This Disease Gives You a Right for Not Taking Responsiblity? Give me a Break!

By Renopup Saturday, March 08, 2008

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My husband is a type 1 diabetic and believe me, when his blood sugar runs high and low, it's a really KILLER to our marriage. He never wants to take responsibility for his emotional level, so therefore absolutely refuses to check himself claiming that it's all my fault and being a *****. Well, gee, I wonder why that should come about?!!!!! We're having a wonderful weekend and all of a sudden he's yelling at the dog, proviking it to bark so he can yell at it, or just provoking me for the same reason. I finally get him to check himself and guess what, he's 298. When it comes to he's the only one making any money in the house and feeling sorry for Poor Him, I finally get him to check himself and, yup, his blood sugar is 48.

Hey, get a grip and take responsibility. It's tough on all of us. I'm trying to find a spouse that has to go through this stuff and find out how they deal with it. This is really getting old.

20 years married to a diabetic and really HATING this **** disease!

I love my husband, but really HATE the fact that he expects me to cater to his disease and he doesn't place our marriage first and foremost above his disease. Why? Isn't our marriage worth it? Isn't our relationship worth it? If it weren't for him not taking responsibility for his reactions to blood sugar highs and lows, this would be a perfect marriage. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I have no one else to turn to with this. Please help me find how to get through to him. I really fear at times for our marriage and most importantly losing my best friend.

Comments (20) | Add comment

Vicki M

3/10/08 11:41am

Hi Renopup,

Sounds like you are having a real time with this. I am glad to logged in to let us know. There are alot of nice folks here at Health Central and they are always willing to lend an ear, offer some advice and share their experiences. Many folks in the same boat as you. Here are some posts you might want to read to see what others are doing, and also connect with others who are dealing with spouses with the same issues as yours. Don't give up hope!

Tracy is a member here who has a similar situation to yours. You can read her posting and other user comments here. There was alot of good advice here, from diabetics as well as from caregivers.

Usanaeternity is a diabetic asked about mood swings when they have highs and lows. Low and high blood sugars affect a person mentally as well as physically and your husband may be experiencing this. You can read the posting here and also read where others commented that they also had experienced similar mood swings and what they did to cope.

Miss Maggie is also a user here who experienced such wide number ranges, that she was preparing to go on the pump to help control her condition. You can read about Miss Maggie and her experiences here.

Gus is a man who feared losing his family over the issues with his diabetes. You can read his posting here.

I hope you find something useful here. Remember that you are not alone. If you have a good day it would be great if you would share your experience so others might use your information to help themselves. Likewise, if you are having a particularly challenging day, let us know that too! Perhaps someone will have some advice you might find helpful.

Either way, stay in touch and let us know how you and your husband are doing!

Vicki M

Renopup

3/10/08 1:57pm

Vicki M,

Hi, and thanks for responding. I did a lot of looking at myself and into myself to see how I can improve on my reactions to his diabetes. I have a very bad habit of exploding when provoked, and just need to sometimes keep my mouth shut.

My husband and I did talk yesterday after I came back from church, and I told him that I apologized deeply for my end of the blow up. He responded that, yes, he's attempting to take control of his situation through his insulin pump and that running sometimes 259-300 isn't as bad as some who are constantly up in the 400-600s. Still I wish he'd learn how is ups and downs affect not only him but those around him.

I think that others (friends, family) should also take the initial steps to interact with the diabetic and alert them to when attitudes are off kilter.

Anyway, I realize it's an ongoing struggle. Like I said when I took my vows, for better or worse (hope it doesn't get any) and in sickness and in health. To those who also are going through these mood swings, I'm all ears and do have very broad shoulders.

Thanks again.

Kelsey Bonilla, Health Guide

3/10/08 2:00pm

Hi Renopup,

Wow, what a difficult situation you've described. Mood swings from fluctuating blood sugars are a common experience for diabetics and their loved ones. In college, my roommate and boyfriend would tease me to "test my blood sugar" whenever I was grouchy... and often I was low! It's very important for the diabetic to acknowledge that their blood sugar level effects their mood. Can your husband understand the concept when he's not in the middle of a high or low episode? Obviously, talking to him about the problem when he's being moody won't yield any positive results... but he should listen to your concerns at a non-emotional time.

