On New Years Eve, I was browsing around on my facebook page, looking at all of my posts, pictures and comments from 2012. Lots to see. When I scrolled to December 31st, 2011, I almost started shaking when I read the post, written exactly one year ago. It said:
“Life is uncertain but beautiful, and looking at it knowing that anything negative will one day be something you learned from and that light and goodness will once again fill your heart is the only way to get through. Here's to a new year full of realness, truth, beauty, and hope.”
On the night I wrote that, I remember having never before been filled with so much sadness, and yet I was still holding on to the hope that things would get better. What a year it has been! I have gotten divorced, lost my home to foreclosure, moved, started dating a new guy, and made some amazing friends and a ton of sweet memories.
It was definitely a very tough and trying year, but it turned into one of the most enlightening and freeing ones of my life. I think I learned more about myself than I ever have, and that has been both a special and a frightening experience. For a long time, I was in denial about what mattered most to me, and always chose to live my life for others. Now that this denial cloud has dissipated, I am seeing things more clearly. Although I am driving an hour round trip three days a week to help care for my mom, I now have my own space to come home to. I had no idea how important that was until I started living it.
Regarding my eight year relationship which failed only a short fourteen months after our wedding…well, looking back now I can see the red flags that I should have taken notice of and run long before ever making that commitment. But not just on his end. I can also see problems of my own that should have made him flee the scene too. When we first split up, I was so angry at how he described my character, but he held up a mirror and forced me to look at how I was dealing with our relationship. Not everything was true, but a portion of it really took my breath away. Unfortunately, it had to take us both doing some pretty awful things to one another before we had the courage to walk away and admit we weren’t right for each other, and we weren’t ready for marriage. It’s tragic, but almost a year of reflection later, I am working hard on being a better person and a better partner…talking instead of arguing, not letting feelings build to a boiling point, and making sure I take some time out for me.
As for my health, the year took a toll on that as well. I started off great but the roller coaster of emotions got me off track pretty quickly. Dealing with the pain of divorce, the stress of moving, the bliss of a new relationship, and the constant running around has caused me to make more than a few excuses for slacking off. But as the year drew to an end, I knew I could say without a doubt that I am finally really 100% ready to do this. I have had the year to adjust to all of the new in my life. I’m still trying to figure out how to juggle a few things but I’m moving in a positive direction. So for my 2013 goals (I don’t always like the term “resolution”), I have decided that I am going to work as hard as I can to lose the weight that has been holding me down for so long. It’s time! I’m happy and peaceful for the first time in many, many years, so I cannot think of a better time to dig in to this challenge.