My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. We had been together for over a year and for the first six months I could not have asked for a better relationship I thought I had found the one. Despite it being long distance we made it work and made every effort when we did see each other. In May last year I started to notice that he wasn’t himself. He became very irritable and lost interest in a lot of things. I blamed it on external issues. His unhappiness grew steadily worse. People around him started asking if he was alright. I persuaded him to seek advice from the doctor – whos response was it being either depression or a virus.
Our relationship became strained for a variety of reasons. After a huge argument after Christmas he told me that he never followed up with the doctor as he was so scared that he had depression and that maybe he should book another appointment. Although he did not go out drinking often, when he did he had no memory of what had happened and each time he seemed to get into a fight with someone. He put on a lot of weight, isolated himself from his friends and became increasingly unable to make decisions. We went on a break shortly after new year to give each other some space. He called and told me what he and the doctor had said and it was clear that he had merely skimmed the surface with what had been going on over the last six months. The doctor blamed this behaviour on increased stress due to him starting up his own business and issues with his family. He was advised to take time off work.
After a long phone call we agreed to get back together and give things another go. The following weekend, after too many hours in the pub he returned home barely able to stand. He said some extremely hurtful things and tried to hit me twice. I was so angry and hurt by the things he had said. I called his sister and found out he had tried to do this with her a few weeks earlier. The next day I told him what had happened as he had no recollection of the previous nights events and he was disgusted with himself and had no recollection of the incident with his sister. I told him that I would not go on like this and I saw no reason to continue if he behaved in that way. I booked him another doctors appointment and he asked if I would come with him. The doctor banned him from drinking as he could not prescribe him medication as a result. I voiced my concerns over him having depression to which the doctor responded “you say depression, I say mood”. His next appointment is booked for early February.
Over the last two weeks he has upheld his word and has not touched a drink. I knew it was going to be tough but thought that he now he had accepted it, things would take time but he had started his recovery. Over the next two weeks, things between us got better. We compromised over a few things and his mood seemed better. He came down to visit the weekend past and it was as if he had taken a 180 turn. I got upset as we had bickered constantly since he arrived. We had a long chat and decided things weren’t getting any better and the pressure on us both was too much. He said that he only loved me sometimes and when I asked what times did he not love me he said when we were arguing. He hated making me upset and didn’t think our relationship had improved over the last two weeks. I was devastated. I told him that I had fought so hard for us and tried my best to support him and yet he didn’t seem to be doing anything to improve it. I told him I was still angry for what he had done to me and that apologies were only words. He said that he just wanted to bury the incident and couldn’t explain how ashamed he was of it. Nor did he know where to begin making it up to me. He wanted to remain friends and said that he would keep in touch but that now just wasn’t the time for us. We agreed that in a couple of months if we missed each other we would see how things went and left it at that. Although i am gutted about it, its best for both of us.
I am left in a situation where I am unsure whether him acting like this over the last six months is because of depression or whether its just the way he is. Or if he will ever be the same person he was six months ago. I also don’t know whether our relationship had simply run its course or whether its depression talking. The doubts in my head are caused by him telling me that he only loved me sometimes and that a lot of the things he said were to make me feel better. Yet he says that he doesn’t want to hurt me and doesn’t think hes good enough for me. I found out today that the night we broke up he went out drinking. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up and think that if I contact him in the next while it will only push him away. I know it will take time to move on but am unsure how I can if I don’t know that he is going to continue with getting help. I know I have faults of my own and need a lot of reassurance which doesn’t help matters. I also know that this is something he needs to do himself. I just feel lost and confused about it all.
