Monday, December 28, 2009 mkinser01 asks

Q: Is there hope in a relationship with a depressed man who want to be "alone"

I have been in a relationship the love of my life for almost a year now. (jan 1st) and he has been slipping into a episode of depression for the last month. We are both in our early twenties.

His mom sat me down a few months ago & told me on his dads side of the family they have a history of depression & suicide as far back as they can remember. His dad committed suicide christmas eve a few months before he was born. She said as much as she has tried to shield him from this he has a chemical imbalance, mood swings & depression. I had yet to see how bad!

It started with job and not being able to Finnish college (for now) because of it. He moved back in with his parents & got a new job.The pay isn't that good & he kept telling me how bored he is. He's very intelligent & his mind isn't being challenged at his job. He's a park ranger. He's made steps to become a State Trooper & has his interview at the end of Jan. I know he has felt "stuck" for a while.

He started by trying to keep his mind busy by learning a new language, re-building a motorcycle & a car.

I started to notice about a month ago his total lose of interest in work. Then came his projects, sex, friends, family and last me. He has been trying to do what he has to appear okay. I know when he's faking it. We have good days & bad ones where his eyes look empty. He only seems to forget all his problems when he's drunk & around a large group of people, but when were alone he withdraws again. He said he just feels like being alone.

last sunday we were working on his bike together & he got frustrated & decided he just wanted to go lay down with me. so we spent the night holding each other & he expressed how nice is was to just lay in the quiet.

The next night we went drinking with some of his friends & started talking about our recent intimacy issues. I said we have been running rather cold lately & he said "I know & it's my fault. I've been trying to think of a way to apologize to you. I know everything that's been going on is effecting our relationship."

The very next day he sits me down to say "Is it terrible of me to say I want a less of an intimate relationship with you? Things just havent felt the same... at least for me & I don't think you can be my friend." I just feel like being alone & I can easily shut everyone out but you, I spend most of my time with you. but I don't ever want to not know you."

I respond with "I feel sad for you, your missing out on so many happy moments everyday & you have made steps to move forward with your life your just waiting for the world to catch up with you. I just want to know what's going on with you."

He says "Your taking this better than I thought & you would probably know better than me what's going on with me..... I just need to be alone."

I got mad & turned this around on myself & said

"I could do everything right & nothing would be good enough for you."

He then got pissed & said "Your turning this into something it's NOT."

We said nothing else as I left..........???????

I sould also mention we have a trip to Ireland planned for march & said he still wants to go with me but understands if I hate him & don't want to go. He said the ball is in my court with all of this. We haven't spoken in 5 days.

So my question is what do I do & is there even hope for our relationship? His fire is just gone with everything & I don't know where go from here or how to help him. He's a psych major & refuses to take meds of any kind even Advil. I'm going to speak to his mom tomorrow & get her insight on everything. Can a depressed man regain his feeling of love after a bout of depression?

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Answers (4)

Judy

12/28/09 6:59pm

I would agree with Donna on this - you could offer to go with him to see a psychiatrist, or if he would even agree to see a therapist, it would be better than nothing, you could at least talk through some things.

You should be careful to take care of yourself, don't stop living while waiting for him to "come around" because you don't want to be dragged down into it with him. I understand your wanting to stick it out with him and only you will know how much you can tolerate. I think you're probably right about his mother seeing things more negatively because of what she's experienced, but there is some truth to it. Just be careful, you deserve consideration and respect from him. Depression isn't a good excuse for treating someone badly. I wish you the best and hope you feel free to write here again if it helps. Take care.

Tracey

12/28/09 7:44am

Hello, WOW it seems we are going thru a very similar situation, I met my man on new years eve and after nearly a year of blissful happiness he just left me - out of the blue...well - he was saying for a couple of weeks he was under pressure at work and his head was all over the place and o a night out with his cousin he text me saying he wasn't coming back...that was 3 weeks ago, i get the occasional text saying how much he loves me but doesn't know what he wants right now (hes trying to blot out a family trauma he went thru as a small child - but tells me no more) it happened at this time of the year and his mother attempts suicide at this holiday season. He just locks himself away at his house and wants the holiday period to be over and hopefully start seeing me again.

