But the bottom line is this:  I need to stop beating myself up for it. I really am doing the best I can for where I'm at right now. I'm not trying to let myself off the hook, but anyone whose been through a major depression knows how debilitating it can be--and while I know what I should be doing, some days I just can't seem to get there. Funny thing is, I keep thinking I wish I could go get my A1C drawn now because I'm sure it'll be under seven, which it hasn't been in a while. Which just proves that the A1C is not the benchmark of great diabetes care. I've gained weight and stopped exercising, am on more insulin that I should be and having more lows than ever, and yet, my A1C is probably quite good. It's like I want some kind of validation that I'm at least doing something right---testing 5-10 times a day, going to the doctor, correcting when high/low and yet, I know it'd come as a hollow victory because the truth is I am not in ultimate health nor am I where I want to be and I know that I'm the only one that can change that.

Writing about it is a start. It feels good to "out myself" about this burden of blame and depression I've been carrying around with me these past few months (which is part of the reason you've seen so little of me lately). Yes, I'm coming out of it and the veil is lifting, but change doesn't usually happen overnight and so I remind myself to take it one step at a time and stop the blame game because that game just makes me feel worse, and no good can come from that. The new question I've just started to ask myself with every thought or choice is simply this:

"Is this going to make me feel good?"

And if the answer is yes, this is going to make me feel good (not just on a superficial level like eating pancakes on Fat Tuesday would), but a deep down satisfying good feeling--like the feeling after exercise or after getting out in the fresh air on a walk with my mom), then I make myself do it, even if I don't feel like it--which is a hard thing to do for most of us, but especially when going through a depression. But I'm doing it--one choice at a time.

What do you guys do when you start to play the Blame Game? Or how do you help lift yourself out of a depression or feeling bad about yourself? (BTW, I am on an anti-depressant which is a great help and have a wonderful therapist, so that's covered--I'm talking little daily nuggets of wisdom to get through the rough spots).

Please leave your thoughts or feedback in the comments section. Thank you!