It's important for you to remember that, if his mood is being caused my high or low blood sugars, then it's not totally his fault. He can't control his mood in those moments. On the other hand, it's not okay for him to be abusive to you. Perhaps the answer is for you to distance yourself from him when he's being difficult. Explain to him that when he is moody you'll not deal with him unless he tests his blood sugar and does something to correct it. When you have this conversation with him (while he's not experiencing a high or low), be sure to acknowledge that you know the moods aren't his fault, but they cause you pain and therefore you're not going to subject yourself to them anymore.

Perhaps he needs to read some information about other diabetics who have mood swings during highs and lows. He may not realize it's such a common experience and therefore doesn't believe that his moods are really effected by his blood sugar.

Let us know if you have any other questions or concerns. Good luck!!

Katharine

3/13/08 6:58pm

Look on the bright side. Your husband has a reason for his irrational bad behaviour. (At least some of the time). My son is a type one and his behaviour is exemplary. His dad isn't and I can't say the same about him.

Here are two examples.

1. Husband spends two days trying to fix a washer on a sink tap. Meanwhile despite the fact I'm working full time plus nights I have to do all the cooking, housework, kid stuff while he does his man thing. After two days of this I come home to a smashed sink. He says, "It didn't smash the first time I hit it with the hammer."

The upshot is that we have to replace the entire (peach) bathroom suite. The cost is £1,000 which is in current terms is $1,800.

The next time something goes wrong in the house, I put my foot down. "Get a joiner/plumber/slater/decorator etc".

He says, "Do you think I'm incompetent?

What do you think I said?

2. I'm on the computer and my (dearest) husband comes stomping in.

"Look what you made me do!"

He had scraped my car down one side while parking his own car in the drive.

I didn't actually utter the words, "I'll see you in court."

But I certainly thought them.

My son, Steven, can get a bit bad tempered when he is low and a bit vague when he is high. We have a deal. I say, "Steven. I think it would be a good idea if you checked your blood sugar."

This always works out.

Any ideas what I should say to my beloved husband?

Vicki M

3/15/08 10:45am

Hello Katharine,

I hope you will forgive me when I tell you as I read your story I laughed. I know you probably don't think the things your husband says are funny, but given the things mine has said, I do.

Men can be such silly ducks. example:

I sent Greg to the store to buy trashcans because the ones we had were metal and dented beyond use. I told him and my 5 year old daughter to go to Caldor's and get 3 or 4 so we could throw the ones we had away. He returned with 1 can. I said, "why only 1 can?" He said, "it was all I could get in the car." (rolling my eyes at this point) I said, Greg, "they are stacked at the store. Why didn't you put them inside each other." His response, "Well I wouldn't have gotten the one in the car if Jessie (the 5 year old) had not told me to put the seat down."

So what can you do? I think Rosanne Barr had it right when she said, "all you have after 16 years of marraige is a couch that snores." Keep your chin up. I'll look forward to seeing you on Comedy Central sometime!

Vicki M

Dottie15668

3/13/08 7:57pm

I have been married to a Type 1, juvenile diabetic for 46 years. I can appreciate your frustration, but you must realize your husband may no longer be able to tell when he is high or low because he has had the disease too long. For many years now, we have had an agreement. I will prepare all his meals AND snacks, but he must test, at the very minimum, 4 times a day. When we married, we entered into a contract where each partner makes a contribution to our joint lives. I know I carry the heavier load in this, but, although he carries the lighter load in our agreement, he pays the heaviest when either one of us tries to get out from under. The sad news is, although he is the diabetic, you are the care provider and do not let anyone fool you, his life literaly and quality-wise, rests with you.

Ruchika

3/13/08 11:06pm

I'm a type1 diabetic,female(32) ,trying to cope with it every moment of my life n have been doing it for the last 27 yrs.n what makes me take it is the constant support n encouragement of my near n dear ones.But for them I wouldn't have come this far.I also experience frequent mood swings n itz my mom who's victimised but she never gives up on me n tries to view the whole situation logically.Ofcourse ur near n dear ones r very important but more than that it all comes down to how u personally deal with the problem.so ur husband will have to understand howto cope with the ups n downs-an inevitable part of this disorder n he doesn't have to victimise u for the problem that he has.As a spouse ,I guess u can surely help him become a better diabetic.By the way I'm myself contemplating marriage but haven't been able to find a suitable guy-reason being i'm on a look out for someone who knows all about diabetes n can thoroughly understand it.Being an Indian makes it all the more difficult! Ruchika

