Sorry for the long post, Things are desperate for me right now. Things have been real bad for such a long time I'm loosing the strength that has always kept me going. 7 years ago I was diag. with a rare incurable disease, It has progressed and I take pain medication daily just to get myself out of bed and go to work, then at night to be able to be with my girls. Then 4 years ago My oldest at 11 was diag. with Juvenile Rhumitoid Arthritis, and spends about 30% of her time in pain. (As a parent there is nothing worse than not being able to make your kids OK.
Then things got worse 1 1/2 years ago. Mother nature took down several trees at my house costing $1000.00's to clean up, I had to have back surgery costing more, They found cancer cells and I had to have a hysterectomy, in Aug. my father passed away, just this month I backed into a tree, then 3 weeks latter somebody ran into my car on the other side. The medical bills and misc cost of life is just sucking the life right out of me.
I refused to believe my father couldn't beet the Leukemia he had and never took my chance at sitting down with him and telling him that I did love him. (We were never close but he was a good father) I regret this decision everyday. My brothers all live in other towns and states, so that leaves me to be moms strength, and do do things her health wont allow her to do such as mowing her lawn, fixing things that break around her house, and being an ear that listens and a shoulder to cry on.
I resent my brothers because they got to leave and go back to their lives and I'm here holding the pieces together for mom, and my 3 girls.
I've been in counseling before and never got much out of it, I wanted some one to teach me skills to use or help me see the options I had, and they wanted me to figure it out on my own. I think about dying everyday and the ways I could make it happen, but then i think who would be here for mom or who would take care of the girls, and I'm able to convince myself to give it another day. But how long can my Girls be my life line? I'm afraid someday they wont be enough. Where is the strenght going to come from to keep fighting. I desperatly want to give up.
Q: What should I do?
Hello
What to say? You have so much on your plate...a totally unfathomable amount of hardship and heartache. Sometimes life just steam rolls you. I am so sorry you have had all these things happen in such a short time.
I am glad you are here. I am glad you are finding a reason to keep on with things and this reason is love. You love your family. Sometimes this is all we have to keep going. But I also want you to keep some hope. There is always hope no matter how bad things are.
When things are really bad for me in my life...with multiple things going on...what I like to do is picture myself with horse blinders on. I need to pick and choose what is the priority for right now...and choose to put the other things into my blind spot.
What things can you change? What things are just not under your control? Let go of the things you cannot control for now.
Make a list if you have to. Make things concrete. It helps to see things visually.
I would say that you are in survival mode right now. What things do you absolutely need to do...to get through the day? Be kind to yourself and only do those things which are necessary for now. Conserve your energy and then you can tackle other issues when you feel stronger.
You are worthy. You are needed. There is a reason for you being here. Take things minute by minute if you have to. Just stick around.
Please let us know how you are doing okay? My thoughts are with you.
Hi sewoodford,
A counselor should be able to help you with what you want to accomplish. A counselor is there for you and should not be trying to control the situation. If your not happy with one there's plenty out there. Have you tried talking to your brothers about the situation.
It might help to open up to one.
Pat
sewoodford, i wonder if it would help to talk to a person about these things over the phone. It seems you have no one to talk to, and release some of this pain.
There have been numbers given on this site where people have called and have received help of some kind and it doesn't cost anything and it is anonymous. I'm not saying you will be helped, I'm saying you might, because people have said they have been helped.
It may not make things go away, just maybe better, more clear, possibly a way through this.
You've taken a step by writing here, there is no harm in taking one more and at least, calling the numbers, several times if necessary.
These are hotlines which are staffed with trained people, they cannot solve all problems but they have talked to other people like us. It's worth a try.
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
1800-784-2433
1800-799-4889
I agree with Pat, don't give up on finding a therapist or counselor, or even clergy for help. Contact you county social workers or agency on aging if you need help with taking care of your mom. There may resources to make this easier and give you a break.
If it gets really bad and you feel you want to give up, please call those numbers. You've written here, you can do that. You can keep writing here too, we want to know how you doing.
I understand where you are coming from completely. I am the caregiver for my elderly Mom who has a major heart condition and Alzheimer's Disease. One month ago I checked myself into the hospital psychiatric unit because I wanted to end everything. I have been in counseling on a outpatient basis for one month. I am still depressed but able to cope with no sucidal thoughts. I was physically and emotionally just worrn out plus my own health I had neglected and I had to get back on track. I also have 3 siblings that won't give much. Talk with your brothers and accept what they feel they can offer you. It is never going to be equal and you need to accept that fact. My brother was in denial for a long time about Mom and also one sister. The other sister doesn't feel I should ask her to help in anyway rather just let her volunteer when she wants. I came home from the hospital (Mom lives with me) everyone was there and stayed for dinner then one by one left because I was back. Did anything change....no but I am rested and can cope better now. Having someone to talk to about my situation and problems that arise does help. Give your brothers a change but realize they may or may not give much and accept it and do all you can for your Mom. You won't have any regrets.
Genny
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