My Diabulimia

My blood sugar started being high on a regular basis seeing that I was only on one injection a day, but all that really happened was I felt pretty tired, that was it so I persevered. At this point I had girl friends that used to stay at my house and we would giggle about gossip and all sorts, however when we where in our pyjama shorts, or even a PE shorts and school skirts I started to think my legs where so fat compared to the other girls just like I had done in primary school, I used to spent hours looking at my tummy in the mirror and breathing in wanting my stomach to stay the way it looked. I thought that if I wanted to be normal I had to be skinny like all the other girls too. I started weighing myself 3 times a day each time at exactly the same time each day, I noticed that the way that even though I was eating normally I was losing weight, I didn't really get why thought back then because no one had ever told me about diabulimuia or the fact that when your blood sugar is at a constant high you loose weight, I was just happy I was losing weight so I started making plans so I could loose more. I starting binning my lunch again or giving it away, and stopped all unhealthy snacks and started only eating the vegetables on my plate and hiding the carbs when I ate at home with my family and ate as little breakfast as I could without being noticed by my family. My parents at this point had notice I wasn't injecting properly and my bloods where high and my long term sugar was rising so they started watching me at every meal to see if I injected, I started to get cunning at this point, turning the TV really loud so that even if I had injected you wouldn't have heard the clicking of the pen and I just stuck the injection into my stomach but didn't actually inject and insulin I just held it there, a needle in my skin.

I was starting to change from the good girl I used to be, I lied to my parents on a daily basis, I stopped doing my homework, I swore at teachers and because I had a constant high blood sugar I was very edgy and often found myself in a state of verbal conflict with people. I also self-harmed for the first time when a family who had been very close to me moved away and I felt that they where the last people that I had known for years and I didn't want to let them go because I felt they where my last essence of the happy childhood I had experienced. It was nothing major, but would become another problem that plagued my life.

I had dated a few people but as I was only 11 or 12 that lasted what a week? But I started dating S (again named only S because of privacy) who had been a friend of mine for a long time and I confided in him allot. He knew about my problems with food, but not with my insulin. He would try and make me eat at lunch because I would often go for days without eating, yet he didn't realise he was doing more damage than good as I still wouldn't inject. That summer I went on my second diabetes camp, I had been on one when I was still in primary school and had really enjoyed it, I learnt allot of skills there, such as how to inject into my stomach which I was very proud of. But this summer I went onto the teenage camp, most of the people there where struggling with their diabetes as much as I was and I think that was why we where all recommended to the camp. We did lots of sports and it was good, however I became even more self conscious while I was there as some of the older girls teased me a bit about certain things which I really didn't like (who the hell would?). While I was there though I made a discovery which would change my life. Some of the staff talked to the girls about their diagnosis would was a conversation I couldn't really join because I can't remember my diagnosis, but I listened anyway. The where all talking about how they all lost so much weight and the one of the nurses explained that was because of all the excess sugar building up and making the body eat its own fat, she went on for a bit about why this was bad, but I wasn't listening I was thinking would that make me thin? She then said some girls have been known to stop their injections so they would get thin. As she waffled on I thought about this concept more. It was why I was losing weight for no reasons when I stopped doing my injections; in my mind I thought the less insulin the better! I think that all the girls that heard the convocation on the camp where thinking the same thing as me when the nurse said that as I hardly saw anyone doing injections after that. At the end of the week I stopped doing even my long term injection which till then was the only injection I actually did and sure enough more weight came off. However at the end of the week my blood sugar was so high I ended up puking violently which was when I decided that to keep losing weight, but stay out of hospital and have the doctors try and force me to inject and get fat I would have to do a small amount of insulin, so as I came home I did a few units of insulin each day and got thinner and thinner.