After reading about depression on here it rings true with everything hes going thru, wanting to be alone - self loathing - you deserve better kind of talk - I love you but I'm not right in the head right now...

I have just emailed him and said i know his problem and together we can get help, he has yet to reply, but this is the first time i have been brave enough to say he has depression.

I am sorry i do not know the answer to your question as i too am trying to find the answers, but I'm here if you need a friendly ear, perhaps we may help each other get thru this awful awful time. xxxxxx

mkinser01

12/28/09 4:06pm

I read alot of stories on here that are very similar to mine & it's sad for everyone involved. Just being able to talk about it & know I'm not alone helps me as I'm sure it helps you. So I'll be here for you because I know no one else can understand what I'm suffering through like you do.

I went & had a chat with his mom today & she told me she would never wish upon me what she went through with his dad. So I should get out now. It's not my fault & he loves me but I can't do anything to change the way he feels. Only he can help himself so I should do whats right for me & move on & if he ever comes back to not take him back because it will only cause me more pain & heartbreak the longer I stay with him.

I know what she says comes from a place of pain because the love of her life killed himself & her son is so much like his dad that she can only see the bad in my situation. I can see it to but I already gave my heart to him & the only option I have is to hope this will get better. I would stay by his side if her were physically sick & mentally it should be no different.

I know right now he doesn't want me or care for me the way he did & I'm hoping it's the depression talking. I second guess myself all the time & my plan of action changes every minute. It's very hard for me because he lives less than a mile from me & drives past my house every day to go to work. It takes everything in me to not go see him. If I push he's just going to pull away from me even more. Like you I'm scared to say flat out he is depressed in fear it will make everything worse. So please let me know what type of reaction you get from your guy.

Sometimes I wonder if he just stopped caring about me & took the easy way out of just telling me he doesn't love me anymore. Am I just a fool girl who can't tell the difference?

Tracey

12/29/09 4:40pm

Well...I bit the bullet yesterday and came right out and said it! (Well in a text to him) I was talking on here to another person in our situation and was most helpful, after talking to her i built up my confidence enough to say to him how I think he has depression and that's why he has shut me out, i explained to him I am not taking his silence personally (his ignoring me) ad knows he feels the need to shut himself away, not that he wants to but because he cant see anything but his own pain, i urged him to seek help and assured him i will be there for him, i told him how wonderful he is and to try and think positively, i told him I'm praying for him to find 'the light at the ed of the tunnel' and I'm here when he wants me...After not hearing from him within moments he replied - it was only (I say only - i was overjoyed!!!) a smiley face and a whole heap of kisses, but that has proved that i now understand what my poor darling is going thru and i will be with him every step of the way.

And best news of all today, he text me saying he loves me and wants to star seeing me in the new year!!!! I know next year is going to be tough on us both but now we have admitted he has a problem we can now do something about it - and hopefully when next winter comes along and he thinks about his childhood and the problems he had, he wont need to run away and leave me to be "sad alone" as he calls it...

My man has never said he doesn't love me, he just says he wants to be alone and hes not right in the head. All i want now if for my man to get better, I'm leaving him alone hey its nearly new year, but i do send brief texts to him to let him know how wonderful he is and keep things very up beat, i also make nice facebook updates for him, he does always check my page, he told me recently he wants to know I'm ok.

I do hope ive given you a little hope, its worked for me on here so far - wish id had sussed out it was depression a month ago when he left. Take care, let me know what you think? xxxxxx

mkinser01

12/29/09 8:48pm

You have indeed given my sad heavy heart a glimmer of hope! I'm very happy for you & can only hope my problems work out as well. All the texts make your heart leap with joy.... I know! It's very good he's being responsive to you. It makes me think all I can do is try & let him know I get that he's depressed & needs space & I'll still be here when he needs me. I think now that we're going through this we can see the signs that a depression is coming on in our guys & handle it better.

