"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." --Anton Chekhov

Spring is around the corner. While I love freshly fallen snow and the beauty of icicles, come February, winter tends to break my spirit and resolve. It's cold. Gray. Blah.

And of course, diabetes is ever present, but my vigilance is waning. Scratch that, my vigilance has waned. I've stopped trying to force results. I've let go of the belief I have full control over staving off looming possibilities for complications. I seem to go through this very thing each year around this time. Daily I straddle the line between feeling empowered to effect change and experiencing how limited my influence is at times. Intention, action, and attention are powerful tools, but they're not all that is at play here.

Truth is, I've given up on some things lately. Stopped working out regularly. Stopped applying for full-time teaching jobs with hotly contested benefits. Stopped searching for that ever elusive PhD funding. Stopped trying so hard. Not everywhere, but in so many areas. And y'know, diabetes doesn't quit, but I've tried to quit it.

Doesn't work, by the way. Don't recommend trying that. The epitome of my giving up and trying to "quit" diabetes came when I was very low on pump supplies but owe the pump company money since insurance is, apparently, no longer contributing. New year. New deductible in the thousands.

So what did I do?

Nothing. I did nothing. Did I call Medtronic and plead my case? No. Did I ask for a loan or assistance paying for supplies? No, I didn't.

Instead, I changed my pump site sparingly. Wallowed in the cold. Spent the better part of the week eating like a squirrel and taking shots instead of pump boluses in an attempt to prolong the pump supplies. Turning slowly. Finally, I asked my sister (also on the pump) for help and she sent me a box of infusion sets. Thank goodness for family. And empathy.

But why let it get to that point? Why would someone who knows better not act better, not advocate on her own behalf? After 20+ years with diabetes, why suffer unnecessarily?

My response is twofold: 1.) Diabetes Burnout, and 2.) Depression. Not exactly the kind of double D's one prefers to have.

Here's the thing: I have been taking care of myself and managing my diabetes for a long time. There are periods where I just feel burnt out and tired. Where I just can't micromanage my bloodsugars and meticulously count every carbohydrate that enters my body. It's a full-time job without guaranteed benefits. I've already got two of those.

Diabetes changes things, but I've said before how overall my depression has been far more debilitating than my diabetes. It's not an excuse for "poor behavior" or lackadaisical diabetes management. It is, however, an explanation. Despite my best attempts, at times, hopelessness descends along with a sense of overwhelm. The tide turns slowly.