So this hard to get out the way its happened but I need help so here goes..Back in August of 2010 I had a massive life changing event. My wife left me with my son, I quit my job, quit smoking marijuana, my brother disowned me, quit drinking 15 red bulls a day, my whole world came crashing down, everything I thought about me, you and life in general has been thrown up in the air. I went to a website called bipolarorwakingup and found alot of things that I conected because i had no idea what was going on. I became obsessed with getting smarter, knowledge and thought itself. I read the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and the means in which Robert Pirsig decribed things, Ive pondered being schizophrenic. It was a "manic" episode that I came up with, a touch of depersonalization, mixed with being narsassitic traits... About 90% of what he talked about happened to me. I've been in and out of AA for 6 years, finding it not very useful because I dont connect with anybody anymore. For the past six months, I have been absolutely lost. I cant reconnect with my own thoughts, I'm talking to myself all the time, I feel like a mental case. The only thing going through my head is me explaining to imaginary people why I have to kill myself, and I cant stop it, its like my mind has its own mind, and that one has one too. I dont see any form of light at any form of tunnel, and death seems the only way out of this. I went to psych ward x-mas day because I was so crazy, I dont have healthcare, and the treatment I got was that of a t-shirt being passed through a screen press, just in and out, and then got hit with a bill for $11,230.00!! I'm already $40,000.00 in debt with 3 felonies and no way of getting a job. Driving a car has become almost dangerous for me to do, because its as if I'm invisible, going out in public is not a question, cant do it, I start laughing hysterically for no reason. I have no real thoughts, I'm 100% not the same person, even writing this is scarey... I dont wanna die, but I see no end, I cant get help for a problem that I cant fully describe. Its as if I'm just alive, no identity, no feelings, its just pure nothingness. The world is completely foriegn to me now. Its got to stop, but I have no idea what to do...Everything Ive done in my life has been run through a filter and Ive come up with nothing but, get a gun and make it all go away. I have no memory on how to be a person anymore. As I've been writing theres been about 20-30 visual memorys of past events, moments in time in my life, they just pop into my head, I cant control my own my MIND!!!! The fact that I'm here, at my parents, at 27 after living an amazing life, writing all this stuff on a friday night makes me wanna die even more, just felt that!
Q: I'm absolutely brain dead and need help now.
SimpleGuy -
Call one of these numbers now to help get your bearings: 800.273.8255 or 800.784.2433. Then I would go straight to the county health center, hopefully with a mental health unit that would be less crowded. They could give you medication that wouldn't break you financially any more than you are already. (Didn't they give you some kind of medication at the psych ward?) Generics should be affordable if you don't meet low income guidelines, though it sounds like you do at this point if you can't work. Or any physician could prescribe emergency meds.
Meds are good for the kinds of crisis you're having. They at least take the edge off such severe symptoms. Money sounds like a terrible problem - but it's your life you're talking about.
Please get some kind of help. Things will look different if you can stabilize with some meds.
John
Hi, there - I am so sorry that you're going through such a horrific time. Please don't hurt yourself, there are some things you can do. Here is a sharepost by Merely Me that contains crisis numbers you can call if you're feeling suicidal, which it sounds like you are. Even if you have no money, you should be able to get help. Do you live in the U.S.? Have you tried your county's mental health services?
In the meantime, you can write here whenever you feel like it. Although this isn't a 24-hour manned site, someone will eventually be reading posts and questions and may be able to help.
It's hard for someone who doesn't know you to speculate as to what's going on, but I would guess that you need some help from a professional and not just a stay in the hospital and then left to fend for yourself. We also have a Bipolar site that you might find helpful.
I hope you are safe for now and reach out to your family or friends, if you can - someone who can be supportive and maybe help you find the resources you need. Let us know if we can help in any other way and I hope you'll write in again and let us know you're okay. We don't want you to end your life because you CAN get through this with help. I'm sorry I don't have any quick answers for you, but hope you can find something useful in the links I've given you. Please take care.
I cant say much to help other then to tell you that you are not alone. my father is 55 has 5 kids was a captain in the fire dept married twice my mom and his other 3 kids mom. well he was just arrested for meth position and is back in rehab. thank god because until now he didnt believe he was bipolar and skitzo . he is now able to get help. my father has lost it all almost. lives with his parent 2nd wife left him, forced to retire from the fire dept. all i can say is i wish you luck and that i hope you and he can find peace as i have watched him go in and out of psych hospitals but there isnt a day that goes by that i dont love him and want him happy . remember you do have a son and he needs you (crazy or not - insert smile here) do your best to reach out for help. best wishes and please take care
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Just went to the store to rent 2 movies, had my 102 panic attack. I'm checkin out, thanks for your help.