Lissy

3/14/08 7:47am

You are clearly not alone. Diabetic mood swings are a fact of life with this diesease. I have been a type 1 diabetic for 24 years and have experienced the whole range of emotions that you described seeing in your husband. I am careful about not taking out my moodiness on others. However, my husband and son have hypoglycemia. Basically for them this means that if they are late eating a meal or miss a snack, their blood sugars drop to unhealthy levels. I cant even describe the crankiness that they display when this happens. Since bood sugar checking has never been suggested for them, it is my responsibility to watch over their moods and tell them when they need to eat. Both of them are stubborn people and getting them to admit that their blood sugars are low and eat something takes all of my creative energy. But when they come out of it and can act "normal" they always say that they are sorry. Here is an example....just now, as I was typing this post, my husband screamed from upstairs that the shower door had come off the hinge. In his hypoglycemic rant, this was of course caused by me when I had "spitefully" cleaned it. I went upstairs, lifted the door and replaced it on the hinge (the thought of doing that hadnt occured to him .....)I then told him very nicely that he needed to eat breakfast. A few minutes later, after eating a banana and feeling better, he said he was sorry.

With my 16 yr old son, I can tell when he's low as he'll start saying that he hates school and his teachers are unfair etc etc etc. Its difficult to convince him to eat when he's like that. But when I am successful, he always tells me that none of what he had said before was true. I can understand that because when my own blood sugar is low, I cannot comprehend what I am reading. I believe that the same happens to him and subjects that are normally not difficult for him, become impossible to understand.

My question to the general public is .....is it more of a "man thing" to take out mood swings on others? I'd like to hear from people who deal with female diabetics and hypoglycemics. Are they as difficult when their blood sugars are low....because I know from my personal experiences with low blood sugars that I do not act like they do!

Vicki M

3/15/08 11:44pm

Hi Lissy,

You certainly have your hands full with everything including yourself. I know how easy it is to focus on your family first, but make sure you take care of yourself too!

I wonder if any part of your son's attitude is because he is a teen and besides not wanting to feel special because of being hypoglycemic, doesn't want to be fussed over and that is why he reacts the way he does.

As far as men versus women: all through the ages the woman has always been the caregiver and the man the provider. I don't know any man who is not like you've described your husband to be and none of the men in my life are hypoglycemic! lol

Take care and please stay in touch. Let us know how you are your family are doing!

Vicki M

Angela

3/14/08 10:46am

I was ( until last year) married to a type 1 diabetic. A wonderful man when his blood sugar level was within range. I agree with you, when high, he turned into the HULK and when low, he turned into Susie sad sack. After a year of marriage, I got to know his look and his mood pretty good where I could see he was reacting. I could tell by his tone of voice whether he was high or low. I would ask if he needed something to drink or eat whn I thought he was low and if he was high, nicely ask if he was feeling ok. He told once that I was degrading him by asking if something was wrong when he seemed to be in a sad mood. I asked what he meant by degrading him, I was trying to be supportive and open up the oppurtunity to talk. He said it made him feel less of a person by asking him what was wrong with him. I usually felt like I could do nothing right. I commend you for staying with yur husband. I loved my husband but he made me feel like I was the one who had the mood swings. My mood was always dependant on how he felt. After our son was born, things get worse between us because he wasn't getting the attention he had before and he had to take more responsibility on him self for watching his food intake and carb counting. The swings got so often that I began over eating to compensate for the stress of a new child, a husband with major mood swings plus he worked nights so he never got enough rest and emotionally I became sort of detached. I worked a 60 hour a week job plus felt like a single parent. I was depresses because I was always blamed for everything and even when I knew I did nothing wrong and even though I knew he didn't mean what he said, it was still hurtful and hard to ignore. We were married for 10 years and he finally told me he was miserable and knew I was too. He said he never wanted to get married and never wanted kids and was moving out. I agreed it was a good time for a trial seperation but I didn't want to talk about divorce because of our son and I did love him. 2 months later he told me he liked being on his own with no responsibilty except his own and he wanted me to see a lawyer. I did. We were divorced in about 3 months. He made all kinds of promises to our son about how he would pick up everyday after school and he would take him every other weekend to spend his time with him. I know his intentions were good but we have been divorced almost a year and he has had his weekend visitation about 5 times and only 3 being more than a 3 hour visit in the evening. Our communication is about the same, he is either Mr. nice guy with all his promises or yelling at me because life is not fair to him. They funny thing about it is that I am much happier with out the mood swings to deal with but I feel sorry for him. He has no one. He has pushed everyone away including his family because of his selfishness and mood swings. I honestly feel they are not his fault but it is hard to seperate what is his real feelings or what are sugar swing feelings. Beeing married to an insulin dependant diabetic is hard. In a fit of rage and through a screaming fit he was having, I once told my ex husband he got ripped off. He asked what I meant. I felt bad after I said it but I told him that people get diseases and die from them but being diabetic was one of the worst things that could happen. It is one of the only diseases that you can't treat, can't understand and any little change in the sugar can cause a reaction that is so severe, you can hurt everyone that cares about you. I truely hope that you and your husband have better luck that we did in our marriage. All I can say is try to overlook the imperfect swings and focus on all the good that marriage brings. Good Luck.

