Exercising My Stomach
*Please note this post is one of humor and should not be interpreted literally*
I've been reading about digestion and came across the comment that digesting our food consumes about 20% of our energy. The muscles in the stomach have to contract, as well as the muscles in the intestines, to push all that food through the digestive system. Not to mention all that exhausting chewing.
Wow! It suddenly hit me. If digesting food exercises my muscles, then the more food I eat, the more exercise I would get.
I called up my CDE and said I was cancelling my appointment to train for the marathon and the Iron Elder weight-lifting contest. I was just going to eat all day instead.
I live out in the boonies, far removed from grocery stores, and I didn't want to waste any time driving to the store when I could be exercising, so I wired for a helicopter to dump a huge pile of food on the front lawn. Then I sat down to exercise.
First I had a couple of pounds of bacon with a dozen eggs. I felt a tad full after that, but I told myself exercise is good for me, so I kept going. A dish of whipped cream would have gone down easily, but then I wouldn't have had the benefit of all that chewing, so I opted for a pound of beef jerky instead.
That took so long, it was almost lunchtime before I was done, and I confess I was feeling a bit bloated, but I know you're not supposed to stop exercising just because you're a little tired, so I kept going.
For lunch I had a HUGE salad, with lots of lettuce that required more chewing. I usually add some kind of meat like leftover chicken to my salads, but after all that bacon and beef jerky, I somehow didn't feel much like eating more meat.
It took me a long time to finish the salad. I can't imagine why. I had at least one forkful every five minutes. Sometimes I was tempted to give up the stomach exercise, but then I thought about how proud the CDE would be of me, and I kept on going.
During the afternoon, I slowly downed a huge pile of almonds. I think it was about a pound. They're very crunchy, so my sore jaw muscles got even more exercise. I think my stomach did too, although it was so full I'm not sure the muscles were able to contract a lot.
For supper I had an entire chicken, a couple of pounds of broccoli, and a teaspoon of yogurt for dessert. I spooned out more than that into the dish, but the teaspoonful was all I could cram into my well-expanded stomach.
Then I went to bed. I was exhausted after all that exercise, and as long as I was sleeping I knew I wouldn't have to eat any more. But I looked forward to waking up so I could find out how much weight I'd lost with all this exercise.
The next day I leaped out of bed (well, slowly extricated might be more accurate, as I still felt rather full), weighed myself eagerly, and discovered I'd gained 5 pounds.
Oops. What went wrong? Doesn't exercise help you lose weight? Can't I believe anything I read? Do I need to try a different approach?
After breakfast (a cup of Alka-Seltzer), I sat down at the computer to read the day's news. Aha! I found an article that said "Moderate alcohol intake is associated with higher levels of omega-3 fatty acids in plasma and red blood cells."
Maybe that's the answer! To heck with the exercise, I'll just drink myself into health. They said "moderate." I wonder what that means? Probably no more than a couple of bottles of wine a day. This will work, I'm certain of it.