Friday, October 24, 2008 Boomer asks

Q: Will my fiance return to his old self?

My question is....is it possible for someone who's going through depression to truly return to their old self?

My fiance is the most wonderful person is the world...kind, sensitive, funny, loving, etc...but I've seen a real change in him over the past two months which is only getting worse. The first thing I really noticed is when he called off our wedding with 6 weeks to go, saying that he just didn't feel happy but didn't know why. This came out of nowhere to me b/c we were doing fine, so I at first assumed maybe there was another girl involved or that I did something wrong. He all of a sudden wanted space and went home for 3 weeks. We occasionally talked, but it just seemed like I was talking to a complete stranger and I didn't understand how it could have gone downhill so fast. Then I started to research depression and boy did stuff sound familiar to what I was noticing...increased alcohol consumption, irritable and moody, insensitive, back pains, and shutting out loved ones. His reason for taking this trip was "getting things straightened out" so that he could come back to the relationship happy again. I was not getting my hopes up that he would get off that plane as the old person I knew, and I was right. He looked like his dog had just died...he would barely hold my hand and giving him kisses was like kissing a wall. I think he assumed b/c he couldn't feel feelings of happiness after not seeing me for 3 weeks that it must be b/c he doesn't love me anymore.

We talked about the possbility of him having depression and he agrees that something could be wrong but doesn't think that would have anything to do with his feelings for me. The psychiatrist did put him on Wellbutrin (he also has ADD) this week so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I am lucky that he's been so willing to try anything to feel like himself again. But he still wants to take time apart...he says he wants to rule out that these feelings could be b/c of me....he says if he misses me than he'll know it's not me. But if you can't feel love like you use to, can you miss someone? I can see how the stresses of his job & finances got him to this point, but when everything was perfect between us I don't know how he could even think it's our relationship.

So does anyone have any advice? He says he has to be happy before he can make me happy again...does that sound like anything anyone has experienced. And even if none of this had anything to do with me, and the medicine starts to give him a better sense of reality...do they ever go back to their old self again?

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Answers (13)

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/27/08 3:56pm

Hey Boomer

This is a lot to go through for the both of you.

As I read this I am wondering if something happened during the time before your wedding was to take place? Was there some major stressor? Has he shown signs of being depressed before? Is this his first marraige?

I wish I could tell you everything is going to be all right and that he will be like his old self again but I don't think anybody knows the answer to this question right now...perhaps not even your fiance at this point.

The best advice I can give to you is for you to tell him you love him, that you will be there for him (if this is what you want to do), and that you will give him the space and time that he needs. Do you think he got cold feet and just needs time to regain his confidence?

Please let us know what happens. It will be hard to wait to see what he wants to do but it seems that is all you can do at this point.

Thank you for your question.

Boomer

10/27/08 5:36pm

Thank you for your response. Yes, he was under a lot of stress in the months leading up to his calling off (or postponing I suppose) the wedding. He is an athlete (not pro), where performance means everything, and he wasn't doing too well...something he had never experienced before. On top of that, he had rental properties where the mortgages were going up but the income coming in was staying the same...and then someone even moved out of one of them. Needless to say, very stressful and the two may even go hand-in-hand.

I'm not sure where the wedding fit in to all this...obviously it's good to not have one at this point, but I don't know if he just didnt want to get married or if he just didn't want to fail at one more thing. Like I said, our relationship was just fine..then like a switch was flipped. I want to stand by him but it's hard when I don't know what he wants...and he doesn't know what he wants so he can't answer. I let him make all the communication, trying to give him space, and he still calls at least twice a day. But I wonder if doing this is good for me...I feel like I'm doing Everything and getting Nothing in return.

Missy80

10/27/08 5:58pm

Hi there,

I've been in a similar situation more than once in my life, but in my case, I've been the one whose feelings have changed. (In fact, I think I wrote a post about this about a week ago, if you want to take a look at it). I wonder if your fiance has ever had this happen to him before with another relationship? For me, I know that it is a definite pattern in my life. I tend to look for someone to make me happy instead of being happy with myself, then eventually become disillousioned and find that my feelings have changed.

I do suffer from depression and have for years, so I can tell you that the way you feel about everything and everyone in your life is impacted when you feel that way. He might be even making himself worse trying to figure out why or if his feelings have changed.

I think the best thing you can do is to be supportive and give him space and whatever he needs to get better, if this is worth it for you in the long run. This is where the "in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows come into play. And hey - if, for some reason, he decides that he won't be able to make this commitment to you after all, you will at least have learned a great lesson..?

Good luck.. this must be so hard for you.

