Tuesday, May 01, 2012 annabelle26 asks

Q: what is going on with me....?

I do not understand myself. I love being around my friends and family I love to party around and go here and there, but many times I just completely feel like being alone. But I'm so trying not to be alone, because when I am alone, without people around me I totally feel sad. I just do not know what to do and my soul starts kinda immediately feel sad and empty even if I do not think anything bad, I just feel this way when I am alone. So I always need to be around people even if I wanna be alone and want to be left alone. Normally when I am around people I am smiling and laughing and make other people happy and I entertain them. I love being in the central and entertain other people. I mean my friends and family. But many times even if I am with them I just feel so sad inside and want to be left alone. At work when I go out for a break I go out alone (I do not really like when other people want to join) I just want to listen to my music and smoke my cigarette alone! When they interrupt I feel upset but I try not to show it. Most of my friends come to me when they have a problem and I love helping them and I think (and they think that too) that I am a good listener and I give good advices but even if I love giving advices after a while I get tired and so do not wanna be bothered and fed up with giving advices. Anyways I do not know why do I feel sad and empty when I am alone. I just listen to sad music, I can't even switch to a happy one even if I want to because I do not want to feel sad, but I just can't switch to a happy one. When I am listening to a happy music then a sad one comes in the list from the smiling bouncing happy girl I turn to sad and "feeling empty" girl. I love and also hate to feel sad and empty. I do not sleep much. Normally 4-5 hours a day or even less. I love sleeping but it is just a waste of time. I am afraid of death and get anxious when we talk about my mum's death. I know when she dies, I'll die too - I'll be too weak to live without her and will commite a suicide - I have a weird thing. I call it "symmetry mania" myself. I made this name up. It is like when I scrape or hit or whatever my right hand then I need to do it with my left hand too. It was just an example but I do it with my leg, eyebrow..etc. I'm terribly afraid of bugs. Any bugs! Bees, spiders, butterflies..etc. Anyways there are so not related to the original topic. I am running away of that feeling but at the same time I want to feel this way. Why is that? Sorry for my English, I am a Hungarian girl. Thank you for your help, in advance. Regards, Anna

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Answers (1)

Judy

5/ 2/12 11:29am

Hi, Annabelle. It can certainly be confusing when your mood changes so drastically from one situation to the next. Have you thought about talking to a therapist about this stuff? You might have depression and/or anxiety, or it could be something else. A lot of young people, I think, go through some anxiety while trying to understand themselves and their purpose in life - I know I did. Being alone is difficult for many people, too. The part that concerns me is your thinking that when your mum dies you will be too weak to carry on and will have to commit suicide. Of course, you will grieve when she dies and miss her terribly, but you have a life of your own to live and she would no doubt want you to do that. Death is a natural part of the life cycle. Another part of the life cycle is gaining independence from our parents and allowing our children the freedom to live their lives.

You may want to start with a physical examination to rule out other things that might be causing these feelings, such as a hormone imbalance. If nothing can be found, I would suggest talking with a mental health professional.

I don't know if this was much help, but please let us know if there is something else we can do. If you feel like it, you could write a sharepost here and talk about what's going on in your life. We have a lot of supportive people here and most likely, someone has experienced many of the things you are dealing with now. Thanks for your question and for visiting our site.

annabelle26

5/ 2/12 2:08pm

Hi there!

Actually I am healty and there's nothing to do with my health (physical examination as you sad). I might have to talk with a mental health professional but I just do not want to. I do not like when other people who do not even know me and never seen me before, try to figure out who I am or what I feel or why i feel this way...

Today as I was smoking outside, was having a break during work, and I was out on the balcony.. anyways suddenly my brain told me to jump out... and it kept saying kept saying it for like 5mins what I do not understand cuz I would never do that!! I don't understand why that happened or anything but I was shaking afterwards... anyways I do not understand a lot of thing but I can live with that I guess.

I know that death is the natural part of the life cycle but I just can't accept that and I'll be waaaaaaay too weak to accept my mummy's death... idk...

anyways thank you for your help!

Judy

5/ 2/12 2:36pm

I'm sorry you are reluctant to see a mental health professional. Therapy can be very helpful when you want to figure things out; sometimes just hearing yourself talk is enlightening and in many things, two heads are sometimes better than one. It can help you develop coping skills so that you don't feel you are too weak to survive your mother's death, whenever that happens. You say yourself that something in your brain is telling you to do things that you would not normally do - I think that's a clue that you need to talk to somebody. I wish you all the best.

annabelle26

5/ 2/12 2:42pm

you are really nice and I really appreciate your help... maybe I will... I just do not want them to kill "my feelings"... idk...

Q: what is going on with me....?

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