Diabetes Depression and Getting by Day to Day
I am frustrated. For seven weeks now I have been eating better and exercising when I can, but I have yet to see results. I weigh the same, my waist measurement is the same, and my blood sugar numbers are the same. What is going on here? Maybe my problem is more complicated than a value meal and a busy schedule. It has been suggested to me that perhaps I don't really want to get healthy and that all will fall into place when I am ready for change. WHAT?!
I am ready now, I say! Why in the world would I want to stay fat and sickly? Yet, I wonder, is it possible that my subconscious is leading me to self-sabotage?
In the interest of social or psychological research, let's take a closer look at this.
Notes from the past week:I've skipped going to the gym after a long day at work and sit in traffic.
· I've been buying fast food because (as I tell myself) I'm in a hurry and it's better to eat junk than not eat at all. My rationalization: I got the small fries.
· I'm telling myself that I'm eating healthy when I know that I am not, "Sure, you ate that burger, but you also had an orange at breakfast..."
· I'm rewarding myself with food, "Hey, you've worked hard today. You deserve those chocolate dipped pretzels."
· I am over-scheduling myself knowing full well that these commitments will cause me to miss exercise.
· When I do make it to a workout, I am ravenous afterwards and eat anything I can find once I get home.
· I believe that dieting is too hard and I'm not disciplined enough to make this happen.
· I'm lazy. I skip my medicine if I'm already in bed when I remember I didn't take it after dinner.
· I promise myself that I'll try harder tomorrow - and the cycle starts over.
Counterproductive, I know. Something a TV psychologist might ask: what is your personal payoff for being fat?
· If I were to lose weight, I wouldn't be able to use fat as an excuse to avoid social situations. I've skipped reunions, parties, events for fear I will run into people who knew me before I was overweight. Truth be told, I didn't want to go anyway
· If I remain overweight and avoid social situations then I don't have to ask myself how I will respond should some fellow express that he is attracted to me. I just might go for it and leave my long-term, if unfulfilling, relationship behind. That would be horrible of me, since my guy has loved me (in his own way) if not through thick and then at least when I have been thick or thin.
· It is easier to believe that something didn't go my way because of my appearance rather than because of a lack in ability.
There must be more reasons but I don't have the personal insight to identify them now.
Amazing how the mind works, isn't it?
How can one want to do something so strongly yet stymie oneself at every turn? How can the risk of having to give myself insulin shots and developing heart disease or losing a limb not be motivation enough to get myself in gear?
Apparently, if there is any uncertainty in my mind, said mind will find a way to make sure it doesn't happen. I imagine flashing red lights: Alert! You are attempting to break out of your comfort zone! Danger! Danger!
I need to my brain and my body in sync and that is what this year is all about.
How about you? What excuses are you using? How are you holding yourself back?