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Thursday, June 17, 2010 Karynf24, Community Member, asks

Q: Explaining Depression and actions to husband

I have been recently diagnosed with severe depression, ptsd and mpd. I have been suffering from depression my entire life (unknown that was what it was). I have been married for 13 years with 3 children. At the end of last year the depression took a strong hold. I withdrew from "my life" and was unhappy no matter what was going on. My husband was laid off from work almost 2 years now. He has been a full time college student since last June. He was so determined to make all A's. That has been his primary focus. When the depression really took over, I started to lose interest in everything except "farmville" on facebook. During that time an old high school class mate found me on fb and we started talking. The relationship developed into more than it should. Exchanging of pictures and video chats. I was so happy to have someone that I thought cared about me and was interested in my day to day life. Since I had completely withdrawn from "my life" I was not able to see anything that my husband was doing for me and to figure out what was wrong with me.   I am in therapy but am not making the progress that he wants or needs to explain my actions.  I also exchanged pictures with an unknown person met through fb.. that I can't explain.   The online relationship has gaps in my memory that I don't recall any of the events (he has read the chat logs so he knows more than me), my therapist said those conversations were through my alter. Anyway... I an not finding anything on the net that can help me explain to my husband that some (not all and not looking for an excuse) of the behavior may be normal for someone suffering from depression. I have dismissed using the pstd and mpd as explanations to him as they only seem to aggregate the situation.  Does anyone out there have any advice or information that may be helpful?


They are still working on adjusting the meds to get them so I can stop having such up's and downs. My primary doctor will not adjust the meds as it is beyond the scope of his/her medical training. So waiting for the funds to see a psy to adjust meds.




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Answers (2)
John Folk-Williams, Health Guide
6/18/10 1:44am

Hello, Karyn -


I know how easy it is to escape into an online relationship - just as it is to fantasize about an affair. Everything seems perfect because there are no day to day stresses. But seeking that sort of outlet for your feelings - as you know - only makes it easier to avoid the hard part of open and honest communication with your husband. You understand a lot about your behavior and that's a big achievement. I'm sure your husband has built up his own frustrations with your isolation and withdrawal, and Judy's idea of the two of you sitting down with a therapist is excellent. It's not uncommon for a couple to meet with a relationship counselor while one of the partners is also in individual therapy - so that's something else to consider.


Communicating with your husband fully - and he with you - is essential to topping what could a worsening cycle of emotional distance and blame. I don't know if that's feasible financially, but it is so important that your husband be able to understand and be supportive of you as you deal with multiple problems. His needs can't be forgotten - not to mention those of three young children. It's a lot to handle under the best of circumstances.


You can do a search on this site for PTSD and also for dissociative personality disorder (that's the favored term now rather than multiple) - to find out more about how people handle relationships when they have these conditions. This site has a number of posts on depression and relationships - look at Merely Me's list of shareposts - also at mine and Jerry Kennard's - there's a lot here.


Please stay in touch if you need more information and ideas.



Judy, Community Member
6/17/10 8:33pm

Hi there, Karynf.  Do NOT let your husband make you feel pressured to get better on some artificial timetable - it takes as long as it takes.  I think the best thing you could do is have your therapist call and invite him to one of your sessions and let her help you explain to your husband what this is like for you.  He can also talk about what it's like for him.  Your diagnosis is complicated and you aren't going to suddenly change overnight.  Maybe he's afraid of what might happen if you change, I don't know.  But education is the best defense you have right now - once he gets the real picture, he will hopefully become more realistic in what he expects out of you.  This isn't making excuses, it's telling him what it is.


Communication is the key with your husband and I hope you can get more support from him, once he understands more.  And hang in there, things will get better if you just keep moving ahead, little by little.  I wish you all the best.

Karynf24, Community Member
6/18/10 10:10am

Thank you Judy! I don't think he is trying to put time lines on me. He says he knows the questions he has for me to work through will take time. I just feel that it would be helpful when he askes me some questions if I have some information about depression to provide him as to why some things happend with out any regard for anyone else.  I am waiting anxiously for some positive results from both the therapist and the meds to get worked out.

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By Karynf24, Community Member— Last Modified: 12/26/10, First Published: 06/17/10