wanted a month's break, which I gave him, in fact it was 6 wks in the end. Then I said we should talk again, he seemed slightly better, he told me that he loved me and that he hadn't intended to end our relationship and that his problems were not anything to do with us and he agreed that our relationship had always been good, but he still insisted that he cannot cope with anything other than work and his own kids and the odd drink with couple of friends. I find it impossible to understand how he can say he loves me, and doesn't want us to end and yet doesn't want to spend any time with me.

I insisted that we either end it or he allows me to phone him and see him occasionally as a friend, whilst still giving him plenty of space. He couldn't seem to end it and agreed to me having some contact. I don't know quite how to play it, although I intend it to be gently, gently, but I have doubts as to whether I am doing the right thing. It may be sole destroying for me if he always makes excuses not to see me, when I try to arrange it. At the moment this is where we are, and as you all say he seems to manage perfectly well in his little world that he has created and can talk to people at work etc. but for some reason cannot cope with me even though I wasn't even the cause of his depression.

It is hard to give a quick resume of all that happened, but I hope that this has given you some idea and any replies and help would be much appreciated. It is just so good to know that there are other people who understand how I am feeling at the moment.

Thank you

This all doesn't make sense does it, the push/pull, but that is depression. I have been going through this and have learned a lot, from my boyfriend who is going through untreated depression. He has been struggling with depression well before we met, and sees me as someone very special for trying to understand.

So if this is something you have the patience for, the best thing you can do is respect any space he needs. It sounds like he got hit with way too much all at once and is having a meltdown. Tell him how much he means to you, that you will respect his space in order for him to get himself together and that you will always be there.

Let him come to you when he is ready. It will seem like an eternity, I have seen my boyfriend only a handful of times in the 9 months of his depressive episode.

This is not easy. Don't even try to rationalize why he would seem okay in his own little world while shutting you out when nothing was really wrong with the relationship. But he is not okay inside. He can fake it and maybe take his mind off things at work, kind of like a distraction. But the pressure of 'being there' emotionally/physically for someone is way too much to handle when they have to take care of themselves.

I am learning as I go and have made a lot of mistakes, but by love, understanding and patience, I am breaking down walls. Hopefully things will improve, and the main thing is to try not to let this destroy you. Focus on other aspects of your life until things with the relationship become more clear. I am just learning to do this, as overanylzing things just drove me crazy!

Amanada - having sent a lengthy post reply I finally clicked that I could mail you instead - have sent an email for you to pick up.

K - I have so much to say to your post. I checked my email but have not received anything. I will for sure respond to you tonight. Amanda

K and Amanda,

I have read your posts and wept.  I too care very much about someone and he has completely shut me out.  Like one minute we had a long weekend together and now he hasn't spoken to me in 4 months.  Before that it went for a year.  He seems to contact me at the bleakest times and then drops into oblivion again.  I want to give up.

He contacted someone in a circle of friends and apologized to them for his long absence and was in another friend's wedding but he can't let me know how he's doing?  Yet, I know it is depression.  He has admitted it.  Stayed with me for two weeks and we stayed up nights talking about it.  He got on meds through clinical trial but not a doctor and doesn't see a therapist.

I feel the same in the sense that he has discarded me like trash and not given me a second thought.

I have suffered from depression as well but I didn't shut people out so it is very hard for me to understand.  Now I am left with: "Is he still depressed or has he moved on and now I'm just not someone he cares to talk to?"  Maybe he just used me.

I am in counseling right now and that helps to a point.  I still have this hope I will hear from him.  It hurts though knowing it will never happen and never really knowing if I did something to make him feel as if he had to withdraw from me.

Just thought I would share a little and let you know your posts have let me know I am not alone.

Hi K, Amanda and Lynn,

I've just seen your posts and can tell you that I am going through very similar emotions...  my boyfriend is also suffering from depression and anxiety.  We haven't been seeing each other for long but I have really felt that I have found someone special..someone that I believe is in love with me just as I am with him.  I'' spare you the details but suffice to say that I thought I'd hit the jackpot..but not in an infatuation, losing my head way...i had both feet on the ground and knew how he was treating me was genuine and good for me,.

