The advice we get from our doctors usually makes medical sense. But following it is not easy.
You know: Eat less. Exercise more. Stick yourself with needles. Hey, that's no fun.
On the other hand, the advice we get from Quack Gretchen, MD (no relation, of course) usually makes no sense whatsoever. But at least it's painless. Here are some her recent responses to questions you all wanted to ask but were to shy to ask your doctor.
Q. My CDE keeps tell me to lose Wade. At least I think that's what she said. Wade is my favorite grandson, and I really don't want to lose him, but yesterday I misplaced him. Will that work just as well?
A. Diabetes can be precipitated by too much Wade. You know. You're married to Wade. Your father-in-law is named Wade. His father is named Wade. Your son and six cousins are named Wade. That's simply too much Wade, and trying to keep track of who the conversation is about is stressful, which can lead to diabetes.
Losing some of the Wades may help. However, misplacing Wade has not yet been evaluated in a double-blinded controlled trial that was peer-reviewed and published in a major medical journal. Let us know if it works for you.
Q. I've read that curry is good for diabetes and heart diseases. I'm a groom in a big racing stable, and I curry horses all day. Will that help my diabetes?
A. It might. But I think currying favors will work better. I always try to curry favor with stockbrokers, shipping magnates, or a rock stars who will support me in the style to which I'd like to become accustomed for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, so far it hasn't worked. I met a rock star once, but he turned out to be an impoverished geologist.
Q. I was just diagnosed with diabetes. What should I eat?
A. I always recommend eating food. Consuming wallpaper paste, rocks, or small toys is not a good approach. It's also expensive.
Q. My doctor told me I need to have my blood tested. What does blood have to do with diabetes?
A. One possibility is that your doctor is a vampire. Check into this before you give a lot of blood. If you're over 50, you've probably heard of "tired blood." Maybe the doctor thinks you suffer from "dumb blood" and wants to give your blood an IQ test.
Q. Why does the nurse weigh me every time I go to see the doctor?
A. If your doctor is a cannibal, it's to make sure you're fattening up nicely before the feast. Otherwise, I think they do it just to cause stress. That makes your blood pressure go up, and then they can prescribe expensive blood pressure reducing pills.
Q. Some people are telling me I should go on a low-crab diet, and other people say I should go on a high-crab diet. Which is better? I live in Maryland, where the soft-shell crabs are famous.
A. I wish I were able to be on a high-crab diet, but crab is so expensive I'm forced to make do with a low-crab diet. Despite this, however, a lot of people say I'm very crabby.
Q. My eye doctor said I need a dilated eye exam. What does that mean.
A. It means he'll dilate the price.
Q. My doctor said I should aim for Norma glycemia. Who is Norma, and why is her blood glucose level so perfect?
A. Norma is one of those people everyone hates because everything she does is perfect. Doctors use her lab results to set the standard for everything. Her great-uncle Harpo, who later changed his name to Marx, had low values for all the lab tests. When you have Harpo glycemia, you should eat some carbohydrate to get your blood sugar levels back up.
Q. Some of your answers seem a little odd to me. Do you really have a doctor of medicine degree?
A. Did I ever say I did? MD stands for "may be delusional."
Want to keep the mood light? Read more humorous posts from Gretchen:
Published On: July 30, 2008