I suffer from depression and bi polar. I don't know what else to say. I just want it to be done and over with.
Why can't you call for help? What's the worst thing that would happen. I'm giving you a couple of numbers you can call anonymously for help if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself:
Are you seeing a doctor or getting any kind of help? Are you on medication? I don't know quite what else to tell you, not knowing anything else about you. Can you talk about what's going on that is making you want to kill yourself? Please remember that you're just wishing to escape the pain, you don't need to end your life to do so. And the people in your life will be left with pain for the rest of their lives. I hope you'll let yourself get some help and let us know how you're doing.
I am afraid to reach out for help because I don't want to be hospitalized again. I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist who monitors my meds. I am on Lithium, Effexor, Lamictal and Seroquel. I am to the point where I am cutting again, but, am keeping it hidden from others. My therapist doesn't know how I am truly doing right now because I am afraid to be honest right now. I have a daughter who I don't want to know how I am doing either. She is only 7. I feel like I am on a downward spiral and am about to crash.
Please tell your therapist the truth! You can't be hospitalized without your consent, but if you do need to be, maybe it would be for the best. Your therapist can't help you if you don't tell the truth. Believe me, you will feel better when you are honest, it will relieve a big burden from you. And, at some level, your daughter probably senses that things aren't right. We think we can hide these things from people, but I can say from experience, they do know. Maybe you need different medication - you need to tell your psychiatrist that you are still feeling this badly. You asked what you should do - this is what I'm saying. My opinion, of course, but I have dealt with this kind of thing in myself and family members for years. It never works to be dishonest, you might as well not go to therapy if you're hiding stuff like this. I can understand your reasons for it, but you need to tell the truth anyway. I really hope you will stop pretending and get the help you need. Your daughter needs you to be well!
I am in agreement with all of your commenters. You don't want to crash. Please get help now. I really think you can prevent a crisis if you act now and tell your therapist or doctor the truth. This way you can get the help that you need. You won't be able to hide your downward spiral over time. Your daughter needs you. Let your therapist know what is going on.
We are here for you...any time you want to write. Let us know how things go okay?
I know the feeling. I have felt this many times. I do not think I will ever kill myself..deliberately. My son did which has affected me. I do believe though one can die earlier by not taking care of oneself. That body, mind and spirit connection brings us all to death at some point. I am choosing to try and live each moment as if it were my last. Sometimes that sounds like bs even to me. Today though it is how I feel. Yesterday, I almost wrote that this site is the only place I felt free to say how I feel at any given moment.
I live with a 25 pound disheartened heart that can no longer and my logic tells ma that at 64 it is over for me. I have little or no interests and one friend and a girl friend that wants to pack it in and live day to day. I am tired of my insanity and want to die . Simple. I started plans to do it after christmas.
Im not gonna tell you its going to get better. I cant say that. But what I can tell you is that you clearly have control over your mind, and you are clearly sane. Insane people dont recognize that they are, infact, insane. So being sane enough to realise you are insane kinda immediatly obliterates the possiblity of insanity. Neat, huh? :)
One thing to remember..You're not alone. Seriously, life can get pretty sucky. Im 25 years old and have experienced more pain, more medical treatments and more emotional and interpersonal troubles than most people will in their lives. When I was going through weekly dental work, I started to sink down again. But its then that I had what would forever extinguish suciidal thoughts. I realised that there was one way, and ONLY one way, to ensure that my lot would never improve. That way was suicide.
As a result, while I may flirt with the notion during my experiences of extreme pain and terror, especially the sort that i got when trying to go to the bathroom that is so intense it initiates fear of lifelong pain and massive panic attacks, i always remind myself that its the only way I can be absolutely sure my life wont improve. Things can get really hard, I know. Im still looking for a name for my condition that has given me pain to such an extent that I cant be touched, ever. But I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring, and even through the pain and depression, I must hold out hope for a better tomorrow.
Life is short enough as it is. Any moment you're alive and yourself shold be held onto as a unique and very weird and wonderful experience. it is so completely unlikely that any of us would actually exist in a form that can be considerd a narrative "self" that I think we should do our utmost to ensure its survival.
I still get asked who im coming to pick up when i go see my new doctors, as im usually the youngest person there by at least 50 years. The pity in peoples eyes as they slowly realise that im the one being treated is really hard to put aside. But sucky, painful, lonely and difficult as life may be, its mine and im going to see this out to the bitter end, even if I must delve into the surreal to make it happen. When people ask why im so down, I respond along the lines of "Because the moon wont stop mocking me with its height." Strangeness has a great effectiveness in distracting from the mundane.