Since I've been back from the Outer Banks, I've been up and down with my eating and exercise. I did go running two nights in a row and cooked a few healthy meals, but I'm still having trouble committing to anything more concrete. That's why I had such a hard time with my decision not to go forward with the HCG diet. I'm the kind of person that does pretty well with a structured plan, especially if it's a plan created by someone else and not by me. But I'm at peace with the decision. I'm just not desperate enough to introduce more hormones into my body when I'm more interested in getting rid of them. In a way I'm proud of myself. The Aubree of ten years ago would have tried anything to lose weight, controversial or not. Today, I want to know every detail about every little thing I put into my body. What are the ingredients? What are the risks? Back then, ignorance was bliss, and although I sometimes wish I could blindly jump into something, I'm just not built that way anymore.
All of this waffling about HCG got me thinking a lot about extremes; diets, workouts, that sort of thing. Something has definitely changed in me. I used to be all about doing whatever it takes to get to my goals. Now I'm a lot more complacent about it. I often wonder if it's my age, if I'm getting lazier, if it's all stress, or all of the above. Or perhaps it's that I accept myself more and find it comical (and exhausting) to go to all the extremes. One thing I know for sure is that I just can't do what I used to do, and maybe that's not such a bad thing. I've been constantly evolving during the process of trying to figure out what works best for me, and I've tried a lot of things. Right now, I simply can't lose weight, and I'm praying that I'm just in a transition period.
Something did happen recently that made me think that the backslide just might be meant to be. My trainer Sandy, who I've been working out with for several years now, finally decided to pursue her dream and open up her own training facility. So she quit our gym and is now training in the elite Cross Fit style on her own terms. When I heard about this, I wondered if the pieces were also falling into place for me. I have been struggling for a while now with the notion that her workouts are just too difficult and perhaps I've been pushing myself well beyond my limits. While her style did help me to accomplish a significant thirty-pound weight loss a few years ago, it has done nothing for me recently other than land me in Epsom salts baths and slathered with Tiger Balm, unable to move for two days post-workout. It didn't escape me that now that Sandy is no longer employed at my gym, it might be a bit easier to bow gracefully out of the membership. This would allow me to pursue yoga, outdoor activities, and other forms of exercise that I truly enjoy. At least most of you probably know the feeling of "cheating" on your trainer by going to another gym, or stopping your workouts altogether. This chain of events kind of gives me an easy out. I love that woman and I hope she knows I appreciate everything that she's done for me over the years. But I think it's time for me to move on as well.
I've been going to gyms since college and the thought of leaving it behind makes me feel a little nauseous, mostly because I worry that I won't end up committing to other fitness outlets and the weight will continue to pile on. But one thing Sandy taught me was that as an adult, we forget how to play. We get comfortable in our gyms and get stuck in a routine. If I can just make the initial leap and sever the ties to my gym, I may find that I do have the strength to commit to something else. Fingers crossed. Something's gotta give.
Published On: July 18, 2011