You made a good point he's never told me he doesn't love me either, just that he wants to be alone & feels different about everything in his life. It's been a week since he told me this & I have made no effort to contact him in fear it will make things worse, but if I don't do something soon I know I'll regret it. I knew his history with depression before this happened & trust me it's no easier. It just makes you feel helpless.

My plan of action now is to go over & collect some of my stuff from his place & make him take a walk with me. I know if I start talking it will turn into a fight so at the end of our walk I'm going to give him a letter he can read in his own time. Letting him know above all else he is my best friend & I understand he's having a rough time & that I'm not going to push. I need to show him I'm strong & he doesn't have to worry about me.... he should just let me worry about the both of us til he's able.

guiltyvintage

4/ 3/12 11:47am

I have been depressed twice in my life. i had no feelings, i was numb, i couldnt shake it. I did see a therapist and finally got throu it. But depression hurts everyone around you. About a year ago i met a realy nice guy, had no interest, we hung out a few times. He had just been out of a 3 yr relationship with a younger woman who he had planned to married. They started seeing eachother throu his divorce with his x wife of 15 yrs who cheated on him. During the time we hung out, we talked briefly about his x wife and girls he dated after the younger woman. I did not hear from him for a month. We connected again, he had just got into a fatal accident with a younger kid which they both picked up two younger girls at the bar. The girl on his bike (my guy) she went to the hospital with some injuries, he went to go see her. He was so upset cried for days didnt leave his house. A few months later he got a letter in the mail from the young girls lawyer wanting to sue him. This all happened over the holidays. Things started to get intense with us, but i had a feeling he still loved his young x fiance whos parents would dis own her if she married an older man that was divorced with 2 kids. So a few months went on, and i was only seeing him once a week and he would drink and tell me everything i wanted to hear. I was falling in love with him, he is an amazing man and i great father,and we are 4 years apart in age. I started to see myself with him. A few weeks ago, i noticed he was unresponsive, i felt like he didnt feel well. Every other day his x wife would give him hell. I believe he still had contact with his x fiance. The accident was on his mind. He only wanted to have sex with when hed be drinking. His plate started to get full. I told him he should go talk to someon. He has been, his 3rd appt is today. Over the weekend the police report came back to the young deceased mans family, the family pointed the finger to my guy, he text me, i ran to him and sat at the bar with him and i could feel his pain, i have fallen in love with a man that has not moved on from the past and has fallen into depression. As we were sitting at the bar i glanced at his phone, i saw he had contact with his x fiance (just brief texting) he didnt want to show me. I was so hurt and histarical, i wanted to go, i flipped out sort of speak. I told him I have been there for him and never to call me again. He said he was sorry for being honest. I was so pissed the next day, i told him where to go. He had called out of work as well, got the flu. I apologized and asked if he wanted to see me again. Of course he replied. He told me he needed time, and he had never felt this way before (depressed) He just wanted to be left alone. So the following day i went over to his house and brought him soup, made his bed and we watched a movie. He didnt look to well, sick with the flu, and depressed and kept talking about the texts hed recieve stateing he killed the kid on the motorcycle accident that past summer. I told him to stop looking at texts and to ignore them and talk to his lawyer. So not only is the girls family going to sue him, before now the kid who died. He was very distant. I think he was upset i did his laundry. He is a very indepentant guy. So i left gave him a hug, and no kiss because he didnt want me to get sick. Later on that day i told him he should maybe go into the hospital that i was worried about him. I have very strong feelings for this man and care about him so much and want him to be happy and feel the way i do when you fall in love. He eventually called me back and said not to worry, he just needs time and needs to get throu this and to just worry about myself. The hardest part of depression is being secluded, i try to understand, but i have these intense feelings of love for this man...so i have decided to just walk away, very difficult to do. I cannot be selfish. I am only hurting myself.....he needs time.He is not well. Depression is a disease, it is serious. I have thrown myself on him, cried my eyes out to him, but with depression, he has no feelings. Its not me. The greatest gift you could give someone is time. He will come around eventually. Maybe it wasnt the right time to fall in love with this man.The more and more i think of him, my heart soars like a hawk. It hurts.