Boomer

10/27/08 6:42pm

Hi Missy....thanks for sharing from your perspective. So in your past relationships, did you ever get to a point where you wanted to make it work or did they even give you that chance? I desperately want to stand by his side, but it's even harder when you don't know if it's the depression talking or true feeings. I'm not sure if he had ever dealt with this before, but I want to say he hasn't b/c he's never had the stresses in his life like he had this year (the perfect storm I like to call it). He just started taking medication, so I'm hopeful that will help but not expecting a miracle either.

Missy80

10/28/08 12:47pm

Hi again Boomer,

One specific example of how this happened to me in the past is this: I was dating someone whom I thought I was head-over-heels in love with. He went away to Europe for about a month and during that time, I got pretty depressed. However, when he got back, I seemed unable to feel anything for him anymore! I couldn't tell if it was the depression that was negatively-effecting my feelings for him, or if my feelings had legitimately changed, thereby causing my depression. It was quite strange and, although it's been almost ten years since it happened, I still don't really know why it did.

At any rate, realizing that my feelings may have changes and thinking obsessively about why that was actually made me even more depressed, to the point where I dropped out of school, stopped eating, and slept most of the day. It took me about two months of taking my medication steadily and taking lots of time for myself to recover, but eventually I did and my boyfriend stayed by my side and with me through it all. We ended up being together for another year or so after the fact.

I guess the reason for telling you this story is that yes, there is hope that he will come around and be the person you knew again. Of course, this experience will change him a bit, as all experiences do, but I don't think it's hopeless by any means and I think you two can be happy again, if you choose to stick it out.

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees and you may find that waiting around for him changes your feelings, too. You may become resentful of his postponement of the wedding or just the fact that you have had to put your plans and life on hold while he sorts himself out.

I wish I could tell you either way what to do. I guess the best thing to do is weigh the pros and cons of waiting for him (I often make pros and cons lists), and then just listen to what your gut is telling you.

Please keep me posted!

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/29/08 7:10am

Hi again

Missy has given you some really good advice and perspective here.

And I think you have great insight into the fact that if he is feeling depressed over other things in his life, he just may well be scared to try something else he may fail at.

The problem is...how would you ever convince him otherwise if he won't take any steps towards getting married. It seems fear may be holding him back.

How long would you wait for him? What do you want for yourself? He may or may not return to how he was. That is the inherent risk in this.

Give him space. Be there for him. But at the same time take care of you too. Begin to set your boundaries of how long you will wait.

I am glad you wrote back. I am hoping he comes around for ya.

Boomer

10/29/08 10:38am

Thanks guys...

I honestly have no resentment towards my fiance and I've let him know that in case he thought too much damage has been done. I believe everything happens for a reason, and we obviously weren't suppose to marry at that time. I just wish he didn't push me away. On top of the other stresses in his life, he grew up in a house where his parents did not get along at all. And even though they are still married, their life is miserable...so I often wonder how much that factors into his perception of marriage, especially if he's dealing with all this.

One thing I do find interesting, and I don't know whether this is common or not....but the thing that really triggered my thinking he might be depressed is an increase in alcohol consumption. But the strange thing is, he seems much more like my old fiance when he's been drinking. Says sweet things, mentions missing me, mentions getting married. Not sure what that's all about.

Thames12

10/30/08 9:30pm

I have been fighting depression my entire life--my first totally incapacitating major depressive episode was in 1969, when I was 18. The good news is that I have now been happily married for more than 20 years and have two very well adjusted teenagers. The bad news is that I still fight depression regularly--and it's difficult to answer whether I ever return to my "old self." Depression is part of who I am.

You have brought up two very important issues--your fiance's semblance of normalcy when he drinks and the question of whether he is aware of his depression.

In the best case scenario, your depressive episodes can teach you how to recognize them, what works best in dealing with them, and how to separate your other feelings from your depression. People who are depressed don't make good decisions. They quite often look to all of the stressors in their lives (good things like marriages as well as bad things like adjustable-rate mortgages are stressors) as being the cause of their depression. Some of those stressors do make the depression worse, but some of them are made stressful by the depression. It's a messy tangle of unmanageable thoughts and feelings.

Today's medicines are very helpful in allowing us to find some way out of the mental fog so that we can start managing our thoughts better. Alcohol is not helpful. Alcohol will become a habit that takes on a life of its own--and will make the depression overwhelming. If I could go back and change one thing in my life I would never start to drink. If your fiance seems more like his old self when he drinks--that in and of itself is a problem. The alcohol is a central nervous system depressant--and it helps us escape --just let go of all the anxiety, pain, and confusion that come with the depression. Welbutrin makes it easier to let go of other cravings--cigarettes, food, alcohol--that we self-medicate with. Your fiance needs to consider giving up alcohol altogether while he is lucky enough to have the Welbutrin. The Welbutrin may not work properly if he continues to drink with it, as well.

