hi - i was not able to be a mom .. so i have two wonderful dogs that are getting up there .. i have had depression and had felt that desire to not be here anymore .. as i tried and was rescued and spent time figuring out the why and how's , it helped ...

after years of living with the ups and downs , i once again slipped into such a state that i just felt everyone , including me, would be better off if i were just "gone" .. until i looked at my babies , then took a walk and smlled the fresh air, felt the warmth of the sun, watched a thunderboomer come throgh , felt the wind in my hair , saw the russian sage blooming ... and realized that me giving in is not worth it or the answer .. that the MS, FMS, IbS, GERD, CP and all were not going to ever win, and that i am worth it ..

i see my therapist once a week and keep a journal .. i write here and on other forums here and have found that we need to express .. no matter how awful our postings sound , to me it is release and relief .. and i find that it helps me see myself a bit more clearly .. and i am a good person, and i do have much left to offer and while i may get sad, and while i may cry , i would rather be here to see my friends and my babies and i want to be here for them as they age , and i want to be here for you and i say express it as much as you need ..

i am in no way going to ever say that everyone would be better off with me gone again .. so i turned it around and quit smoking instead and made an accomplishment , and as you tend to your children, everday you make progress , you should congrat yourself for being here to change the diapers , and smile, to feed the babies, and smile and realize that you are very much needed and very much worth it .. to plenty of people ....

thank you for sharing your thoughts, please post as often as necessary , and feel free to express any and all ... i understand , as do most of us here and elsewhere .. in the chronic pain forums, in the IBS forums , in the cancer forums .. we understand and we acknowledge your feelings ...  

I have been there when my adult children were small. They are what kept me going.  I knew they needed me even if I was't always at my best.  Trust me there is know one like your Mom.  As adults, my children still don't understand and question me about going to a therapist.  I even have one that  doesn't bring his children around to see me because of my depression.  That is really hard on me since I love them so much.  What has helped me more then anything is my Bible Study group and praying.  There are only 4 of us in the group and they accept me as I am.  So does my husband who has been beside me all the way even if he sometimes dosent really understand...

Granny8