Donna-1

12/28/09 2:04pm

Yes, I believe a man can regain his ability to feel love after a bout of depression. But what if it takes a long time to get there, and then he becomes depressed again. Especially if he will not take medication for it. Many people with depression will have recurring episodes throughout their lives.

I know you love him, but depression can be devastating both to the person who has it and to those around him. When I get depressed, I just want to lie in bed and turn my face to the wall. I especially want to avoid people, even those I love, because I lose the capacity to feel emotion and become numb to the world. And then I start thinking about suicide. I have to be very careful to take medication every day. If I do what the doctor says, I mostly feel great and am free of depression. Can your guy commit to doing that? He might benefit from seeing a therapist, too.

What's hard to cope with from your standpoint is that you have done nothing to cause it -- it's not your fault. And perhaps it is not totally his fault since he has inherited a tendency to be depressed. But it sounds like he is doing little to help himself, too. Refusing medication could be for a number of reasons, but he needs to talk this over with a psychiatrist. Offer to go to the doctor with him, and join in the discussion about his symptoms. Because often, the person suffering mental illness is not totally aware of how he appears to others, or is not aware that he has a serious illness and can't just will himself to be well.

Let us know how things go.

mkinser01

12/28/09 7:49pm

You said you don't want to be around the people you love because you lose the capacity to feel but does it help to have someone spend time with you with no expectations? Like just taking a walk or sitting just holding each other. Just spending time in the quiet. The person in the relationship that isn't depressed has a million questions & I feel that is makes things worse for the depressed individual. So just letting that person know you are still there for them & won't push. Can that help?

Joshua

12/30/09 2:46am

I wish I could say that I have no expierence with depression but having been down that road myself and surviing it I might have some answers that can help.

It would be best to start out with the truth of what depression is and move on to some answers. We are emotional beings. They are apart of us. Emotions work just like the other attributes of humans. We see because we have eyes and we hear because we have ears. We sense because we have feelings. We emote because we have emotions. Emotions are deeper and stronger because it surpasses the natural and is more intouch with our souls. Emotions are stronger than feelings because it's deeper much more closer to the real you than the external.

When depression is experienced it's the opposite of happiness. It's merely a signal not the actual state of a person. Just like the sense of touch and taste it's just a tool to indicate a state of being. It's not the real you even thou it's very strong.

Depression is a signal that something has gone wrong on the inside. Views and understanding becomes unfocused miss fires and confussion eruptes. The thinking part of man has misfired and there is error.

If we are able to connect to the misfire and correct it, Depression self lothing or any negative emotion has no footing within the thinking of man.

Simple reversal of bad decisions can have a dramatic effect on one's self when we look at it from a casusation point of view. The problem with bad choices often is closely related to blindness of why. This is where outside help gives great support in helping the person find answers to very simple questions what's gone wrong.

One more point and I will end. There are many strenghts to depression, Pride being one of the strongest. The only weapon against the strong arm of pride is humility. being able to see yourself in error and having the courage to see your weakness and admit your wrong. For some pride is hard to overcome but nessarey if you want to conqure depression.

If this man is willing to humble himself the healing process can began. honest friends can help him to point out the error and correct it. The emotional change "healilng" will auto matically kick in.

We are and always will be self healing and reproducing creatures. Out ability to heal is within us. It's just takes a little light , truth to correct and everythings falls into place even our emotions.

Joshua/Hopeboy

Q: Is there hope in a relationship with a depressed man who want to be "alone"

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