Editor's note: This is a humorous post and is not intended to be taken literally.
Q: I was just diagnosed with diabetes, and the doctor said, "You should never eat sugar." Is that correct?
A: Because I'm writing this on National Punctuation Day, I thought I should clarify your question. Are you sure the doctor didn't say, "You should never eat, Sugar"? If so, you should tell your doctor that you don't like being called "Sugar" or "Honey" or "Cupcake." None of those things are good for your diabetes.
Q: How many pancakes can I eat on my diabetic diet?
A: You can eat a lot as long as they're Becker's Patented Minipancakes, which are 1 mm in diameter. To purchase, send a check or money order for $100 as soon as possible. Allow several decades for delivery. All minipancakes come complete with an eye dropper for adding the syrup.
A: The doctor probably meant you should bleach your hair and then go jogging. Blonde joggers get a lot more positive attention, and this tends to reinforce the exercise.
Q: My doctor said if I don't get my blood sugar down, she's going to put me on pills. Why would she want to put me on the pill?
A: Well, if you dye your hair blonde and you're on the pill, the doctor might think you'll get a lot more exercise.
Q: I have type 1 diabetes and I'm too thin. What's the easiest way to gain some weight?
A: Try to get type 2. That does it every time.
Q: My CDE told me that to help prevent kidney damage, she was going to prescribe an ACE bandage. Or I think that's what she said. Wouldn't it be easier to protect my kidneys (not to mention my nose) if I just stopped boxing?
A: If you stop boxing, you'll get less exercise and you'll gain weight, and then you might have to wrap the ACE bandage around your stomach. An ACE inhibitor might be a better choice.
Q: What's your favorite diet? Do you prefer high carb or low carb?
A: I have always preferred a low-liver, low-steak-and-kidney pie, high-chocolate diet. This works OK for diabetes as long as you use fake sugar in the chocolate.
Q: Every single sample menu for people with diabetes includes a turkey sandwich on whole-grain bread with an apple. Why is this?
A: At their graduation ceremony, dieticians all buy stock in turkey- and apple-producing companies.
Q: My dietician weighs 350 pounds and keeps telling me to lose weight. How can I help her lose weight?
A: Tell her she has no willpower. She's probably addicted and can't control herself when she sees plates loaded with turkey sandwiches on whole-grain bread with apples.
Q: What's your opinion of Avandia?
A: Don't buy stock.
Q: My dietician said I should eat tub margarine. Why?
A. I think you forgot to type a few words. She probably said you should eat a tub of margarine. This is because most people with type 2 diabetes have huge appetites, and she thought this would fill you up.
Q: What is a fat fast?
A: It's another word for type 2 diabetes. When you have insulin resistance, you get fat fast.
Q: I always like to get my lab results lower than normal. How can I get my blood pressure down to zero?
A: That's easy. Eat huge meals containing lots of trans fat, luncheon meat, and highly processed starches and sugars [an entire large pepperoni pizza is a good choice], washed down with sugary drinks like orange juice. Quit your job and spend all day in a recliner, watching TV.
Q: The dietician said to control my portion sizes. I already do. They're always large. Am I doing the right thing?
A: Absolutely, if you want to get your blood pressure down to zero.
Q: At diabetes symposia, what's the most frequently asked question?
A: Where's the bathroom?
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Published On: September 25, 2007