Allow me to get all Oprah and Dr. Phil on you for a moment. I had an "a-ha" moment today while watching Dr. Phil. He was speaking about blame and made it crystal clear that Blame implies intent and that in the absence of the intention to do something, there is no need to blame yourself (or another). Blaming yourself is unhealthy and unnecessary. A better choice? To me, it's all about claiming a healthy responsibility for one's actions without self-blame--to develop a curiosity about one's choices, behaviors and subsequent results instead of staying hooked on blame.  It's always in this way--through a curious wonder and the willingness to claim my part of responsibility for things that the insightful and necessary deeper realizations have gently come to me.

How does this relate to diabetes?

I'm sure you can find the link, but for me, I've spent far too much time blaming myself for things that are out of my control. With diabetes, it's a slippery slope. There's a fine line between feeling empowered to change things--stepping up to the plate and admitting that yes, I could be making better choices when it comes to diet and exercise and perhaps my bolus for that meal was off, and falling into the blame game. While it's true I control what goes into my mouth and how much I move my body and how much insulin I program into my pump, it is not true that these things alone contribute to my results. There is not always a clear link between how many units of insulin I program, what I eat, how much I exercise and what my bloodsugar numbers are. And I could do the exact same thing one day and receive quite different results the next. So for me, I try to remind myself that I never intend to harm myself or take too much insulin nor do I intend to have hypo/hyperglycemia or any host of down-the-line complications, and that helps me, to an extent, avoid the blame game.

But with diabetes, the game is constant. I'm not perfect and I'm not a perfectionist, so there are always going to be things I could be doing better, and on some level I'm always going to know that yes, I have made poor choices at times that have given me poor results. And there are times when I do my absolute best and still get crap results. Or times when I don't make the best choices and still get great results. So what gives?

All I know is this:  it's so hard not to blame myself, even knowing I'm doing my best and that "my best" changes depending on where I'm at. I'm coming out of a period of major depression right now, and so my best today means getting up and not eating breakfast, testing and trying to stay in range knowing full well I'm not going to get my daily dose of vegetables, water and exercise, that I'll probably have two slices of pizza for dinner because it's all I've got in the house besides eggs, rye bread and a quarter gallon of skim milk. And that isn't the best choice, but right now, it's all I've got. Without a job and a source of income, my groceries have become less than ideal.