Can You Help Those Who Don’t Want To Help Themselves?

Hi folks,

This is in response to the post Obese Man Needs Help! Is it possible to help those who don't want to help themselves? Well, the answer is Yes! A very simple answer to a very difficult process. When I say difficult, this is as hard as it gets and you want to anchor down for the long haul.

I sense a lot of love in the post above from the brother in law which is the single most important ingredient for this journey. For example, you don't want to change someone because they embarrass you or because it will end up being convenient for you. This often backfires and the person you are changing will end up disliking you and your relationship might be badly damaged. You want them to change course because you truly care for and love them. With the limited space I have, let me give you my experience and some suggestions to help.

Without knowing all the fine details about the Brother-in-Law, from the brief post above, I suspect he is lonely. He probably lives alone and does not have many close relationships. I also suspect he has reached a state of what is called learned helplessness. Please refer to the Wikipedia definition for details, but this is the summary. It's a psychological condition in which the person believes that they have no control over their situation or the outcome, and absolutely nothing can help them. Folks this is as gloomy as it gets and in fact depression and learned helplessness go hand in hand. The person in a state of learned helplessness is in such pain they have to result to ways of easing of numbing themselves, often with emotional eating excessive alcohol consumption and other destructive behaviors.

So how do you help such a person? First make sure you are doing it for the right reasons (true love and caring) because this dictates how you will handle the ups and downs of the journey like taking two steps forward and one step backwards.

For specific techniques, I usually don't recommend "fat farms" they are a good for quick short term weight loss but people often gain the weight back when they get back home. They find they cannot uphold the strict regimen of fitness and diet because of a lot of conflicts with their day to day life. A Time magazine article focused on the NBC show biggest loser found many of the contestants gained the weight back. You have to remember, this is not just about weight loss; it's about creating a new life with a new lifestyle.

This would be my recommendation. Keep beating the drum (I care for you and I want to help) sometimes softly sometimes loudly, but be persistent. Studies have shown it takes roughly about 50 times before someone yields to an outside suggestion. This gives you a rough idea of the resistance you will get. This is not a one time conversation.

One technique that I use that is very powerful was used in the story "A Christmas Carol" where Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by 3 ghosts, past, present and future. Remember the story, he did not want to change his lifestyle until he saw the past, present and future consequences of his actions in clear and vivid detail.