I do not believe I would be alive today without my husband. But my husband could not have helped me through my depressions had I not understood them enough to explain to him what's wrong with me when I am depressed. (Having babies makes me genuinely nuts--and my husband always took me on trips to national parks when I got seriously depressed. That's really a much better escape than alcohol.)

I think your fiance is lucky to have you--but you know, do-it-yourself mental health recovery is really really hard. I think you and he should find a good psychologist you can go to together and your fiance can go to by himself, if advised--so that you can both figure out why he hurts and how to help him. Today's antidepressants are really good--but they are only tools. Understanding depression is very empowering--but understanding depression is very difficult to do alone.

The combination of medication from the psychiatrist (sometimes the first one you try isn't the one that works for you) and insight and coping mechanisms from a psychologist will allow you and your fiance to understand and manage his depression. The combination can also be invaluable to strengthening your relationship.

God bless you both. May you live happily ever after. (I am living proof it can be done:)

x-kimmie-x

11/29/08 8:26pm

the only thing you can is give him what he wants and dont ring him for a few days just text him like one of his would just to see how he is and then just tell him how you and what you want and then ask him what he wants. and see where it goes from there hope it works out.

6/ 8/09 7:45am

HI Boomer,

i am going through a similar situation at the moment. My fiance called of our wedding about 6 weeks before our wedding due to depression. He had recognised his depression a few weeks before and went away to try and deal with it - but couldn't get over it and we both knew that he wasnt going to get better with the wedding and other stress factors still in place. That was a few months ago now. He feels like he is in a mid-life crisis and doesnt know what he wants - he is taking meds and seeing a counsellor but still drinking way too much and often sleeping much of the day. I go between being supportive and caring and being unable to do this because I'm worrying for my future (he is not sure he wants kids now after us taling about this dream for over 5 years!). Just wondering if you or any others have words of advice.

Elli

6/ 8/09 5:59pm

Hi K,

My situation is very similar to yours, but different. My fiance/boyfriend is depressed and is trying to deny it, but it greatly affects me in my relationship with him. I feel like he looks to me for his sense of purpose in life and I don't think that is healthy. He has no motivation to do anything with himself and he looks to everything on the outside to define himself rather than feeling comfortable with himself the way he is. Like you, I also go back and forth between trying to be super supportive and being exhausted from him and needing to take care of myself and my future. I've been with him for almost 8 years and I am wondering how much longer I am going to wait for him to come out of this fog. And if he doesn't see that it's a problem, I am not very hopeful that he will come out of it any time soon! We were supposed to get married in mid-August, but we decided to cancel it due to financial issues(for the whole family). His depression and general lack of motivation were more at the core of the reason why I wanted to post pone it... I am waiting to see if he is going to get himself on track with his life and feel better about himself. He is unhappy in his job but not willing to take a chance and try something new, he is constantly on the computer looking for new career options but does absolutely nothing to actually investigate them in person. He still lives with his parents, and I am just waiting for him to value himself and grow up!

I guess it's hard for me to give you advice, b/c it sounds like both of our boyfriends are depressed and we are getting to the point that we need to focus on what is best for us.

I think my boyfriend has been depressed for most all of our relationship, and in the past I was hopeful that my boyfriend would come out of it with my encouragement. I am more skeptical now and it is very difficult b/c I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him. I know for sure though, that any problem that a couple has before getting married does not get any better after getting married. It will keep appearing in one way or another and will cause problems.

I think my boyfriend is scared of having children b/c he knows he is not ready for them. He won't say this but he says agreeingly "I"m fine with it if you don't want kids" when I have said over and over that I DO want kids... It's like he is trying to change my mind in a sort of brainwashing way... Weird!

I don't know how long you have been in a relationship with your boyfriend, but be grateful at least that he is able to see how stressed or depressed he is before you two get married. I know how hard it is to love someone with depression and want to help him, but we can't do it by ourselves. Make sure he keeps going to his counselor, and I've heard that the meds don't work as well if drinking alcohol (which my BF does too, sneakily by himself!!). Know that you are not alone!

sunflowergirlie

8/ 8/09 10:28am

I am going through the same thing. i know how you feel.

I have been dealing with a depressed boyfriend for a year now. He always gets better, starts missing me like crazy, cries for me and begs me to take him back. After a few weeks together, he becomes cold, cruel and doesnt want me in his life. Last time we got back together, we got engaged and were supposed to get married this September. Well, guess what. He broke off our engagement over the phone two days ago. Said that he shoud be happiest man alive now, but is not, so we should not get married....Unfortunatelly for me, he always starts the meds and therapy, but when he feels a little better, he stops right away , cause he thinks he can do it now, and he hates the pills. And boom, we are back on the marry go round. I hate this disease, its destroying him, me, us.