However in the last few weeks he has had problems at work that have triggered his stress and depression.  He is now on anti depressants and seeing a counsellor.   Whilst we some limited communication at first, i was admittedly getting impatient and my efforts at trying to cheer him up and to engage in talk about us just ended up backfiring.  He pretty much told me he can't cope with the relationship right now as he has so much going on and is basically having a meltdown.

I took it completely personally, thinking I was an idiot to think that he was in love with me...  but of course those emotion filled texts didnt get a response. 

After sending him a message to say that I am here for him and that I will in essence "wait for him", he did reply and thanked me for the message... 

so I felt better, right?   well, thats untill you dont hear anything again for another 2 weeks..  its killing me...  I dont know about you guys but the constant analysing of everything, looking up stuff on the internet on depression etc...its tiring and emotionally exhausting.   then i tell myself to stop tiring myself, distract myself with other things, to ENJOY the weekend and to be PATIENT...well thats easier said than done isn't it.   I can do it in small bursts but then my heart sinks again.

I have tried to send the odd nice text every 4 or 5 days just to remind him i'm here but then the minute I send it I wonder if I;m just being foolish and a walkover.  

I completely sympathise with everybodys stories and hope that each of us gets a little comfort from knowing that they're not alone.

any thoughts that you'd like to share on the above would be good to hear them...      

I hear you.  I want to give up but then again I don't.  I've been told to stay busy and enjoy life and if and when he wants to talk to me he will.  I agree, it is easier said than done.  It's like you are left twisting in the wind with no solid answer. 

The last I heard from him is that he is staying with his parents for a bit and switched to new meds that as he said "I feel like myself again, I tweaked my meds and it is like a flip was switched and it was that quick".  Then in my mind I am thinking if he feels so great then why isn't he talking to me.  Maybe he's well and only needs me when life is bad?  I opened my heart to this individual and I feel such a loss.  I keep going day by day and try to do everything to be good to me.  But that niggling feeling of what have I done wrong? is still there.  I know it's not me realistically but there is still that small, scared voice that wonders in a small way if it is.

All I can say is I am glad there are other people out there that have experienced this (well I'm not glad for their grief) and I am not crazy.  I hope to hear that things have worked for people and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It was must really tough now that your boyfriend apparently "feels like himself again"..how often are you trying to communicate at the moment?

The thing with my situation which makes it even worse is that its a long distance relationship...i know I must be mad but I just know that I've got to hang in there for a while..I just can't walk away.  The thing we need to remind ourselves is that a lot of people would run like the wind when something like this happens..are they smarter than us?...I dont think so, its just that we have a lot to give to the right person and we are choosing to be selfless for someone we believe in.

I know exactly what you mean about that niggling feeling though, its pretty scary..but we should remember that if the person has indeed moved on and not bothered to tell us that they're feelings have changed, then they're probably not the right person for us... still, it doesnt make the waiting, or anything else for that matter, any easier!

I wanted to ask you whether your partner shut down gradually or more or less over night?   Mine was pretty quick...over about 2 weeks he went from very little communciation to practically zero..  he even took me off facebook..i know its a silly thing but it kills when that happens to you - but since that happened i got a reply when I text him to say I'm here for him so hopefully it was just due to a particularly low day that he decided to do that.    

I have some regrets about how I handled the whole thing from the start - as soon as he told me about the big problem at work and his tone was extremely down and anxious he started to withdraw day by day....and instead of remaining calm and rational, i started trying to force the communication...sending messages etc.  that was what probably pushed him to write to me saying he couldnt cope, didnt feel he could meet the demands of the relationship and had to get better.  he also mentioned that he does sut down when he "gets like this" and I know he has suffered from periods of depression before.  I've given him space now and told him I'll be here for him (which he responded to) but am praying its not too late.

Hi Sara,

We had spent alot of time together and then I went on a trip to see him.  I left and that is when communication ended.  He texted me and said he had been in bed for 4 days and his thinking was fuzzy.  He had talked about that before and that he doesn't talk much to anyone.  It just hurts.  I hear from him every now and then.  He isn't working just now.

I sent a text to wish him a Happy 4th but that will be it for awhile.  I may try again in a month or two. 

Your response was normal to try and get him to talk.  When you care about someone, you want them to be able to talk.  I'm seeing with depression, people are afraid to talk.

