Everyone tells us we should get regular exercise. I'd like to be able to say that I play a couple of games of squash every day. But I don't. I would, of course, if I just had my own squash court, so it's not really my fault. It might also help if I knew how to play squash.
That's just one of the many excuses I can come up with for not exercising. In case you've run out of excuses yourself, here are a couple of handy ideas.
1. In the winter: It's too cold. I might damage my lungs by going for a walk when it's 10 below zero.
2. In the summer: It's too hot. I might have a heart attack if I went for a walk when it's almost 100 with humidity of 90%.
3. When it's too hot or too cold, I'd go to the gym except that the closest gym is about 20 miles away, and I'm trying to save the planet by conserving gas.
4. I'm trying to form a Senior Lacrosse Team, but I can't seem to work up any enthusiasm among my friends.
5. I'd use my treadmill except I gave it away to a man who had just had a heart attack, and I figured he needed it more than I did. No sacrifice too great.
6. I'd ride my bike if the tires weren't flat.
7. I'd play tennis, but the tennis racquet I bought in 1955 seems to be in less-than tip-top condition and I don't have a tennis court.
8. I'd go out and weed the garden except the Black Flies take hunks out of my skin that could become infected and never heal, mosquitoes carry encephalitis and West Nile Fever, and ticks carry Lyme disease.
All the magazines say to stay indoors at dawn and dusk so you don't get mosquito bites. Other articles say to stay indoors from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. to avoid getting skin cancer from the sun. Between dawn and 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. and dusk the Black Flies are heavy. And the deer ticks are always there.
Insectwise, the best approach seems to be to spend the day cowering inside worrying about fleas and spiders.
9. I'd go swimming, but the local swimming hole has become "clothing optional," and I feel it would be a form of cruel and unusual punishment to expose the public to my unclothed body.
10. I'd use the stair-stepper that used to be on my front porch, but I figured just lifting the thing into my pickup from the roadside where it saw with a big FREE sign, and then lifting out out again, dragging it to the porch, and getting it up there was enough exercise for about a year.
11.. I'd spend a happy hour lifting heavy weights but the dog ate the instruction manual. Or I'm sure he would have if I owned a dog.
12. I was planning to exercise this morning, but I just took a bath and put on clean clothes, and I'd hate to get them dirty and sweaty.
13. I could go for a long, slow walk, which wouldn't work up a sweat, but I just read an article saying it's essential for your health to get sufficient sleep, so I should probably take a nap instead.
What's your excuse?