[Humor]

I think most of us have had experience with the Diabetes Police. You know what I mean. You’re at your daughter’s wedding, and just to be part of things, you reach for a piece of wedding cake about a half inch in diameter. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Chief of the Diabetes Police appears, grabs the cake out of your hand and says, “You can’t eat that. You’re a diabetic.”

Well, I’d like to suggest a similar citizen posse: the Language Police. The Language Police would listen to conversations and peek through keyholes and arrest medical professionals (I’d hate to be arrested myself, so I’m limiting the target population) who uttered certain hackneyed phrases, especially those listed below. Punishment would be severe, as outlined later. Following are the phrases to avoid:

Brisk walking.  Everyone tells you that you should do X minutes a day of “brisk walking,” but almost no one tells you exactly what brisk walking is. For some people, brisk walking probably means anything faster than a waddle. For others, it means walking up steep hills carrying 50-pound barbells in each hand and pretending to enjoy it.

Someone told me her doctor defined “brisk walking” as pretending you were late to an appointment. Sorry. That wouldn’t work for me. If I were late for an appointment I’d hail a cab. If I couldn’t get a cab I’d just give up and go home, walking very slowly and dejectedly. I mean, why knock yourself out walking very fast just to listen to a lecture by the receptionist about the importance of arriving on time and when do you want to reschedule the appointment?

Artery clogging. Fat used to be artery clogging. Then only saturated fat was artery clogging. Then trans fats were artery clogging. By next year, bottled water will probably be artery clogging.

What does artery clogging mean, anyway? It makes you think the fats or whatever is artery clogging this month are turning into sludge and all you need is a shot of Draino and your arteries will be clear. But in fact, that’s not the way it works. Some fats do contribute to the formation of plaque in your arteries, and the plaque does narrow your arteries.

But they’ve discovered that the narrowing of the arteries is not as dangerous as what is called unstable plaque or plaque that is likely to rupture and release truly artery-clogging clots that can close off important small vessels in the brain or heart. Referring to things as artery clogging just impedes our understanding of the true state of things, and this term is not in my vocabulary (I hope).

Eat more fruits and vegetables. “Eat more fruits and vegetables” has become the mantra of the Aughties, the solution to all problems medical and probably social and political as well. Like most clichés, it contains a grain of truth. Most Americans do eat too many starches, sugars, and highly processed foods, and they would be better off eating more zucchini and broccoli instead.