I forgot to mention that the last day I saw him he had been put on citalopram.  I don't know what mg.

Hi Lori,

As the original poster, I am at once comforted and stunned to read all of the stories that have been shared here by people who have gone through the same experience of having a partner descend into the depths of an unrelenting depression.  The rejection and withdrawal seem so personal and unique to those of us who suffer from their effects, and yet as the string of posts make clear here, they are in fact quite typical.  Even though I had experienced the effects of my (ex) partner's depressive episodes more than a half-dozen times in 9 years, each time they took me by surprise and I found myself in a state of all-consuming panic, fear, pain, and sadness.  The onset, as you have experienced, is incredibly sudden.  The person we love is here one day, gone the next.  I would always tell myself "You've been through this before with him, he'll be back" and yet there was always the fear that this time would be different, and of course I pointlessly worried "What did I do or say, or not do or say, to cause this?"  When he did come around, he always swore that it wouldn't happen again, that he had learned something and didn't want to lose me, and I would always be so relieved & happy to have him back that I wouldn't push the issue of therapy & medicine.  I realize now that those two things are what he needs more than anything in order to be a healthy, functioning adult, but I don't blame myself for not pushing the issue.  I have learned that an adult cannot control or change another adult.  Even a depressed adult, one whose illness leads them to behave in destructive ways, must ultimately make his/her own decision to get better.  If your partner acknowledges his illness and is seeking treatment, he is doing the best thing he can for himself.  He can't do it for you, and you can't ask him to.  And if he says he needs to be alone, at least he is being honest and open with you to the extent that he can.  In January when I first wrote the post, my partner just disappeared from my life as if in mid-conversation, would not initiate or return any communication, no matter how many times I called or emailed or texted.  Even though looking back I could see in December he was slipping into depression, he has never confirmed for me what was going on in him and I was left to guess.  Here I am, 6 months later, still guessing, but at last having moved on.  We had been together 9 years, and we were engaged, so as you can imagine it has taken many, many, many moments of crying, being angry, thinking, talking to others, reading, and meditating for me to be able to say to you now "I'm OK."  I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that 9 years just ... disappeared without a single word, without anything.  And yet there's a degree of objectivity now that allows me to see the forces of depression that were always at work in him, and thus were always at work in our relationship.  The fact that he never entered therapy or took medicine (my own therapist is quite certain my ex-partner is bipolar) only made things worse. 

As you know, depression is a pernicious illness that affects more people than just the one who is depressed.  I look back and see how much time and energy and emotion it sucked out of me.  I loved my partner with everything I was, and for 9 years I hung in there and accommodated and justified and made excuses even when it meant my own life was thrown into emotional chaos and I lived on eggshells.  You ask what you should do in the meantime while your partner needs time apart, and all I can encourage you to do is to live your own life, filling it with people and experiences that bring you joy.  As I finally learned this year with my partner, there are no guarantees of anything ... and the only thing you can ever control in this world is your own life.  What your partner does or does not do has to become secondary to your own emotional well-being.  You mustn't hang your happiness on his return, although of course you hope that he will come back.  What I've learned from others with depressed partners is that the roller-coaster never becomes an even road ... life itself is unpredictable, but the sickness of depression exacerbates that unpredictability.  It's natural in a relationship to want to support our partners and be there for them, even when depression isn't a factor.  But when it is, our support and presence for that person can become very draining in our own lives, which leaves us with few reserves to call on when we need them for ourselves.  Focus on YOUR life, not his.  Focus on YOUR well-being, rather than his illness.  I say this with complete compassion for the pain and panic you are experiencing.  I know them intimately.  By focusing on your life and well-being, you will be better able to communicate about and deal with his illness in your relationship if/when he comes back into your daily life.  And if he does not come back into your daily life, you will have the emotional strength, confidence, self-knowledge and physical health to live a healthy life.     