Vicki M

3/15/08 11:00am

Hi Angela,

I don't think the disease gives anyone the right to act poorly, it's just that you understand why they are acting that way. It is truly up to the diabetic to do what he/she needs to do.

I am not type 1, I am type 2 and I come from a long line of family who are all type 2. I don't understand the attitude problems of the mood swings because I have never experienced them. If my sugar is low, I can feel it and I will say to the significant other, I need to eat something. He is very understanding.

There is a member here named Tressa who has written a very interesting blog about sugar lows and her friends and how they get involved. You can read her posting here. She also has written about her bouts with diabulimia, a disorder about people who do not take their insulin. You can read that blog here. Not that these have a direct effect on your experience with your husband, but that different people do things differently. They suffer differently and self destruct differently.

I am sorry your marriage ended, but take heart. It might have been the diabetes that initiated the struggle between you and your husband, but in the end the divorce might have been the best thing to do. At least you have the chance to go on with your life and be happy. Your husband will need to do the same.

Take care and stay in touch!

Vicki M

stonefacedolly

3/14/08 2:30pm

Tell me about it! I got torn apart yesterday by my "other half." All I did was ask if he was okay or needed some sugar. I apparently no longer have the rite to ask how he is feeling. He won't even check his levels saying that he can tell just by the way he feels. The other night he tells me he has not been able to "feel" his levels any more and I replied that I heard it was common with type 1 as that what I have been reading on all the sites. This set him off into a tail spin about how I am arguing with a diabetic about his diabetes. It was just a statement I had no intention to argue and still don't understand what was the disagreement.

I don't know what to do. How can I love someone and not care if they are okay? How can I watch someone slowly kill themselves or cause damage to their body and stay silent? Is there anything that could make him possibly understand that he is not the only one suffering from his diabetes? When he chooses to not take care of himself it affects everyone around him.

Katharine

3/14/08 3:07pm

I was reading today that teenage girls get twice the frequency of depression as teenage boys. The reason given was that when adverse things happen girls tend to feel it's their fault and get miserable. Boys externalise the problem and get angry. It has been said that depression is anger turned inwards. Also by a humourist that depression is anger without the enthusiasm. All the comments so far seem to suggest that living with episodically irrational males (because blood sugar swings make you irrational) is pretty debilitating for the women because of the amount of anger flowing out of the man and often in her direction. The woman feels responsible for the man's feelings (internalising the problem) and feels bad inside herself (depressed). This biological difference in how we react to events has it's plus points. In nearly every culture - except for seahorses - females take on the nurturing role of the young. How evolutionally useful would it be if a woman looked down on her mewling unhappy infant and thought to herself, "Well if the baby feels bad it's nothing to do with me." She would have no motivation to seek to understand the distress, give comfort and solve the problem. Grown males are another issue of course whether they are on insulin or not. When these things happen to us, as women, we can't help our biology, we just feel responsible whether we want to or not. I would be interested to know how male groups deal with team mates with hypos. Do footballers get stroppy with each other? When they do, does getting a punch in the face instead of worried concern, influence their behaviour the next time they have a hypo? How much is bad behaviour to women when men have hypos a learned response?

Cydni

3/14/08 4:09pm

Wow, I think in some situations there is more going on than just the highs and lows. All I can say is whatever has been said during a low especially should not be taken personally! I'm T1 for 30 yrs and I have a T1 son who is almost 8. I personally don't really react when my blood sugar is high, but when low my patience are very short and sometimes I'll be a bit snippy, however, I have seen some very moody women just in general. My husband is not always patient either - and that's why I don't go out to the garage when he's trying to fix something.