I know you are so much in love ( so am i ), but I just keep asking myself lately, do I want to grow old with this unstable man and bring my children to this world with him?

Its painfull. I know he will be missing me like crazy in a week or so again, but I also dont believe he will do anything differently this time...

sadnco

12/ 5/09 11:18am

I have a similiar situation and need advise. My finace and I got engaged 7/09, planned for destination wedding 5/10. We have been happy, no major issues then on thanksgiving he tells me out of the blue "his feelings have changed". He says he loves me but doesn't know if I am the right person now. Then proceeds to say how I have been the best girlfriend and he couldn't ask for more. When talking to him he says how unhappy he is with his life. He says if he isn't happy with himself, he can't make me happy. I understand that, yet he won't seek help, read a book about cold feet vs depression ect. He has pushed me away. I feel he is either depressed or having cold feet. I am trying to support, but it is wearing on me...and now Im depressed. Please help

Patiencenot

12/12/09 1:44pm

Hi,

I am going through a similar thing here. Unfortunately we live in separate countries. Its a complicated story, but he suffers depression as a result of post traumatic stress disorder. He is not a war veteran but he did go through a major traumatic event before I met him. He is in the process of building up his life again, including his work life which is getting there slowly but surely. He suffers from depression as a result of the PTSD which really does fluctuate, sometimes quite badly. I have also suffered from quite bad depression in the past, but I am mostly over it, although I do get wee lapses from time to time especially in the winter.

He is going through a bad time just now even though his work prospects are getting better, his income isnt ( he is self employed) and he sees that as a mark of failure.

I also think that he pushes me away because his previous partner abandoned him just when he was most vulnerable.

Despite all that he does admit that he prefers to be with me than anyone, even if he cant talk to me when he is like this.

Its very difficult for a partner to deal with these things without thinking its their fault. I have been there and felt that, and still do sometimes. It takes all my effort to 'not retaliate' if he is in an angry mood. He is never violent its always just that you know he is angry.

I love him so much that I have learned to try to keep my mouth shut even though sometimes I am hurting (I didnt always do this or think to do this). It doesnt always work, especially when he tells me he would be lucky if he died in a car crash, but thats better than actually planning to die which I know he did when the traumatic event occurred.

Time has to play a part in all of these things, and patience. The patience factor is essential in the partners role, but I dont think it means rolling over and playing dead. Say your bit from time to time (in my opinion) but you also have to be sensitive to what they are thinking. There will be ups and downs. If you really love him then this will still be very difficult, but you will learn as you go... both of you.

I dont know if this is any help to the original poster or not. I hope it has but I hope that things have sorted out by now with any luck.

Maybe it will help someone else finding this post while looking for help.

Good luck to anyone reading it

LovingHim

1/16/10 12:22pm

Boomer,

I noticed that your post is from 2008, and I hope that your fiance and you are living happily together now. I am living with a fiance who has not went to try to get help. Over the last two months he has changed DRAMATICALLY. I am devastated by all of this. He has been wanting children and looking forward to the day he got married, since he was 18. He is now 29 years old, never married and here recently put off his marriage with me. We have been together for three years this up coming June. We have talked for four years before this though. His Grandmother almost died in November, but pulled through and is now in a nursing home. His father also told him a few months ago that the bottom of his heart was not working. He has pushed me away and has started talking to me like I am nothing to him anymore. We live together, but within the last two months, he has been spending nights and sometimes days at his Mom or Dads house. He tells me that he has so many things running through his head and he can'r distinguish which is which. He says that being alone and trying to figure these things out is all that he knows how to do. I am the first "real" relationship that he has had. He was in a relationship for 5 years with a girl from high school, who just used him for money. The next five years after that break up he had dates here and there, and talked to me through those years. We got together in 2007. The first year of that relationship was perfect, the second was rocky. I have never had anyone that truly cared for me, and I needed time I guess to adjust. I guess that is when I was in the wrong. I have changed in many ways within the last year, and he is pleased with the changes. Yet, he has now changed and it feels as though my whole life is tummling down. He does'nt send me sweet text here and there anymore. The phone calls never come unless I call him, and I usually have to ring it off the hook to get an answer. I am starting to try to give him space and room to breath; but leaving me in the dark and never communicating with me, to try to figure his emotions out, just kills me. I don't know where to turn to anymore. He told me the other day that he sent a letter to his old psychiatrist from when he was a kid. Along with, he is saving money to go see her. Please help if you can?

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