Thank you so much for your response.  It took me several times to finish reading it.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  I don't know what is going to happen.   I feel completely helpless but realize he is doing what he needs for himself.  I hope he is staying in contact with his therapist and I hope someone is watching over him.  I just wish he would let it be me.  I am the type of person who needs closeness of others, especially my significant other - this is ripping me apart.  But then I think of what he must be experiencing and it makes me feel selfish for the feelings I am experiencing.  I thank God right now I have such a caring family.  They are keeping me "busy" and watching over my state of mind.  This is just all so baffling to me.  I keep thinking it cannot be true.  It's a bad dream and I am going to wake up and he will be there - be himself.  Once again, I give you a truly heartfelt thank you.  It's funny how words from a complete stranger can be so helpful and comforting.

I am glad that what I had to say could provide some measure of comfort.  For me, your words could have been mine 6 months ago.  "Baffling" captures the surreal experience of being in love with someone whose sickness suddenly and without warning changes them into an unrecognizable person.  When I was scouring the internet for information & dialogue with others in my position, I noticed how frequently the term "Jekyll and Hyde" is used to describe people with depression.  I wish I could tell you that everything with your partner will return to normal.  My 9 years taught me that any return to a "normal" state is never permanent; depression becomes like a third person in the relationship whose primary effect is pain & heartache, and that person is always lurking.  If my partner had been open to therapy and medication, perhaps his depression could have been dealt with in a way that would have allowed us to maintain stability in the relationship.  I don't know.  But after hanging in and hanging on for so long, and even though I realized that he has a real sickness, I realized that my own health and happiness could not be held hostage any longer by the unpredictability of his depression.  Just because I did not have depression did not mean that I had to deal with the painful effects of his, especially when he was unwilling to get professional help that could ameliorate those effects.  I know he has a real illness, but I realized that my willingness to feel sad, scared, hurt, and rejected for an undetermined period of time every year or so could no longer be a condition of our relationship.  It's been 6 months since he had any contact with me and my daughter (for whom he had been a father-figure since she was a baby - she's now 10) and even though I made the decision in February to not hold on and wait anymore, to stop calling, emailing, etc., I have a moment every single day when I think "My God! How can this be? How could he just drop all communication with me, the love of his life for 9 years? What happened?!"  I'm still sometimes searching for a logical answer when there is none.  One of my closest friends said to me "Jenn, there are some things in life that defy all logic and that our minds will never be able to understand.  You just have to put that on a shelf and move on."  I know that the disease of depression defies logic.  It defies logic that my partner of nearly a decade could just allow me and our life together to evaporate without a single word of explanation from his life.  And -- this is the most important thing I have learned in these last months -- I also know that, as an adult, my ex-partner has a responsibility to take charge of his own health and to take responsibility for his relationships EVEN THOUGH he has depression.  Therapy and medication are key with a willingness to learn how to manage the depression so that it does not decimate precious connections with other people.  It is simply not OK to suddenly withdraw from someone, to shut them out.  I know your partner has asked you to wait and be there for him, and it is clear that you are a loving, compassionate person who has a clear sense of the inner turmoil your partner is experiencing, but I caution you about "waiting."  Remember that you are a vibrant, healthy human being with so much to offer the world, and this is your one and only life. You want to wait (I always did, for the same reasons you do -- because of love, a desire to have that connection again) but is that ultimately fair to your life and all of its possibilities?  All we ever have is this moment, the here and now.  Waiting for the possibility (not at all guaranteed) of future happiness can often blind us to the possibilities for happiness RIGHT NOW.  I know this is a fine line to walk when we're talking about loving someone with depression.  We don't want to abandon the person, even when they seem to have abandoned us.  We are so aware that they are "not themselves" so it's easy to want to wait for their "real selves" to return.  My own experience has shown me that we end up downplaying or denying the validity of our own sadness, pain, fear and rejection with that explanation.  Please do not think that you are selfish for your feelings right now.  Feelings are NOT right or wrong.  Feelings just ARE.  And your feelings here are completely reasonable given the situation.  Ultimately, I can only say to you what many people in my life repeated to me when I was going through all of that sadness and pain and the fearful waiting.  You are the only one who can tell you when you have waited long enough, when the sadness and pain have reached their limit in you.  Only you know what you are willing and able to put up with.  Please feel free to share more or ask questions.  As I said before, I have enormous compassion for you because I know so well what you are feeling right now.  I'm glad you have a supportive family (I do too) and I hope you find genuine joy and light in your life with them.