We have been married for almost nine years and have two precious children (5 years and 19 months). They mean the world to me and so does my wife. I am willing to take the lack of relationship that we have and put up with it for as long as it takes to see her get better. If that is possible. A little over a year ago she had breast augmentation surgery. Then several months after that I began to notice the change in our relationship. I tried to talk to her about the change in our relationship and she seemd to avoid the situation all together. Eventually it got to a point that it started to bother her when she noticed that at times she did not even want to be around anyone the kids or even her mother. Not wanting to be around her mother at times was really strange because her mother is her best friend. I think feeling that way finally made her ask her OBGYN about her feelings. I don't know to much more the conversation with her doctor other than the fact the he prescribed he LEXAPRO. She took the lexapro for awhile as prescribed and then she only took it sporadically. Our sex life is at an all time low. We still do have sex on occasions but not the passionate love making that we once shared. It seems that she has bottled up these feelings for about nine months. Yesterday we were talking on the phone and one thing led to another and I told her she needed to let me know how she feels about us and to tell me what she would like to happen. We'll we are in the beginning stages of separation. She says that she still loves me but the way that I need to be loved. Are these her true feelings or is this her mental condition/depression talking. Does this marriage seem to be betond repair. I am willing to do what ever it takes to keep our family intact. I truly love her! But I don't want to put out all of this effort if there is no hope. She is 33 years old and a full time working mom and does one hell of a job after work taking care of the kids and the house. At times she appears to get frustrated by all the work she has to do and then when I try to help she pushes me away and basically says that this is her routine and helps her unwind. Does this sound like someone has fallen out of love or someone who needs help? I know I need help!!!
Q: My marriage is falling apart but I don't think it is beyond repair.
Hi there
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure this must be very confusing and painful for you. I am trying to figure out this time line. So you have a 19 month old and a five year old. So when the 19 month old was nine months she had breast augmentation? I must admit I am perplexed by this. Was this her idea and...why? And so after she became depressed and took Lexapro but then didn't take it as directed? Is this accurate?
If she is depressed and she has had a baby...and is stressed and tired...I can see how sexual relations might be strained. But it seems I am missing something from this story. Did anything else happen? Was she depressed before the baby?
You sound very caring and compassionate and it must be really hard to offer help and support to someone who doesn't seem to want it.
What do you want to do? Where is your heart leading you? Is she at all agreeable to working on your relationship in any way? What is her major reason for wanting this separation? And what about the kids?
I would put your cards on the table and offer what you want to offer...to save the marraige. But if she is not agreeable I think you might want to get some counseling for yourself to work on your own emotions through this.
I truly wish you the best of luck. Please let us know how things evolve.
Hello, KAJ -
I sympathize deeply with your frustration and pain at this change in the relationship. Merely Me's question about the timeline is one I would ask too. I really can't tell what might have led to her surgery, but it seems there would be some sense on her part that she was uncomfortable with herself. That could point to the loss of self-esteem that is usually part of depression. Not taking the antidepressant regularly is another sign - from my experience - of not wanting to deal with what she's going through inside. It's also common in depression to isolate from everyone you're closest to. To go further in this speculation - and forgive me if I'm way off base - if the surgery was an attempt to help her feel better about herself, she'd likely be all the more depressed in finding that it doesn't work.
So, if depression is the underlying problem for the difficulty in the relationship, then there is the possibility that she's not really herself at all - and is acting on different rules. Depression has a way of deflecting attention from the inner condition to external circumstances. You blame those first, especially relationships - or at least believe you'll have hope for improvement if you leave them behind.
Merely Me's advice is excellent about counseling. I'd add marriage counseling also, if your wife is willing to do that.
I hope this can take a better direction. Please let us know if there's anything we can do here.
John
hi.....
