Setting Reachable New Years Resolutions

Gretchen Becker Health Guide
  • [Humor]


    It's time to make New Year's resolutions again, and if you're like most people, you'll make a passel of resolutions you'll never keep.

    A typical list might be to lose 100 pounds, exercise for 2 hours every day, get plenty of sleep, stop eating anything that tastes good, keep the house spic and span, read Greek plays instead of popular novels, spend less time at the bar and more time with your family, keep all your accounts up to date, pay off your credit card balances, stop watching TV, and spend what is left of your leisure time doing chores for the needy.

    Of course goals like this are impossible to reach, and you'll just feel guilty for not doing so. It makes a lot more sense to me to set goals you can actually reach, so here is my list.

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    1. I vow not to eat watermelon pickle in any month that begins with R. "But there aren't any months that begin with R, you might say." Well, maybe not now, but with all that shortening of words that goes on with text messaging, the first 4 months of the year will soon be Ry, Ruary, Rch, and Ril.

    In fact, I could probably just vow not to eat watermelon pickle at any time, since I hate watermelon pickle.

    2. I vow not to run the Boston Marathon this year. This one shouldn't be difficult to keep. In fact, I the chances are quite good that I won't even walk it.

    3. I vow to change the lancet on my finger pricker no more than once a year. I might forget and change it by mistake, but chances are I'll stick with the tried-and-true once-a-decade system. This lack of expenditures on finger-pricker lancets is probably what is driving the recession.

    4. I vow to feed no birds larger than a great dane. I think I'm safe with this one as long as I don't decide to start an emu farm.

    5. I vow not to drink more than 25 cups of coffee a day. Note that I didn't specify the size of the cups.

    6. I vow not to let my cat eat cheap dry cat food that is full of starch so the cat won't get feline diabetes. This should be pretty easy because I don't have a cat. Just my luck someone will give me one, though.

    7. I vow to gain at least 25 pounds. I might not, in fact, be able to keep this resolution, but I'll sure have a lot of fun trying.

    8. I vow to take up smoking. Doctors are always nagging people to give up smoking because of the health benefits, but you can't give up smoking if you don't smoke, and this has always struck me as terribly unfair. So I thought I should take it up so I can give it up and thereby gain all those health benefits. I'm not sure I can keep this vow, however, as smoking has never appealed to me.

    9. I vow to "eat healthy." Note that recent news reports have pointed out that chocolate, red wine, and coffee are healthy, so I'll do my best to increase my chocolate, red wine, and coffee consumption at every meal, although chocolate and red wine breakfasts are sometimes difficult to find.

    10. I vow not to find a cure for diabetes this year. If I did, what would I have to write about? However, this is the one vow I do hope I break, even if it does make me feel guilty. Imagine a world without diabetes. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were to happen in 2009?


Published On: January 01, 2009