The past 2 years have been the worst years of our lives. We have had heartache after heartache. He lost his mother who he was incredibly close to about a year and a half ago. He then lost his Aunt and Grandmother within 6 months of his mom's death. His uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer and it is not looking good. We have lost several pets due to various but untreatable reasons. Our pets are like children to us. We both lost our jobs due to a massive reduction in job force at our employers. He had to go back to a job that he quit because he hated it. I could go on and on about all the horrible things that have happened to us lately but I think that is enough to give you a good picture.
We have been together for 11+ years, living together for most of them. There is no doubt that we love(d) each other. I have asked him if he feels he was ever truely happy with our relationship and he has always said yes. I believe that to be true. I think the majority of our relationship we have been happy. Of course our relationship isn't perfect but when I ask him what he sees wrong with it the only real problem he says is communication.
He asked me to finally marry him about a year ago. This was a few months after his mom died. I should point out that it took him many months to really start dealing with his mom's death. He felt he had to be strong and support his dad (they were married for 40+ years) so he just bottled up those feelings.
Not very long after he proposed everything started going down hill. He has withdrawn from me completely showing very little attention or affection to me for quite some time now. He has spent very little time with me and spends most of his time alone. He is having an identity crisis. He has stated that he does not feel good about who he is and that he needs to find himself. He doesn't really like anything about himself. He feels worthless. These are all things that he has explicitly said.
I tried to give him the space he needs to deal with all this. He moved into the guest room and has been living in there for maybe 5 months now. It hasn't improved anything. He has become even more withdrawn and distant. I have left him alone most of the time but have encouraged him to spend time with me at least once a week. Sometimes it is only an hour or 2 a week.
He has told me directly that he thinks I deserve better than him. That I always have but even more so now that he can't give me the attention/affection that I deserve. I have told him that if he doesn't love me anymore to just tell me and let me go. He says that he still loves me but just can't give me what I need. That he can't continue hurting me and that he just needs to be alone.
When things really started going down hill I told him that I thought he was depressed and really needed to get help. I asked him to go to counseling. He went to one session and will not go back. He says he doesn't like it. He has always had problems communicating.... with me... with everyone.
He is making no effort to work on our relationship or get himself the help he needs. I don't know what to do. Right now it is over. We have discussed this before but have always decided to keep on trying to work it out. This time it is different. I just don't feel right about ending it. I don't feel like our relationship is over because it is bad. I feel like it is over because we are both depressed. We both have a strong history of depression in our families. I ask him if he thinks he is depressed and he only says maybe. He refuses counseling, Rx, and any other sort of help. There is no life to him.
He doesn't have fun in anything that he does. He goes out with friends every once in awhile but doesn't appear to enjoy himself. It's like he is just putting on a facade to make the world think that he isn't a mess inside. Everything that he is and we had is slipping through my fingers.
I don't know if I should just start my life over with someone new or keep fighting for our love. I want my boyfriend back. I love him deeply but I can't make him stay or get the help he needs. Please give me some advice I am devastated and don't have any idea what to do.