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Monday, October 06, 2008 patty, Community Member, asks

Q: my son and husband don't get along with each other

how can i help my son's stepdad understand, my son is depressed and not lazy?

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Answers (1)
jeanette, Community Member
1/ 6/09 2:14pm

hi, i have been in the same situation for the last eight years, my son does not get along with his step father, for years i felt depressed with it, until the other day, i sat my husband down, explained that he was actually hurting me by acting the way he was acting towards my boy.. I said to him, i never thought you would hurt me, i started to cry, in the end i explained that my kids are more important to me than he ever will be, and if my kids are not happy, then our marriage would have to end, as hard as that sounds, it gave him a kick up the arse i can tell you, My husband is in the army and we are posted in germany, so a long way from home, but if need be i would go. We have a 5 year old together and he spoils him rotten, my eldest boy is 17 and has not seen his real dad for 6 years, all he wants is a father figure, not to much to ask. My husband is the same, my son goes to his room all the time, my husband never talks to him unless he wants him to do a job, my son does it he says just to keep the peace, he shouldnt have to, my son and i have a strong bond and i think my husband is jealous of that even though he wont admit it, your husband needs to understand he is your boy, and when hes hurting your hurting, its not easy and you will feel like your losing a battle, but he needs to know how your son feels, i wish you all the luck in the world, keep at it, your obviously a great mum otherwise you would not be wanting help xx jeanette xx

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sam, Community Member
11/ 9/10 6:35am

I am in that boat too Jeanette.My husband is in the army(we're in the uk at the mo).we've been together for 8 years.my son (light of my life)is 9 years old.sometimes my husband can be ok on the odd occasion with him but most of the time he only interacts with him when he wants my son to do something.its really upsetting to me and i will tell him as soon as my sons out the room.sometimes if i think he's being over the top i'll say so while my son is there.ive told my husband if things dont improve we'll leave him,and i have seriously been thinking about this.im sick of the "talks" now.my husband also has 2 kids (who are lovely)who live with their mum and her partner so i often say"how would you feel if her partner spoke to your kids like that?"which leads to silence half the time.but the other half he tells me im going over the top,which now makes me think "am i" because im watching everything that happens.i know that im not though.he's also not a cuddly dad or loving-but he's the same with his own kids but i do worry about that because my lad is sooo loving.my mum said i just have to double up on my cuddles but i do worry because i dont want my son to think its normal for a dad not to show his kids love.im pretty much stuck because he's a lovely husband but a rubbish dad.and when i hear other people saying that i always think your kids come first get rid of him and make your kids life as happy as you can.me and my son have a strong bond too and my husband couldnt get any further away from us on the couch when we have a cuddle up.but as soon as my son is in bed he cuddles up to me then.my husband loves football and has took my son outside to teach him but my son doesnt like it and prefers rugby-which hubby likes but wont play.they dont seem to have anything in common.

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By patty, Community Member— Last Modified: 12/24/10, First Published: 10/06/08