Refreshing honesty.  I'm probably going to end up killing myself.  I get so sick of hearing bull crap talk about how "you matter" and it would be "selfish".  Screw that.  There are 5 billion people on this planet.  People die every day.  One more ain't gonna have any monumental impact.  People die, people grieve, and the world keeps on turning. 

I also have to strongly disagree with this.  I am sorry that you have gotten so cynical about life that you think it doesn't matter if you live or die.  I want to tell you a personal story about why I feel suicide isn't the answer.

When my older son was in high school, he was very depressed.  We had him on medication and therapy and those barely kept him going.  He was chronically angry with my husband and would fly into rages over everything.  One evening, after an angry episode with his dad, he marched downstairs into our basement in a huff.  My husband and I were watching TV and I remember it only half-registering, I had seen this happen so many times before.  We didn't hear any noise, but suddenly heard a crash, like something had fallen.  I went down there, looking around, couldn't find him.  And then I realized that the store room door was slightly ajar and there was a light on in there.  I think I knew what I would find, but I walked in there and he was hanging from a rafter with an electrical cord.  He had just lost consciousness and when I grabbed his legs and tried to push him upward to relieve the tension on the cord, he opened his eyes and was immediately sorry.  My husband helped me get him down and all he could say was how sorry he was, how sorry.  I talked to his therapist and psychiatrist on the phone, who had us take him to the emergency room and they admitted him to the psych ward for a week.

We subsequently had some family therapy, but there were still problems.  A year and a half later, he tried again by sitting in a running car in the garage while no one else was home, but a ringing phone snapped him out of his "trance" and I actually didn't find out about it until some time later.  But he did spend another week in the hospital.  After that, he married a girl he thought he loved but who was more screwed up and depressed than he was and the marriage didn't last long.  More depression, to say the least.

I can't say exactly what turned him around, but today he has his head on straight.  If he had succeeded in killing himself, I would still be grieving and I would not have my beautiful grandson to brighten my life or a daughter-in-law that I care very much about.  We all leave a part of ourselves with the people who are in our lives, so you have no right to say that you don't matter because you can't speak for those people.  I don't necessarily look at suicide as being selfish because I think when a person is in that much pain, they're just not thinking about the consequences of what they're doing.  Yes, people die and the world keeps on turning, but it's a different kind of grief when the death is part of the natural life cycle.  There IS help for depression, sometimes it just takes some hard looking, sometimes the help is right in front of you and you don't see it.  I hope you will find it.  I can promise you that you DO matter to somebody, maybe even someone you don't know about but who watches you or looks up to you.  Don't cause them pain because of your pain.  Talk to someone, find someone who will listen to you.  This site is one place you can come to, but it's not face-to-face; however, people here DO care because most of us have probably thought about suicide and chose not to do it.  It is definitely NOT the best way to end the suffering of family members - just ask any family member of someone who's committed suicide - or even just tried it - and see what they say.

I'm hoping you will change your mind and choose to live.