Well I don't know how much help I can be but I would like to give you an idea of what is possibly going on in your wifes mind. I have a 3 y/o and 2 y/o and became a stay at home mom because my oldest was very sick for the first year of his life. When he was born I shut myself off from the world so that I could take care of him and one thing led to another that snowballed into 3 years of exhausting depression. I went for help and the meds worked for awhile but then I thought I was better and stopped taking them. By the time I realized that I wasn't better things started getting even worse. To make an extremely long story short.... I stopped caring about my appearance (by not buying nice clothes, no makeup, let hair cuts go, ect.), focused on my housework and mother duties so much that I became obsessed with making sure everything was perfect but constantly felt like I was working in circles and getting nowhere, cut myself off from friends and family, sought approval from my husband for everything I did, bought, thought, and ate. My husband tried and tried to help me come back around and be myself. He begged me to go out, buy nice clothes, make new friends, get a job, find a hobby, stop obsessing about being perfect, and so much more. For the longest time he dried my tears, held me close when I was upset (which was everyday), and did everything he could to be the best husband possible. Recently I hit an altime low and contimplated suicide almost daily. My husband seemed to have become fed up with me and my depression because I didn't seem to ever take his advice or care what he had to say. Truth be told... I did care, I did want to get better, I love my children and I love him. It wasn't that I didn't want to get better or that I didn't appreciate all of the love he gave me, it was that I didn't think that anyone would ever be able to help me because my life had become hopeless. I felt this way more and more everyday for 3 years! I would have a good day and be so happy thinking that I was all better, then I would have a bad day and wouldn't have another good day for months. My depression turned into anger towards everyone close to me. I started creating reasons that I truly believed that could be causing my depression. Blamed it on my husband because he had a drink now and again, because he got upset with our kids when they wouldn't listen, wouldn't go out with me to a friends house, tried to controll everything I did, didn't truly support anything I did... and so much more! These things just weren't true! My husband was the same person that I married... it was me that had changed. When I hit my altime low we were on the path the divorce. It wasn't what I wanted... AT ALL! but I felt like he was done trying and that it was what he wanted but just wouldn't tell me... so I played along and decided that I was a burden to him and my children and I couldn't put him through it anymore. He would tell me that if I thought I could be happy again if he wasn't with me then he just wanted me to be happy and that he wasn't making me stay. He became tired of picking me up, making my tears go away, putting his own feelings on the back burner, hearing me talk so negatively about everything I came across, and seeing me drift off into the distance as if I didn't even care anymore. Everyday I love him, always have and always will..... I never wanted to hurt him or make anything about myself.... I actually thought that I wasn't amking anything about me and got upset with him when he said I was selfish. Since then I have started taking medication again.... I have vowed to never stop taking it again for the sake of my sanity and our marriage. I am not going to lie... I struggle with becoming me again everyday, and it has been 3 months since I started pulling myself out of this slum. I know that my husband is still worried that I am going to just fall right back into depression and is scared that if he believes that I am getting better that he is just going to be let down again. Our relationship has suffered and I have to remind myself daily that I am able to accomplish anything I want and that the world isn't out to get me. Please... don't give up on your wife.... depression is real! It isn't something that a person wants to be going through... but when you try meds and they seem like they stop working, so you try another one and it works a little longer then seems to stop working..... it only makes the depression worse. Help her around the house and don't take her pushing you away personally.... Don't make her ask for your help with the kids and the household chores... just do it... she may not seem like she wants or needs your help but she does.. she just isn't willing to admit it. Does she seem like she doesn't want you to do anything because she can do it better if she just does it herself? She's overwhelmed! and not willing to admit it to anyone including herself. Take the kids as often as you can and when you see her running around the house like a chicken with her head cut off doing senseless things.... help her do those senseless things and don't just sit down after you have finished the kitchen... try not sitting down until she does at night... it may seem pointless to you but seeing you help her and truly want to be a part of your family will help her realize that you do love her and you truly don't want to give up on her! When you walk by the trash and it's full, empty it... Try to take over some of the chores that you know she does all the time.... but don't ask her if she wants your help... just do it when you notice it....
It's not easy and I know that it seems hopeless more often than not... but please remember that she will get better and she is fighting a disease. Oh.. and remind her to take her pills... without making it seem like she can't funtion without them... but that if she keeps taking them maybe she will feel more like herself. I truly hope that everything works out and that she gets better soon.... support her and help her find other means of support. I know it's hard but stay strong and seek support for yourself too!
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