Sunday, December 12, 2010 Twilighter214 asks

Q: My partner is depressed,and he has broken up with me because i was hurting.Now i'm depressed,but more worried about him.what should i do.he says he loves me but doesn't know what he wants.

The depression started in June, i don't know what triggered it but every-time i told him how i felt he would state "I just get this way i feel Blah and you know i don't like to talk much." i couldn't handle the fact of him not "wanting" me anymore. and he woudl tell me over and over again that that was not the case, even so i didn't believe him. after talking to a few people. i found he was depressed, and researched more. as things became clearer of what would cause his depression i found that his symptoms of sleeping, not eating, not talking, keeping to himself, withdrawing basically. When i went to see him after not seeing him for 5 months we talked. He said he wanted to marry me, that he wanted to take care of me, but because he is unable to get a job at this time he can't and he doesn't feel he should be in a relationship. I dont' know what to do or how to feel. He says he doesn't want a relationship right now, and for us to be just friends, But i can't be his friend. i feel as though i love him to much. and that if i see him, i wont' be able to withhold my feelings and do things as a couple would, but feeling a bit used because i'm not In a relationship. I Love him dearly, and i want to wait for him, i want him to get better so he can realize his dreams again. i want him to not be "blah" anymore, so that he can be who he was, and we can be happy again. I miss my lover, and my best friend. what should i do?

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Answers (1)

John Folk-Williams, Health Guide

12/12/10 1:09pm

Hi -

I'm sorry you have to go through this - of course, you miss him and so want him to get well and come back to the relationship. But he does sound like he's lost in depression, and you're right about all those symptoms of his. As many of us have found out, depression can be "contagious" in close relationships, and I think it's really important for you to get your own support and help.

You can let him know you support and love him and, if you can get the message through to him, that there is plenty of help he can get. Depression is treatable and the sooner it's dealt with the better, but apart from that it's really up to him. You can't do much more until he sees the need himself and does something to help himself.

I've treated those close to me in this way when I've been not just depressed but completely denying that I was in a real crisis. Since I've been responsible for causing pain like this, I know how important it is for you to take care of your depression. The longer you stay focused just on him, the worse you'll probably feel. There's no getting away from the grief and hurt of losing a lover. Some form of counseling is helpful for that - even though you may not have a diagnosable form of depression.

My best to you -- John

Twilighter214

12/12/10 3:01pm

I have been diagnosed with depression; my own was caused not only by him but a few other traumatic experiences that have happened to me in a matter of 5 months alone. I myself am seeking counseling and they suggest anti-depressants but I don't' feel they would help me as much because it's outside forces that are causing the chemical changes within my brain to occur. I am doing all I can to take care of myself, but I'm afraid of simply letting him go to b with his thoughts. As everyone has stated, they have told their loved one that they would b there for them, but I'm afraid he will not believe me. being without him is very hard because even though i know it is ill fated in a way to place something on another he was my source of "happiness" in a way. And now my happiness is gone.

I do not want him better for my own selfish reasons. It's just that I don't' know this person. He is not the person I feel in love with and he is pushing everyone away. Everyone is leaving, thinking that he doesn't want them around, yet in a way I know he needs people around just as I do. The sad thing is he does not know he is depressed. So how can you get help for something...you won't even acknowledge?

John Folk-Williams, Health Guide

12/13/10 12:51am

Counseling sounds like the right choice, and I hope you can find someone to work with soon. (It really worries me that so many mental health providers jump to drugs before any other form of treatment.)

Your boyfriend is a different person if he's taken down with depression. Withdrawal and isolation seem like the answer when you're in that state, but they only intensify the problem, at least in my experience. The effect on you and others who want to help him is devastating, and it doesn't help much to know that he can't see you for who you are. It's even worse, though, if he's in deep denial and refuses to get help. As frustrating, even agonizing, as that is, there isn't anything you can do about it. He needs to change his way of looking at himself, but some people never acknowledge the problem - for others it can take a long time, until some shock due to their behavior finally hits home.

Counseling will definitely help you get a better perspective on your own feelings and needs - and perhaps see yourself apart from the relationship and what he needs. It must be hard to think about you with this loss so recent.

John

Twilighter214

12/23/10 11:20am

Councling was a Bomb.

Let me explain...

I have been seeing the same councler for about 2 years now. When i started feeling all of these stange emotions i let her know. Seems she has used them agasint me. She informed my school after an incendent caused by another student, that i have a high possability of hurting myself. This is not true. I want the pain inside me to go away, but it won't and personailly i feel it's taht way because i dont' know how to let go of Him. I can't heal, because when i put myself back together a bit i fall back into peices.

My councler woudl tell me that it's his fault. That i have to stop talking to him, but talking to him for one day made me feel better than talking to her three days out of the week. He is the poisin in my viens...but he is also the cure...

when bad things happened at my college they blamed him, and i grew angry. They know nothing about him, nothing of what he is or is not goign through. But really i don't Ether. I don't know what's goign on with him. I don't know what he's thinking or feeling. I want to stay here for him, but he isn't giveing me a Reason too, and that sadly makes me sad. I selfishly want him to tell me, "don't go", "i want you here". But he will not. He says "I love you, but i dont' know what i want", i don't understand this...

he says when things get better with him and myself we coudl try again, but i don't know What has to be better. i'm merely assumeing he is depressed...because i am. I won't admit that to my councler becuase she is pushing pills regliously Now.

I talked to him the other day...i'm not even sure what came out of it. When i told him "goodbye" he asked me if i had to leave...i told him i did. But he came to talk to me. things started out normally, but then he asked about one of my friends. the thing is my friend and i had a dissagreement. she is in a relationship with a man that started out as physical and turned into somthing more, i told hr all i have now is a fading hope that the one i love will return to me. i explained this to him, and he became quite.

i waited a while and he had nothing to say, i didn't expect much. i forget how we even got further into the conversation, but i just ended up telling him how lucky she was even though my friend did not know if the guy wanted her for that moment in time she had him. for that moment in time anything can happen and it's up to the both of them what it will become.

he became quite again. i dont' remeber ompletely what i asked him...but i know i told him that when i ask him if i shoudl leave he says nothing. when i ask him if i should stay, he says nothing. He tells me he will always be here for me, but i told him i didn't beleive him because being there meant answering, it meant being active and being well "There", and it's obvious that he is not.

I told him my downfall for this is that i care way too much, to the point where i can help at all. I can't help because i want to always be there for him and become hurt when he doesn't say anything to me. I Can't help beause i feel if i go away...i'll never see him again. I'm terrified of never seeing him again, but i dont' know how much i can take. He said he doesn't have the answers to my questions, and asked me to stop. It's Saddening...and Frustraiting, to know the only one that can answer...won't.

I'm trying to see myself out of teh relationship like you suggested...and i feel so empty...

Q: My partner is depressed,and he has broken up with me because i was hurting.Now i'm depressed,but more worried about him.what should i do.he says he loves me but doesn't know what he wants.

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