I am sorry you are having such a hard time, I have had all of the things you mention.  Can I ask why you haven't seen your therapist in so long and are not permitted to take a working antidepressant?  It seems clear to me that you most certainly need professional help.  Do you need to find a new therapist?  It would help if I knew a little more about why you are not going to therapy when you need it most.  Hope you will write back.  You know that it's your depression talking when you say you don't care what happens to your kids because I'm pretty sure there's a little piece of you somewhere that cares very much about them.  Can you get some help in caring for them?  I do know what you are going through and I can't say strongly enough that somehow, somewhere, you need to get some professional help.  Please let me know how you're doing.