Monday, May 24, 2010 kuteknish asks

Q: Is he depressed and still grieving or is he just not into me anymore?

I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now and it has been spectacular. We have so much in common, get along so great, are very comfortable with eachother and spend nearly every day with eachother. From the outside & the inside, I feel we are a perfect match and can grow together.... We had been seeing each other around town for about 8 months prior to meeting and had crushes on eachother without even knowing eachother... The one current challenge that I am facing is not being sure if he is depressed or losing interest... Here is a little background: On Easter 2009, his father passed away in his sleep. No warning, no medical issues, nothing - just passed in his sleep. I met him in September 2009. Since we met and had our first date, we have been inseparable and comfort has grown immensely. Well May 2010, after one year anniversary, him and his family went to spread his father's ashes and I think it re-opened a wound that had healed a little bit. Since this, he has become very distant, and closed. He has never been extremely affectionate.. I was always the pursuer of affection & sexual stuff, but it has gotten worse in the past month. He doesn't open up at all, I tell him I am here for him, but he never says a thing.. we share so many other things, but nothing about his father & how he feels, or felt or the future... With my own insecurities, it's leaving me feeling doubtful about myself and the relationship, but at the same time, I have so much faith that we have a bond and he is just really having a hard time. I want to back off because i'm not getting my needs fulfilled, but at the same time, he is incapable because he is so unhappy and still apparently grieiving... I just need some suggestions or opinions, or just statements from anyone who can relate. Do I back off from my insecurities and just be there for him? Do I compromise my needs in hopes that things will get better and he will feel better? I've suggested he gets help and he says he's not ready. Please help! thanks!

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Answers (2)

John Folk-Williams, Health Guide

5/25/10 2:48am

Hi -

Grieving takes time, especially if the full emotional reaction doesn't hit until well after the event. An anniversary is definitely an occasion for re-immersion in mourning, and depression is often part of that. Both grief and depression are very isolating since the emotional working out is an intensely private matter. If your boyfriend has never been so overtly affectionate anyway, it's not surprising that he would be much more withdrawn at this time. It seems he's been behaving this way for about 6 weeks or so (?). Since things were going so well prior to this, I can understand your frustration at being locked out of his feelings just now, but it's hard to make a final judgment on what this means.

It's great you've been happy together until this change, but it also takes time to see all sides of another person. Your seeing one now that doesn't fit the perfect match idea. But relationships are never perfect, and each partner has to adapt to the other in many ways. Has your boyfriend had depression in the past, before his father's death? If so, this is possibly something that will keep on recurring. Whether caused by grief or not, depression produces exactly this sort of change in personality and relationships. So many partners of depressed people write about the baffling change causing a complete break and quite often a refusal to communicate. Refusing treatment is a common problem, and it doesn't work, since depression is not something that can easily be undone without support. Yet men in particular can be full of denial and insist they can handle it when they really can't.

I would give him a bit more time to work this through. If it's strictly a grieving process, the depression would likely lift as he deals with the full emotional impact of the loss. If it's a more chronic problem in his life, it will very likely return periodically on its own - independent of grief - especially if he keeps refusing to commit to treatment and recovery.

By all means, assure him of your support. But remember that you're still learning about him and he about you. You know what your limits are on being shut out, and you should let him know what you can live with and what you can't. It doesn't help him for you to be silent about how his behavior affects you.

I hope this works out well for the both of you.

John

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/25/10 6:22pm

Hi there

I wrote an article you may want to read called, "Is my partner depressed or just not that into me?"

I have to tell you the truth that...your boyfriend is giving a lot of red flags. I have cut and pasted your question here so I can point them out to you.

1. "I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now..."

In the scheme of things this is really not a long time. May we ask how old you and your boyfriend are? Are you in high school? College? Or are you a young adult?

2. " From the outside & the inside, I feel we are a perfect match and can grow together."

Here is the thing...there is no such thing as the perfect match. There will always be compromises and obstacles. You may be setting yourself up for great dissapointment to describe this as a perfect match.

3. "Since this, he has become very distant, and closed."

So what could have been a bonding moment and a way to become closer has not. Are you absolutely sure that this distance is caused by grief?

4. "He has never been extremely affectionate.. I was always the pursuer of affection & sexual stuff, but it has gotten worse in the past month. He doesn't open up at all, I tell him I am here for him, but he never says a thing.."

You need to read this part of your post again...he has never been extremely affectionate. This is a red flag warning that he is not going to be able to give you what you need. And especially this part about your pursuing...you give...and he does nothing. Does not sound like the perfect match to me.

5. "we share so many other things, but nothing about his father & how he feels, or felt or the future."

Can you tell us the good things...the things you do share...what makes the good times good? It may be understandable that he doesn't wish to open up about his father. That may be a closed topic for now. But never talking about the future as in...a future with you....big red flag.

6. With my own insecurities, it's leaving me feeling doubtful about myself and the relationship, but at the same time, I have so much faith that we have a bond and he is just really having a hard time.

You say you are insecure but...he is giving you tons of reasons to feel this way! From what you have written thus far...I am not seeing this bond. I am seeing you giving and he is not giving anything back. The bond is something you are wishing for.

7. I want to back off because i'm not getting my needs fulfilled, but at the same time, he is incapable because he is so unhappy and still apparently grieiving...

Again...read this back to yourself. You are NOT getting your needs met. This relationship is onesided. And you have conveniently given him a reason for his distance which may or may not be true. You do not know for a fact that he is incapable.

"I just need some suggestions or opinions, or just statements from anyone who can relate. Do I back off from my insecurities and just be there for him? Do I compromise my needs in hopes that things will get better and he will feel better? I've suggested he gets help and he says he's not ready. Please help! thanks!"

Okay again...he is saying he is not ready. I think he is not ready for a lot of things including a relationship.

This is my advice and that is to allow him to get himself together but I would not wait around doing nothing. Do things you want to do. Go out with friends. Have fun. But I would not put your life on hold. He may be grieving but if he wants you there...he is going to say so and show it.

Hope things work out for you. Remember that this is your life too. If you think it is your mission to save this guy...not going to happen. He has to heal in his own time.

Let us know what happens.

Q: Is he depressed and still grieving or is he just not into me anymore?

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