My experience with a similar problem is that of the depressed man alternating between loving responsiveness when well to constant abuse when ill. When I came out of a depressed period, I'd regret the abuse and assure my wife that the behavior was due to the depression and wasn't aimed at her - "it's not you."

But that didn't matter - she lived with that behavior, when I was completely distant, angry, blaming, wanting only to escape the life I was leading. The emotional roller coaster I put her on destroyed her trust in me and just wore her down. Depression was no excuse for treating her in that way. (By the way, I've written a lot about this on my personal blog, Storied Mind - there's a listing of some of the relevant posts on the sidebar.

So she confronted me directly and said she couldn't take any more unless I got help. I knew well that I had depressive disorder and had been treated in the past, but it was easy to deny the severity of it or even believe that I was slipping back into it. I didn't want to lose her and so started treatment and medication once again.

My advice is, forget tactful. He's not getting the message, even after divorce, and seems to deny the need for any help. He has to get some and work on his problems before, I believe, he can have a really intimate relationship. I understand your own ambivalence and your wanting back the kind of relationship it has been at its best. But you've painted a portrait of a man who is abusing your love and trust and is insensitive to your needs and feelings. He wants to be sure he has your love, but - and forgive my going this far -  I get the impression that it's more for the sake of control rather than love. You describe a situation that is causing you too much pain and can only make you feel worse.

I would urge you to see a therapist for yourself - preferably someone who is sensitive to the problems of abuse. (I know abuse is a strong word to use, but that's what your description brings to mind.) However you do it, take care of yourself first.

My very best  --  John

synergy_xo

11/23/10 4:09pm

Thanks for the response. He was my ex boyfriend (thank goodness we weren't married!) You know, you're absolutely right that it has to do with control. It makes sense when evaluating his childhood and the little control he had over things growing up. 

 

I am supposed to see him on Friday. He has been emailing/texting me during the last few days, but yet he doesn't actually seem to really care when I respond. When I don't respond (because I'm busy), he will shortly send me another message to ensure that I'm responsive. Despite his overbearing signals and persistency to being in contact with me, a part of me thinks at this point now he wants to be physical and that's it. Or maybe like you said, it all just comes down to wanting the control back.

 

Does it matter if I confront him about his issues via email or is it best to do in person?

 

Thanks again John, I read all your postings.

 

 

 

 

John Folk-Williams, Health Guide

11/24/10 12:03pm

Hi -

 

Hey, this is new to me - I don't usually give such direct advice - but here's what I'd do if I were struggling with this kind of relationship. I could be way off so take it as a suggestion for what it's worth.

 

Of course, this is up to you, but from what you've said about seeing him in person it seems that all your good feelings come to the surface. You want to believe that things will work out. So I would suggest email where you can focus just on the firmness of the message. That message is already there in what you've written - his "overbearing signals" - "he doesn't seem to really care" when you do respond - what you said in the original post about his insensitivity to your feelings - his on-off charm that doesn't translate to intimacy - and a lot more. And give the clear message that you don't want to hear from him until he's seriously working on his depression and learns what a real relationship requires - I can't be sure how that should go. I'd leave out the part about understanding his past.

 

It's easy for me to be cooly analytical - I can hear how hard and confusing this is. But however you manage it, the key thing is to put yourself, your feelings and needs first and get all the support you need.

 

John