All I can say is there are times when I cannot control myself and feel badly afterwards. There are times I can't even remember what I did, or just vaguely. Diabetes is a life altering disease, and people on the outside cannot see it, but we can sure feel it. It is a chronic disease that is not only a burden on the one who has it, but to those that love us. I have seen it from 2 angles now and I know how I feel when going low and then being short with my husband or either one of my children, and I also see what happens to my son when he has a melt down over something that he wouldn't even blink an eye at if he was in a normal state of mind. It disturbs me and saddens me both at seeing how I may hurt someones feeling, but also how there are times when I have not control over it.

My husband doesn't hold it over my head and say boy you were nasty, he comforts me and says boy that was a doozy are you feeling better (no pointing fingers). I do the same with my son. To me its no different than when one of my family members gets lets say the stomach flu where they are feeling bad, whiny, grumpy and puking. You don't just abandon them by themself head hanging in the toilet because they snapped at you moments before because you forgot to get their blankie, but instead you sit with them rub their back while they are bent over that toilet and give them a glass of water to rinse out their mouth and wipe their chin.

I know that I will be there to grab my son's monitor and sit with him to poke his finger and bring him a glass of juice. I won't just leave him there to pass out on the floor and perhaps not wake up. My husband does the same for me - he just walks over and gets my machine and says hon, maybe we should do this.

We don't do it on purpose and sometimes we just need a little help and understanding.

Vicki M

3/15/08 11:34pm

Hi Cydni,

You are very fortunate to have understanding family. Amazingly so!!

Back in November 07, several people were asked to post blogs about Diabetes for National Diabetes Awareness Month. Shannon Lewis wrote a posting about being a caregiver (her son has type 1) from the caregivers point of view. You can read the whole article here. Basically, Shannon and her husband have gone from knowing little to nothing about diabetes to being advocates and experts in the subject. It's an interesting read.

Good luck and stay in touch and let us know how you are doing!

Vicki M

niamh murphy

3/15/08 8:40am

having been diabetic since i was 3 ( i'm now 31!) i can understand the highs and lows that go with erractic blood sugars. when i was small, if i was behaving badly, my mother would say.. "go do a blood sugar, and if youre not low youre getting a slap" (not serious of course!) i was always low.

even taking the time out of a situation to go and test your sugar levels usually defuses the argument a bit. i hope this helps.

Vicki M

3/19/08 11:09pm

Hey Renopup,

How are things going with your husband this week? Hope you are having a good level week.

Take care and stay in touch!

Vicki M

Little Sue

4/ 3/08 8:58am

After 34 years of type I, the situations you describe were guiltily familiar!

Years ago when I was on some insulin that didn't suit me, I had many sudden hypos and mood swings. I now recognise I was HORRID to live with and could not have kept a job. I had a violent temper which came from nowhere.

But, what I wanted to point out was that at that time, even when I wasn't hypo and was in a 'good' mood, I was a different person from today. I had physical changes too but didn't realise they were related to the insulin until afterwards, when my husband gave the doctor an ultimatum and I was changed to a different type - everything just settled down. It was almost like a personality transplant.

So it may be worth your husband trying a different type of insulin, even if he doesn't think he has a problem with the current one. He could always change back if the new one's no better. (Speak to his doctor off the record, if they agree with you maybe it could be sold to him as better for some other reason, not because he's behaving like the incredible hulk on a bad day!)

Please be reassured, having been a horrible person I'm now very calm, relaxed, even-tempered, creative, nice to live with, non-violent and far happier in myself, which means those around me can relax. Of course I get worked up sometimes (when justified!), but it's just not in the same league.

Renopup

4/ 3/08 9:07am

Little Sue,

Thank you so much for your response. I totally agree with speaking off the record with my husband's doctor. However, this MD is also a diabetic and just doesn't seem to really care what my thoughts or feelings are. After all, he's treating "him," and I sometimes feel that he should be treating the disease.

My husband has been on an insulin pump for about 18 years now, and that has completely eliminated the seizures. Thank God! And since I've been online with this site he has been attempting to more closely monitor his blood sugar with more frequent checks.

I know this disease isn't something that's easy to understand, and I'm so glad that you've been able to regulate your mood swings better. I'm sure your husband is grateful. I will again attempt to speak to my husband's MD and see about adjusting his meds. And thank you, again, for your input. It really helps to hear from a victim of this disease.

God bless and keep you and yours.

moha

3/26/09 3:13pm

Why don't you go to work and than you are not dependent on his salary...he thinks since he is the breadwinner he has the right to irritate and blame you.

This Disease Gives You a Right for Not Taking Responsiblity? Give me a Break!

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