Need a New Diet?

Gretchen Becker Health Guide
  • Editor's note: This is a humorous post and is not intended to be taken literally.


    One of the most contentious topics on various diabetes lists is diet. There are the low-carb fanatics, the low-fat fanatics, the low-GI fanatics, the vegan fanatics, the portion-control fanatics, the "all things in moderation" fanatics, and the "a healthy diet for a diabetic is the same as a healthy diet for everyone" fanatics.


    Mention that you're trying one diet and you're apt to get a slew of vitriolic posts lambasting you because you're not following some other diet that the writer prefers.

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    I think most of us are familiar with the diet approaches I've just mentioned. In case someone is looking for something new, I thought I'd summarize the latest to appear on the diet front.



    The No-Carb Diet

    On this diet, you remove the carburetor, affectionately referred to as a "carb," from your vehicle. Without a carb most vehicles won't run very well, although with some vehicles, such as my 1990 pickup, it's difficult to see much difference.


    When your vehicle won't run, you'll have to walk to work, and the increased exercise should help you lose weight.



    The Black Diet

    On the Black Diet, you eat only black foods. Because you'll soon tire of blackened fish, burned veggies, squid ink, black soybeans, and licorice and there aren't a heck of a lot of other black foods, you'll eat a heck of a lot less.


    The long-term effects of this diet are unknown as no one has managed to stay on it for more than two meals.



    The Dollhouse Diet

    With the Dollhouse Diet, you can eat anything you want, as long as you eat it on tiny dollhouse plates, using dollhouse cutlery. Each plate will hold approximately 1 pea, and most dieters soon tire of trying to manipulate the tiny knives and forks that they are required to use and get up to do something more interesting, like mowing the lawn.


    The High Fibber Diet

    This is a very popular diet, because on the High Fibber Diet, you can eat whatever you want. You just fib about it.


    Unfortunately, most people don't lose a lot of weight on a High Fibber Diet, but at least you can swear to your health care professionals that you really are on a diet and it's not your fault that you're not losing.


    The High Blubber Diet

    Most people don't realize it, but Eskimos living a native lifestyle actually tend to be rather thin. They just look fat because they have round faces and wear a lot of furry clothing.


    So if they're thin, it must be because of all the whale blubber they eat, which means that whale blubber must be a wonderful diet aid. [I suppose hiking for miles across the frozen tundra in search of game might have a tiny effect too, but I'm sure the whale blubber is the critical factor.]


    On the High Blubber Diet, you can eat whatever you want as long as you've had a couple of pounds of whale blubber before you start your meal. In fact, you can have all the whale blubber you want. In my case, that's about a half ounce every other Leap Year, which makes it sort of difficult to eat much at all.


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    Which is the point.


    The Potion-Control Diet

    On the Potion Control Diet, you can eat a regular diet but you have to control your potion sizes. This diet is very difficult for certified witches to follow.


    If you're not a witch, you have to watch your lotions as well as your potions. If you have notions that going through the motions of watching your potions and lotions will be a problem, you might want to try some other diet instead.


    The Scottish Diet

    You have to remember that this is not the Scotch Diet, which is a version of the Drinking Man's Diet.


    On the Scottish Diet, you limit most foods, but you can eat all the haggis you want. You also have to perform the Highland Fling before every meal, which can make you just a wee bit unpopular with the waiters when you're in a crowded restaurant.


    When you eat at home, you must wear a kilt and listen to bagpipe music during dinner. In this situation, diners often leave the table before they've had time to eat much, which of course reduces the caloric intake.


    The Big Mac Diet

    On the Big Mac diet, a Scotsman named Scrooge MacDonald, who weighs 250 pounds, monitors everything you eat. Most of MacDonald's weight is in his biceps, which is where he got the nickname Big Mac.


    If you eat more calories than are prescribed on your eating plan, Big Mac boxes your ears if he's in a good mood, and knocks you out cold if he's not.


    Being unconscious tends to reduce your food intake.

Published On: October 11, 2007