Well, it's time for resolutions again. Or it was a week or so ago; I tend to be a procrastinator. I've never been much into New Year's Resolutions or giving things up for Lent, but I thought this year I'd try.
I did give up watermelon for Lent one year when everyone else at my school was giving things up and I wanted to join the crowd. I figured watermelon was pretty safe. A couple of days later a strange relish appeared on the table for dinner.
"What's that?" I asked
"Watermelon pickle," answered a friend.
I felt someone was trying to tell me something.
Of course no one ever keeps their New Year's Resolutions longer than a week or two, so I've decided to make resolutions I don't want to keep.
Hence I resolve to:
1. Take up smoking
Every health advisory I've ever read said you can vastly improve your health and your blood glucose control if you give up smoking. It's difficult to give up smoking if you've never smoked, and I don't think it's fair for me to be deprived of the opportunity of gaining this tremendous health benefit. So I guess I'd better start.
2. Gain weight
Every time I try to lose weight, I become obsessed with food, eat more, and gain weight. So I figure if I set out to gain weight, I'll probably become nauseated at the thought of food, eat less, and lose weight without any effort whatsoever.
3. Stop exercising
Exercise for the sake of exercise is a total bore. I like being active. Taking walks or cross-country skiing is fun. But I don't do a lot of formal exercise like walking on a treadmill or jumping up and down to a catchy tune. I tried jumping up and down with a jump rope once, but it kept hitting the ceiling and the floor creaked so badly I was afraid the floorboards would break.
So because I don't exercise in a formal way, it will be difficult to stop. But I'll try.
4. Watch more TV
This will be a difficult one, as I don't get TV in the valley where I live, and I'm too stingy to sign up for satellite. But maybe I can walk over to the neighbor's and watch their TV.
5. Drink more beer
This one is also going to be difficult, because I hate beer. Even when I spent a year at a German university, where nuns used to hand out bottles of beer at the charity student cafes where I often ate, I turned them down. But no sacrifice is too great when it comes to your health.
6. Read fewer science books and more cheap novels
Unfortunately, I tend to fall asleep when I try to read cheap novels. They all seem to have the same plot. But perhaps if I drink enough beer while I'm reading the cheap novels I'll start to enjoy them.
7. Spend less time cleaning house
As I currently spend about 10 minutes a year cleaning, when the dust gets so deep I need snowshoes to get from one room to the other, this resolution might be difficult to carry out, but I'll certainly do my best.
8. Eat more trans fats
I feel sort of sorry for trans fats. Most people don't really understand what they are, but everyone hates them anyway. No one wants to eat them. Probably in 50 years they'll discover that trans fats prevent cancer or something, so I thought I'd get a head start and gobble them down now. In 50 years I'm willing to bet the farm that I won't have cancer. If I do, they'll have to dig me up to treat it.
9. Get less sleep
Sleeping is almost as boring as reading cheap novels, although at least you don't have to hold the book up while you sleep. Studies have shown that not getting enough sleep is a form of stress that increases your risk of getting diabetes. Now that I have diabetes I'm not too concerned about my risk of getting diabetes, however, so getting less sleep would give me more time to snarf up more trans fats.
10. Stop eating so many low-carb veggies
This is going to be really, really hard, because I love low-carb veggies. I've reached the point at which a plate doesn't look full unless there's something green on it. Even eggs need greenery. I suspect I'll slip up on this resolution now and then and grab a hunk of broccoli when no one is looking. But I'll try my best.
No one ever keeps their New Year's Resolutions. The wonderful thing about my mine is that when I don't keep them, I'll be healthier than ever; it's a win-win situation. I'll be healthier, and the trans fats won't get eaten alive.
Published On: January 07, 2008